Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.
Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!
So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?
Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.
Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?
An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.
info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?
and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.
Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.
(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)
I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.
The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.
This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.
I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.
no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.
you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:
Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?
again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.
still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.
But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.
How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.
Here's an example: my friend's son got sick and had to miss an activity. She blamed me and my son. I responded yes, my son was sick with strep but had started his antibiotics 1.5 weeks before we saw her kid. She said she saw DS cough though. She said unless I can admit my son got her son sick and we promised to be careful in the future, she can't let her kid play with mine. She called it a boundary. I called it an ultimatum. Her boundary really hurt not only my child but hers too. We're not friends anymore.
This doesn't sound like she set out to hurt you though. Her boundary is basically that she won't spend time with someone who doesn't take having a cough as seriously as she does and (in her mind) may possibly expose her family to something in the future. It's strange but doesn't seem to be about you really.
Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.
Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!
So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?
Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.
Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?
An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.
info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?
and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.
Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.
(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)
I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.
The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.
This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.
I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.
no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.
you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:
Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?
again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.
still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.
But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.
How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.
Here's an example: my friend's son got sick and had to miss an activity. She blamed me and my son. I responded yes, my son was sick with strep but had started his antibiotics 1.5 weeks before we saw her kid. She said she saw DS cough though. She said unless I can admit my son got her son sick and we promised to be careful in the future, she can't let her kid play with mine. She called it a boundary. I called it an ultimatum. Her boundary really hurt not only my child but hers too. We're not friends anymore.
That sounds like someone misusing the term, unless she said something that is actually humanly possible. Did she really say “you must admit your kid got my kid sick if they are ever going to play together again”? There’s no way to prove your kid got her kid sick or not, and “be more careful” sounds so subjective that it’s not possible to know if you are satisfying her or not.
At any rate, if she did actually demand for you to say that your kid got her kid sick, then that doesn’t sound like a person you want to be around, anyway.
Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.
Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!
So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?
Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.
Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?
An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.
info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?
and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.
Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.
(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)
I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.
The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.
This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.
I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.
no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.
you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:
Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?
again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.
still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.
But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.
How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.
Here's an example: my friend's son got sick and had to miss an activity. She blamed me and my son. I responded yes, my son was sick with strep but had started his antibiotics 1.5 weeks before we saw her kid. She said she saw DS cough though. She said unless I can admit my son got her son sick and we promised to be careful in the future, she can't let her kid play with mine. She called it a boundary. I called it an ultimatum. Her boundary really hurt not only my child but hers too. We're not friends anymore.
That sounds like someone misusing the term, unless she said something that is actually humanly possible. Did she really say “you must admit your kid got my kid sick if they are ever going to play together again”? There’s no way to prove your kid got her kid sick or not, and “be more careful” sounds so subjective that it’s not possible to know if you are satisfying her or not.
At any rate, if she did actually demand for you to say that your kid got her kid sick, then that doesn’t sound like a person you want to be around, anyway.
This is kind of my point though. Some people think they can say or do anything and if they call it a boundary, they can't be at fault.
She really did say I needed to admit that my kid got her kid sick.
Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.
Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!
So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?
Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.
Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?
An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.
info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?
and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.
Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.
(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)
I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.
The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.
This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.
I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.
no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.
you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:
Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?
again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.
still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.
But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.
How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.
Here's an example: my friend's son got sick and had to miss an activity. She blamed me and my son. I responded yes, my son was sick with strep but had started his antibiotics 1.5 weeks before we saw her kid. She said she saw DS cough though. She said unless I can admit my son got her son sick and we promised to be careful in the future, she can't let her kid play with mine. She called it a boundary. I called it an ultimatum. Her boundary really hurt not only my child but hers too. We're not friends anymore.
That sounds like someone misusing the term, unless she said something that is actually humanly possible. Did she really say “you must admit your kid got my kid sick if they are ever going to play together again”? There’s no way to prove your kid got her kid sick or not, and “be more careful” sounds so subjective that it’s not possible to know if you are satisfying her or not.
At any rate, if she did actually demand for you to say that your kid got her kid sick, then that doesn’t sound like a person you want to be around, anyway.
This is kind of my point though. Some people think they can say or do anything and if they call it a boundary, they can't be at fault.
She really did say I needed to admit that my kid got her kid sick.
Why does it matter if she is at fault? You can think she's at fault and hurting the kids, but it still doesn't mean you get to trample on her boundaries (which you're not). You can't and shouldn't try to control her just like the OP sister can't control what her sister does.
The boundary is what the person setting it will do regardless of whether it's right or wrong to someone else. OP seems to think her sister should spend more time with the family because OP wants it. How much time the sister spends with the family is on the sister to manage. It's on OP to manage her feelings about it.
OP seems to think she has the right to talk about the brother despite what her sister has requested. Sure, she has the right to, but then the sister will leave. It just is what it is and you have to accept it. You can't make her value the same things you value.
I agree with the other poster who mentioned family dynamics. The sister might seem to be overcorrecting or be awkward navigating this right now because she's new to even believing she has autonomy, but that just means OP ignoring her requests will validate her need for boundaries even further.
Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.
Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!
So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?
Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.
Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?
An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.
info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?
and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.
Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.
(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)
I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.
The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.
This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.
I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.
no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.
you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:
Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?
again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.
still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.
But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.
How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.
Here's an example: my friend's son got sick and had to miss an activity. She blamed me and my son. I responded yes, my son was sick with strep but had started his antibiotics 1.5 weeks before we saw her kid. She said she saw DS cough though. She said unless I can admit my son got her son sick and we promised to be careful in the future, she can't let her kid play with mine. She called it a boundary. I called it an ultimatum. Her boundary really hurt not only my child but hers too. We're not friends anymore.
That sounds like someone misusing the term, unless she said something that is actually humanly possible. Did she really say “you must admit your kid got my kid sick if they are ever going to play together again”? There’s no way to prove your kid got her kid sick or not, and “be more careful” sounds so subjective that it’s not possible to know if you are satisfying her or not.
At any rate, if she did actually demand for you to say that your kid got her kid sick, then that doesn’t sound like a person you want to be around, anyway.
This is kind of my point though. Some people think they can say or do anything and if they call it a boundary, they can't be at fault.
She really did say I needed to admit that my kid got her kid sick.
Why does it matter if she is at fault? You can think she's at fault and hurting the kids, but it still doesn't mean you get to trample on her boundaries (which you're not). You can't and shouldn't try to control her just like the OP sister can't control what her sister does.
The boundary is what the person setting it will do regardless of whether it's right or wrong to someone else. OP seems to think her sister should spend more time with the family because OP wants it. How much time the sister spends with the family is on the sister to manage. It's on OP to manage her feelings about it.
OP seems to think she has the right to talk about the brother despite what her sister has requested. Sure, she has the right to, but then the sister will leave. It just is what it is and you have to accept it. You can't make her value the same things you value.
I agree with the other poster who mentioned family dynamics. The sister might seem to be overcorrecting or be awkward navigating this right now because she's new to even believing she has autonomy, but that just means OP ignoring her requests will validate her need for boundaries even further.
The reason it matters is because when my friend accused me of something I didn't do and holds me to an impossible standard and gives me an ultimatum, well that's hurtful to me and in this situation, my child. I'm not a robot. When someone hurts me, I respond. Don't you? Or are we expected to be doormats?
Anonymous wrote:A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like. If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic. Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful" There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.
Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK!
So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?
Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere.
Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?
An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother.
info needed, what transpired that she wasn't speaking to your brother?
and you responding that it makes YOU sad, IS making it about yourself rather than listening to her and trusting that, for whatever reason, she does not want to talk about or hear about your brother. Accept that. Stop talking about your brother to her. To have a relationship with a person who invalidates my feelings, or turns situations I am bothered by to be about themselves, is exhausting.
Dude, It was part of a larger conversation. That was not the first or even 20th thing I said. I am allowed to have feelings and to express them. And it would be weird, wouldn't it, if strife in my family didn't elicit some feelings in me? And don't we want to be able to share our feelings with our loved ones? I didn't dwell on the fact that it made me sad, I mentioned it and that set her off.
(The details of why they're not talking are irrelevant and between them.)
I see why your sister put these boundaries in place, you don't listen and continue to make it about you.
The example you proffered was that talking about your brother to your sister upset her. She asked you not to, yet you continue, or think she doesn't have the right to ask that of you. The details of why they aren't talking are 100% relevant if you are turning to an online anonymous community seeking feedback on the matter. It was your own example. Give a better example then.
This example, your response only pushes me to side sister and boundaries. You are exhausting.
I'm exhausting because I spent 1% of a conversation expressing my feelings? I think you may be projecting some stuff from your own life onto this scenario. Maybe you're the one who's exhausting.
no you are exhausting because you seem hell bent on being obtuse and not listening to others feelings or perspectives.
you have yet to provide an example of your sister setting boundaries that aren't perfectly within her right .... i'll wait :roll:
Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want. That doesn't mean they are kind or healthy boundaries. What part of that don't you understand?
again, your responses on this post are showing that your sisters boundaries ARE HEALTHY.... as I wouldn't want to engage with a person like this either.
still waiting on that example of her unhealthy boundary.
But... Pp is right. Sometimes people set boundaries that are hurtful, unkind, unhealthy, mean spirited. And people have every right to express their negative feelings about it.
How has someone in your life set a boundary that is “mean spirited”? To me this just sounds like someone who needs to ignore someone else’s boundaries, likely to manipulate and abuse.
Here's an example: my friend's son got sick and had to miss an activity. She blamed me and my son. I responded yes, my son was sick with strep but had started his antibiotics 1.5 weeks before we saw her kid. She said she saw DS cough though. She said unless I can admit my son got her son sick and we promised to be careful in the future, she can't let her kid play with mine. She called it a boundary. I called it an ultimatum. Her boundary really hurt not only my child but hers too. We're not friends anymore.
That sounds like someone misusing the term, unless she said something that is actually humanly possible. Did she really say “you must admit your kid got my kid sick if they are ever going to play together again”? There’s no way to prove your kid got her kid sick or not, and “be more careful” sounds so subjective that it’s not possible to know if you are satisfying her or not.
At any rate, if she did actually demand for you to say that your kid got her kid sick, then that doesn’t sound like a person you want to be around, anyway.
This is kind of my point though. Some people think they can say or do anything and if they call it a boundary, they can't be at fault.
She really did say I needed to admit that my kid got her kid sick.
Why does it matter if she is at fault? You can think she's at fault and hurting the kids, but it still doesn't mean you get to trample on her boundaries (which you're not). You can't and shouldn't try to control her just like the OP sister can't control what her sister does.
The boundary is what the person setting it will do regardless of whether it's right or wrong to someone else. OP seems to think her sister should spend more time with the family because OP wants it. How much time the sister spends with the family is on the sister to manage. It's on OP to manage her feelings about it.
OP seems to think she has the right to talk about the brother despite what her sister has requested. Sure, she has the right to, but then the sister will leave. It just is what it is and you have to accept it. You can't make her value the same things you value.
I agree with the other poster who mentioned family dynamics. The sister might seem to be overcorrecting or be awkward navigating this right now because she's new to even believing she has autonomy, but that just means OP ignoring her requests will validate her need for boundaries even further.
The reason it matters is because when my friend accused me of something I didn't do and holds me to an impossible standard and gives me an ultimatum, well that's hurtful to me and in this situation, my child. I'm not a robot. When someone hurts me, I respond. Don't you? Or are we expected to be doormats?
I don't think anyone is saying to you that you shouldn't have feelings about what happened. But it doesn't sound like you pushing back against your friend (by saying how hurt you are) would get to a place of reconciliation.
Yes, it sounds like in this case your ex-friend is weaponizing the concept of boundaries because she is angry, irrational, lacks communication skills, and wants to ignore that her own choices here are at least part of the reason her kid got sick at an inopportune time. Frankly, she doesn't seem very mature.
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