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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like.  If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic.  Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful"  There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.   [/quote]

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK![/quote]

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere. [/quote]

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother. [/quote]

Your sister may not be expressing herself eloquently, but I get what she is saying. She needs a break from your brother. It is not about you. She is telling you she does not want to see him or hear about him. She is very hurt and you do not help the situation by making it about your feelings. You can be as close as you want to be to your brother, but you should not invite her along when you see him and you should not talk about him to her. Don't invalidate her feelings or judge because her experience with him may be very different than yours. It's not OK for her to ever try to control YOUR relationship with him, just as you cannot control her relationship.

Also, you need to let go of your fantasy of a happy, harmonious family of origin and accepting things the way they are. Enjoy the people you love. Respect their space. Don't try to create your fantasy, just appreciate what you do have. [/quote]

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