Did disagreement over elder care cause a permanent rift among your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Money is splitting my husband’s hitherto tight-knit family. Money related to eldercare and inheritance.

It’s always money.

One or a few don't want to spend on the parents' care and one or more want to do so?

It's complicated and the financial tension is revealing that some siblings don't trust each other. That's what family crises boil down to - in happy times, everyone can forget about other relatives' flaws, but in times of stress, when you depend on others, it's much harder to ignore.

Right now, my husband is fighting with his brother over disbursement of money, ostensibly for MIL, but there's also now an early inheritance component that should have been kept separate and that BIL is making a condition of spending on MIL. It doesn't make sense on its face, but the truth is that he feels he can't trust my husband to keep clean accounts, and that's why he's mixing everything up and demanding all the accounts be settled ASAP. I understand his fear, because my husband is a poor communicator, even if from my point of view, I don't think my husband would ever short-change him. But in the short-term, this fight is hurting MIL and the two brothers are both digging in their heels and being quite stupid about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Money is splitting my husband’s hitherto tight-knit family. Money related to eldercare and inheritance.

It’s always money.

It’s not always money. It’s resentment. I got stuck being the closest to my mother. I terribly resent one sibling who has visited 2 hours in the last 4 years and is not sympathetic or helpful at all not even in a time of crisis. I now can’t stand that sibling.

Well... if there was more money, someone could be hired to help, instead of putting everything on you.

No because ultimately someone has to be in charge of dispersing the money, getting calls from doctors, finding a more restrictive setting, getting calls begging to visit. It’s never ending.

[Anonymous]

One of my parents pretty much stopped speaking to their sibling after their mom died— think the dispute was over unequal care responsibilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to understand how common this is.

It can create a rift, when it comes to money, and/or if the deceased parent did not have pension and/or continuing benefits left to the surviving spouse, such that the surviving spouse never has to worry about money, shelter, food, health care, and incidentals.

In other words, most of America.

I feel bad for people who have to work full time their entire lives, then well into retirement age, to survive. I know people who barely worked full time, if at all, yet have every benefit available.

So yes, it can cause rifts, OP. Especially if one person designates themselves as decision maker.

[Anonymous]

Yes, brother had said he wouldn’t talk to oldest sister after mom died because she was local and didn’t do much. He decided to steal our inheritance instead and we siblings decided not to fight it since he needed the money more than we did. So he talks to her now when around her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Money is splitting my husband’s hitherto tight-knit family. Money related to eldercare and inheritance.

It’s always money.

I agree money is huge, but it's not just that sometimes. Other contributors:
*Lack of appreciation from siblings and/or parent or downplaying and dismissing what they do. One of my siblings was so condescending about it all and thought she was doing her part buying me a manicure. I have a job and can buy my own manicure or sending me some junk from TJ Maxx. I can afford my own junk and I don't do manicures. What I want is for you to simply try to listen when I tell you what is going on and do not minimize behavior which did indeed turn out to be dementia-and not early stage. Do not dismiss all the times I was there for the parent as no big deal and talk to me like I am your servant.
*Not defending the one who does all the work when parent complains about that sibling
*Not understanding that the siblings who live the farthest away see mom/dad on BEST behavior and are coddled. The experience of the sibling actually there for them is far different and we are usually the ones who see concerning behavior first and get treated the worst.
*Entitlement-One of my siblings expected to be treated like a queen when she visited. She already got Golden Child treatment from parent, but she wanted me doing things for her. We are not close and I am not the free help
*Calling and giving orders/being a back seat driver.
*Trying to make me bad cop. I already shared my concerns with parents. If you have concerns, share them directly. I am not going to take a verbal beating for you. I've gotten plenty.

After enough years of this a sibling relationship that barely existed in the first place is over. There were no childhood memories of kindness or good times together so I knew it was not going to go well, but I thought if I kept taking the high road we could keep things tolerable. I did not know how entitled, greedy and conniving said sibling would become as our remaining parent declined. I still wish her well, but she adds nothing to my life but stress, drama and disappointment.

[Anonymous]

These stories are all so depressing. I’m very close with my siblings, and my husband is very close with his, and I would hate for it to play out like this. His parents are in their 80s so they’ll face it first, presumably.

[Anonymous]

Another example of an argument that is not over money...

Sibling sides with parent regarding avoiding residential setting with supports. Parent is prone to fits of rage and won't stay on meds. Aides cannot make them take meds. We can no longer have parent for holidays or meet parent out in public for holidays because the tantrums have traumatized one of my kids so much we got therapy and it despite getting my own therapy I cannot take another fit. Nobody wants to spend holidays with parent. If parent were in residential setting, parent would have others to eat with for holiday and we could visit, quickly leave if tantrum beginning and know staff will help parent calm down. Even better, staff can make sure parent stays on calming meds so tantrums don't happen.

[Anonymous]

Not so far. Several things that I think help:

-Our parents live in a senior community with the option to go to assisted living if need be. No day to day care needed from family

-We are not paying for any of it. Parents have pensions/SS and savings that will cover 20+ years at this point (they're in their 80s)

-None of us expect any money in inheritance

-They hired someone to come help every few weeks at the apartment and attend medical appointments with them as needed.

I fully realize that this works because my parents are able to throw $ at the problem. They are not rich by any means. They were both school teachers that saved well and have pensions.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I was ignored as I was the youngest sibling who was "not in charge" and was expected to take orders and act on them, but have no input. Have moved past it, and continued our relationship, just not as close as we were at one time.

Same thing happened to dh, also the youngest child. Oldest was "in charge" and threw tantrums and hurled insults and threats when other siblings tried to work out scheduling compromises. Escalated quickly, and none of the other siblings talks to the oldest anymore.

We both had slightly dysfunctional families of origin, so that had a lot to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Every sibling needs a job - responsibility. Someone needs to keep everyone informed and mediate between them. Misunderstandings cause all sorts of trouble. And the reality is an aging, in need of care parent, is facing the end of life and can be depressed, angry, vindictive....exacerbating the tensions.

Also, siblings don't realize that regardless of having the same parent/s each has lived their own life with the parent and can have had very different experiences. So basically, everyone expects each sibling to feel the same based on their own experience, and are angered that others don't feel the same way as them.

Not sure that makes sense, but I realized very quickly in dealing with my own dad's end years that each of us had a very different dad. What I stressed with each was Dad is going to die. We want him to die with dignity, yes, but we need to have a relationship with each other when it was over. We managed. Barely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every sibling needs a job - responsibility. Someone needs to keep everyone informed and mediate between them. Misunderstandings cause all sorts of trouble. And the reality is an aging, in need of care parent, is facing the end of life and can be depressed, angry, vindictive....exacerbating the tensions.

Also, siblings don't realize that regardless of having the same parent/s each has lived their own life with the parent and can have had very different experiences. So basically, everyone expects each sibling to feel the same based on their own experience, and are angered that others don't feel the same way as them.

Not sure that makes sense, but I realized very quickly in dealing with my own dad's end years that each of us had a very different dad. What I stressed with each was Dad is going to die. We want him to die with dignity, yes, but we need to have a relationship with each other when it was over. We managed. Barely.

VERY TRUE.

[Anonymous]

I came to this forum to ask about this exact issue. The upcoming holidays raise this issue for us. I bore the brunt of caregiving despite siblings and spouses in the same town doing almost nothing to assist, even when clearly and repeatedly asked. They've never said thank you. They hold a party line amongst themselves that what we did to help the parents really wasn't that hard and their reasons for not helping absolve them. It is so hurtful, deeply disappointing, and was also hurting to the parents who didn't see or speak with their children much in their last couple of years. These siblings acknowledge their parents were wonderful. This isn't the result of some pathos in the relationships over the years. It is simply that elder care is painful, tedious and exhausting, and they did not want to do it. It is so hard to attend family gatherings now and act like nothing happened. Anyone else feel this way? I'd love to hear how everyone handles it. Good luck and hugs to us all over the upcoming holidays.

[Anonymous]

16:17 adding to the above, it's also really hurtful to realize we can't depend on these siblings in any real way during emergencies. We've seen how they are. Really painful to face that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another example of an argument that is not over money...

Sibling sides with parent regarding avoiding residential setting with supports. Parent is prone to fits of rage and won't stay on meds. Aides cannot make them take meds. We can no longer have parent for holidays or meet parent out in public for holidays because the tantrums have traumatized one of my kids so much we got therapy and it despite getting my own therapy I cannot take another fit. Nobody wants to spend holidays with parent. If parent were in residential setting, parent would have others to eat with for holiday and we could visit, quickly leave if tantrum beginning and know staff will help parent calm down. Even better, staff can make sure parent stays on calming meds so tantrums don't happen.

+1 Mom had opportunity to move into a new luxurious continuing care apartment with now-deceased dad but refused so both parents had to rely on never-left-home bro who, not surprisingly, sided with mom against dad. Dad gave up and withdrew reservation. Other parents we knew were very happy at this CCC. Mom turned out to have dementia, which bro refused to acknowledge and turned mom against attempts of other siblings and had her disinherit other siblings and grandchildren. Never would have believed this would have happened to our family since we were very close growing up. Still struggling with this.