Boundaries or something else

[Anonymous]

My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

[Anonymous]

This is very unspecific so hard to say

[Anonymous]

I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced other people using the concept of "setting boundaries" as a broad weapon to get their way.

[Anonymous]

Sis, I didn't realize spending time with family required a formal boundaries agreement. Should we have our lawyers draw up a contract for Christmas dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sis, I didn't realize spending time with family required a formal boundaries agreement. Should we have our lawyers draw up a contract for Christmas dinner?

That's how it feels in my family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very unspecific so hard to say

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very unspecific so hard to say

+1

How does "setting boundaries" look in your family and does it ever have a negative side?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure "boundaries" in the modern sense of the word has one agreed upon definition, but they way a lot of therapists et al use it seems to refer to removing oneself from another's unwanted behavior without forcing/controlling them. I like Dr. Becky's definition: Boundaries are not what we tell kids not to do; boundaries are what we tell kids we will do. Boundaries embody your authority as a parent and don't require your child to do anything.

So if someone is making rude comments toward you a boundary is "if you speak to me or my child again that way we will leave this gathering". Very useful tool, imo.

My husband's step-mom sent out an infamous email "setting boundaries" to our entire family several years back and a lot of it was who other people were and weren't allowed to invite to gatherings (that she was not hosting) and various other things that were not her decision to make and I wouldn't really call boundaries. She wanted to state her case and bring to attention the way she thought things should be, without inviting discussion. She had valid feelings and issues to bring up about some things, but the way she went about it just made everyone think she was being ridiculous.

I've seen "boundaries" used as a way to say "we don't want to do that and we're annoyed that you would even ask" for things that I wouldn't consider unreasonable to ask about. Or just a way for someone who feels overburdened to be a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

It’s likely that you are expecting too much togetherness.

1. If anyone, especially family, declines an invite accept it happily. Do not try to work the problem or find solutions to why they declined. Do not go on about how upset you are or how much you’ll miss her or how sneer eldername whoever will be just crushed. Your response is either no problem, catch you next time or completely understand!

2. Do not invite yourself along to her family events. You don’t need to be part of the birthdays, recitals, games. Do not constantly invite her for every event in your life. Respect that you have your own lives.

3. Drop holiday expectations. Maybe her family wants to travel or just chill with their nuclear family.

4. Do not ask prying questions. If she wants to share she will.

5. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Before you share your opinion or wisdom, ask yourself, did anyone ask for my advice? If the answer is no then stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

It’s likely that you are expecting too much togetherness.

1. If anyone, especially family, declines an invite accept it happily. Do not try to work the problem or find solutions to why they declined. Do not go on about how upset you are or how much you’ll miss her or how sneer eldername whoever will be just crushed. Your response is either no problem, catch you next time or completely understand!

2. Do not invite yourself along to her family events. You don’t need to be part of the birthdays, recitals, games. Do not constantly invite her for every event in your life. Respect that you have your own lives.

3. Drop holiday expectations. Maybe her family wants to travel or just chill with their nuclear family.

4. Do not ask prying questions. If she wants to share she will.

5. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Before you share your opinion or wisdom, ask yourself, did anyone ask for my advice? If the answer is no then stop.

I don't know. This isn't bad advice although not really applicable to the situation. I don't do almost any of those things. I guess the thing is, she ACTS like I/we do those things even though we don't. Her family travels every year for the holidays. No one cares. No one, not even my elderly father gives her a hard time about it. He makes it clear she's welcome to celebrate with him and our step-mom, but it's not expected.
In general though, this seems very cold and distant. I definitely don't want anyone asking "prying" questions about my life, but I don't see how it's inappropriate to show INTEREST in someone's life. She asks if I'm dating anyone. Is that prying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

This sounds fishy. Your older sister is unhappy with the family relationships as they are. It sounds like she needs space and you are offended. If you don't know what boundaries are google it. If her boundaries upset you, get therapy. If she doesn't like how you treat her, you can either change it or spend less time with her. You say you treat her like you treat other people. If you have no friends then you may need to re-examine how you treat people. If you do have friends, spend more time with them because it sounds like your sister is creating some distance.

What are you hoping for positing here? Do you want us to all tell you your sister sounds crazy and boundaries are stupid? Even if your sister is abusing the term and is playing victim, the reality is she does not want to be so close to accept that. If she doesn't seem to like you, spend time with those who do. We cannot change her mind for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced other people using the concept of "setting boundaries" as a broad weapon to get their way.

Honestly, you don't seem to think much of your sister and I am confused why you even want to spend that much time with her. Your choice of words makes me wonder. If a loved one told me she didn't feel the relationship was healthy and she was setting healthy boundaries I would back off. If I thought she was nuts and even after giving her space she was unhappy I would find the level of interaction where you can just be pleasant and not feel uncomfortable. You seem to refuse to see that someone could be unhappy in a relationship with you, if you think things are fine.

I have not had anyone tell me they need more boundaries with me, but I also pay attention to cues. If I invite a family member or friend to get together and the person declines more than once, I leave the ball in that person's court. If someone seems uncomfortable around me and interactions feel forced, I give the person space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

This describes half the posts in this forum. “Family doesn’t accept everything I do and say, therefore I’m setting boundaries.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

It’s likely that you are expecting too much togetherness.

1. If anyone, especially family, declines an invite accept it happily. Do not try to work the problem or find solutions to why they declined. Do not go on about how upset you are or how much you’ll miss her or how sneer eldername whoever will be just crushed. Your response is either no problem, catch you next time or completely understand!

2. Do not invite yourself along to her family events. You don’t need to be part of the birthdays, recitals, games. Do not constantly invite her for every event in your life. Respect that you have your own lives.

3. Drop holiday expectations. Maybe her family wants to travel or just chill with their nuclear family.

4. Do not ask prying questions. If she wants to share she will.

5. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Before you share your opinion or wisdom, ask yourself, did anyone ask for my advice? If the answer is no then stop.

I don't know. This isn't bad advice although not really applicable to the situation. I don't do almost any of those things. I guess the thing is, she ACTS like I/we do those things even though we don't. Her family travels every year for the holidays. No one cares. No one, not even my elderly father gives her a hard time about it. He makes it clear she's welcome to celebrate with him and our step-mom, but it's not expected.
In general though, this seems very cold and distant. I definitely don't want anyone asking "prying" questions about my life, but I don't see how it's inappropriate to show INTEREST in someone's life. She asks if I'm dating anyone. Is that prying?

OP, can you give a concrete example of a boundary she's set?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister is always talking about how she's setting boundaries, but her behavior just seems judgmental. Her attitude comes across as everyone in the family has profoundly disappointed her and she has to set boundaries because of how awful we are. I'm not even clear on what the boundaries are. I treat her like I treat other people. I reach out to spend time with her, listen to her etc. She just doesn't seem to like us but keeps saying this is about "healthy boundaries."

It’s likely that you are expecting too much togetherness.

1. If anyone, especially family, declines an invite accept it happily. Do not try to work the problem or find solutions to why they declined. Do not go on about how upset you are or how much you’ll miss her or how sneer eldername whoever will be just crushed. Your response is either no problem, catch you next time or completely understand!

2. Do not invite yourself along to her family events. You don’t need to be part of the birthdays, recitals, games. Do not constantly invite her for every event in your life. Respect that you have your own lives.

3. Drop holiday expectations. Maybe her family wants to travel or just chill with their nuclear family.

4. Do not ask prying questions. If she wants to share she will.

5. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Before you share your opinion or wisdom, ask yourself, did anyone ask for my advice? If the answer is no then stop.

I don't know. This isn't bad advice although not really applicable to the situation. I don't do almost any of those things. I guess the thing is, she ACTS like I/we do those things even though we don't. Her family travels every year for the holidays. No one cares. No one, not even my elderly father gives her a hard time about it. He makes it clear she's welcome to celebrate with him and our step-mom, but it's not expected.
In general though, this seems very cold and distant. I definitely don't want anyone asking "prying" questions about my life, but I don't see how it's inappropriate to show INTEREST in someone's life. She asks if I'm dating anyone. Is that prying?

OP, can you give a concrete example of a boundary she's set?

No because she doesn't say what they are. She just says she's setting them.