Boundaries or something else

[Anonymous]

Just drop the rope. Let her do the work to continue the relationship. That way you are following her boundaries. Focus on your own life and live well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced other people using the concept of "setting boundaries" as a broad weapon to get their way.

Honestly, you don't seem to think much of your sister and I am confused why you even want to spend that much time with her. Your choice of words makes me wonder. If a loved one told me she didn't feel the relationship was healthy and she was setting healthy boundaries I would back off. If I thought she was nuts and even after giving her space she was unhappy I would find the level of interaction where you can just be pleasant and not feel uncomfortable. You seem to refuse to see that someone could be unhappy in a relationship with you, if you think things are fine.

I have not had anyone tell me they need more boundaries with me, but I also pay attention to cues. If I invite a family member or friend to get together and the person declines more than once, I leave the ball in that person's court. If someone seems uncomfortable around me and interactions feel forced, I give the person space.

Why do I want to spend time with her? I do enjoy her company. She's smart and silly. We laugh. I like her kids and I'd like to spend more time with my niece and nephew and develop a closer relationship with them. I mean, why do we struggle with any relationship? If we just give up on people when they do any little thing that annoys us we'd probably not have many relationships left. I am struggling with this relationship. I feel like she's constantly testing me and I don't measure up. I don't push her or pry. That's just the thing. That's not generally an issue that I have with people. I have lots of friends. I like them a lot and am happy with my social life but I'd also like a satisfying, real, non-tenuous relationship with my sister. There is value in family relationships and I think people on this forum are very quick to recommend just abandoning them.

[Anonymous]

Declining invitations from people you don’t want to be around very much is setting boundaries.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

It’s likely that you are expecting too much togetherness.

1. If anyone, especially family, declines an invite accept it happily. Do not try to work the problem or find solutions to why they declined. Do not go on about how upset you are or how much you’ll miss her or how sneer eldername whoever will be just crushed. Your response is either no problem, catch you next time or completely understand!

2. Do not invite yourself along to her family events. You don’t need to be part of the birthdays, recitals, games. Do not constantly invite her for every event in your life. Respect that you have your own lives.

3. Drop holiday expectations. Maybe her family wants to travel or just chill with their nuclear family.

4. Do not ask prying questions. If she wants to share she will.

5. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Before you share your opinion or wisdom, ask yourself, did anyone ask for my advice? If the answer is no then stop.

I don't know. This isn't bad advice although not really applicable to the situation. I don't do almost any of those things. I guess the thing is, she ACTS like I/we do those things even though we don't. Her family travels every year for the holidays. No one cares. No one, not even my elderly father gives her a hard time about it. He makes it clear she's welcome to celebrate with him and our step-mom, but it's not expected.
In general though, this seems very cold and distant. I definitely don't want anyone asking "prying" questions about my life, but I don't see how it's inappropriate to show INTEREST in someone's life. She asks if I'm dating anyone. Is that prying?

OP, can you give a concrete example of a boundary she's set?

No because she doesn't say what they are. She just says she's setting them.

So she's constantly talking about "setting boundaries" but you're unable to extrapolate, based on the context of the conversation, situation, etc. what the boundary entails and why she's setting it? If you're not being obtuse for some reason you should tell her you're confused and ask her to be more specific with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

This is the catch phrase right now, OP. Take a step back. Let her set whatever boundaries she figures she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

It’s likely that you are expecting too much togetherness.

1. If anyone, especially family, declines an invite accept it happily. Do not try to work the problem or find solutions to why they declined. Do not go on about how upset you are or how much you’ll miss her or how sneer eldername whoever will be just crushed. Your response is either no problem, catch you next time or completely understand!

2. Do not invite yourself along to her family events. You don’t need to be part of the birthdays, recitals, games. Do not constantly invite her for every event in your life. Respect that you have your own lives.

3. Drop holiday expectations. Maybe her family wants to travel or just chill with their nuclear family.

4. Do not ask prying questions. If she wants to share she will.

5. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Before you share your opinion or wisdom, ask yourself, did anyone ask for my advice? If the answer is no then stop.

This is so brilliant and on point!

Leanne Morgan has a funny comedy routine on her son and DIL setting boundaries with her. I get the sense she is a great MIL and grandma and is using satire.

If people set boundaries with you accept them. Judging, complaining, gossiping, venting about it won't change the fact the person needs space from you. You have to meet people where they are and accept what they can give. If boundaries cause you distress, then it may be worth exploring in therapy why you are triggered. Even if the person setting boundaries with you is just completely nuts and using them as a weapon or whatever you think, it doesn't matter. The reality is the person is not comfortable with the way things are. You have 2 choices. You can adjust your expectations and meet them where they are, or you can decide you don't want to deal with them at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

Your sister may not be expressing herself eloquently, but I get what she is saying. She needs a break from your brother. It is not about you. She is telling you she does not want to see him or hear about him. She is very hurt and you do not help the situation by making it about your feelings. You can be as close as you want to be to your brother, but you should not invite her along when you see him and you should not talk about him to her. Don't invalidate her feelings or judge because her experience with him may be very different than yours. It's not OK for her to ever try to control YOUR relationship with him, just as you cannot control her relationship.

Also, you need to let go of your fantasy of a happy, harmonious family of origin and accepting things the way they are. Enjoy the people you love. Respect their space. Don't try to create your fantasy, just appreciate what you do have.

[Anonymous]

Setting boundaries is for yourself (or herself). We cant control other people, but we can control how we react.

You are being vague (as is she it seems), but something like- not attending a family gathering after being guilt tripped about working is a boundary. Hanging up the phone if someone starts yelling/crying/manipulating is a boundary.

Maybe she doesnt even realize what she needs to do to get the results she wants. When some people start "setting boundaries" they may not always realize what it means or entails. Its a common buzz word these days.

[Anonymous]

I think there needs to be room in relationships to let people be themselves and to work with each other. "Setting boundaries" is a good idea in general but needs to be flexible.