Boundaries or something else

[Anonymous]

How often is your sister initiating contact with you? If she seldom or never initiates contact, maybe ease up a bit. Wait and see when or if she reaches out to contact you. If you normally contact on holidays, switch to just sending a card with short positive message.

[Anonymous]

I don't get what is so bad about what the sister is doing. It sounds like she's gives off a vibe about feeling negative about the family, is saying she has to have boundaries, and doesn't want to talk about the brother.

OP, what is your sister specifically doing to make you upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.

The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.

This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.

I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.

no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.

you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?

again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.

still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.

But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a family relationship where I tried to establish boundaries in terms of time spent with the family member as well as time spent communicating, as well as topics/types of communication. What I found was that the family member repeatedly expressed their irritation with the boundaries (passive aggressive comments, rolling eyes, body language, petty put-downs) or just pushed against the boundaries constantly (trying to get herself invited to events I said I was going to but did not invite her to, over and over again). It got so exhausting to guard the boundaries, because the family member did not seem to respect them. She seems to feel they were constantly open to interpretation.

Anyway, OP sounds like my family member.

Your family member was annoying but you are high maintenance. It was probably difficult to remember what she can talk about, when she can talk about it and how often you will allow her to be around you. That's too much to keep track of.

[Anonymous]

I’m pp, and yeah I get that it seems like respecting my boundaries was high maintenance to my family member. But my family member was also extremely high maintenance with her constant demands for time, attention, and deference to her very fragile ego. I tried to make to it work with boundaries, but ultimately it didn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.

The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.

This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.

I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.

no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.

you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?

again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.

still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.

But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.

And then the other person, the sister, can say, “ok this isn’t working for me.” And she can go NC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.

The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.

This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.

I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.

no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.

you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?

again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.

still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.

But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.

That’s not boundaries though. OP maybe experiences them as mean spirited, bc she doesn’t respect the actual boundary. The boundary is what it is. You can take it or leave it. I think OP should leave it, bc she obviously can’t make sister change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.

The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.

This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.

I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.

no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.

you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?

again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.

still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.

But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.

How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.

The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.

This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.

I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.

no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.

you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?

again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.

still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.

But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.

How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.

To be clear I mean that someone who thinks someone else’s boundaries are “cruel” is a person who is manipulative.

[Anonymous]

The reason your sister cut off your brother IS relevant, because after reading all these pages, your description of your sister’s behavior is still so vague and I have no understanding of the dynamic. I cannot provide feedback without some specific examples.

[Anonymous]

OP, you gotta step back. I have five siblings and am well versed in sibling boundaries. I’m surprised you don’t get it. You actually need to not make things about you even if they relate to you. She is overwhelmed and just wants to talk about her problems. If you can’t handle that, set your own boundary. But don’t deny that speaking of your own distress doesn’t cause a burden on her. The appropriate response re your brother would have been, “whoa that sucks. Im sorry that it’s worked out that way.” Furthest you can go is “I hope it gets better.”

She doesn’t need or want your emotional burden. I don’t think you have kids and therefore are clueless.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she read a book or went to therapy and learned the word but doesn’t really understand it.

I practice boundaries with my actually toxic family but I never tell them that that is what I’m doing because if I did, it would just incite war. I just say very little to them about what is going on with me and do the boundaries thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.

The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.

This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.

I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.

no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.

you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?

again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.

still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.

But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.

How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.

To be clear I mean that someone who thinks someone else’s boundaries are “cruel” is a person who is manipulative.

Not always. Some people think the concept of boundaries gives them permission to be rude or to blame the person reaching out for their problems so they go away. That’s not boundaries.

There is a book on this by Dr. Henry Cloud. Read that instead of listening to the therapist. It’s easier to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.

The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.

This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.

I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.

no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.

you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?

again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.

still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.

But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.

How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.

To be clear I mean that someone who thinks someone else’s boundaries are “cruel” is a person who is manipulative.

Not always. Some people think the concept of boundaries gives them permission to be rude or to blame the person reaching out for their problems so they go away. That’s not boundaries.

There is a book on this by Dr. Henry Cloud. Read that instead of listening to the therapist. It’s easier to understand.

Right I’m talking about actual boundaries.

For example, I had a family member who felt that me saying “I will not responding to your messages while I am at work” was the same as me saying “I don’t care about you.” She felt the boundary as cruelty because she imparted a meaning onto it that was not in my control.

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Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.

info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?

and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.

Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.

(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)

I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.

The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.

This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.

I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.

no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.

you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?

again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.

still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.

But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.

How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.

Here's an example: my friend's son got sick and had to miss an activity. She blamed me and my son. I responded yes, my son was sick with strep but had started his antibiotics 1.5 weeks before we saw her kid. She said she saw DS cough though. She said unless I can admit my son got her son sick and we promised to be careful in the future, she can't let her kid play with mine. She called it a boundary. I called it an ultimatum. Her boundary really hurt not only my child but hers too. We're not friends anymore.