Did disagreement over elder care cause a permanent rift among your siblings?

[Anonymous]

No, we are a big family of seven kids and two of us took charge. We are all good friends and the other five respected the POV of the other two. Twice additional money was needed for their care and no one blinked because they trusted the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to this forum to ask about this exact issue. The upcoming holidays raise this issue for us. I bore the brunt of caregiving despite siblings and spouses in the same town doing almost nothing to assist, even when clearly and repeatedly asked. They've never said thank you. They hold a party line amongst themselves that what we did to help the parents really wasn't that hard and their reasons for not helping absolve them. It is so hurtful, deeply disappointing, and was also hurting to the parents who didn't see or speak with their children much in their last couple of years. These siblings acknowledge their parents were wonderful. This isn't the result of some pathos in the relationships over the years. It is simply that elder care is painful, tedious and exhausting, and they did not want to do it. It is so hard to attend family gatherings now and act like nothing happened. Anyone else feel this way? I'd love to hear how everyone handles it. Good luck and hugs to us all over the upcoming holidays.

My parents were like your siblings. They were not that involved and completely downplayed what the active siblings did to make themselves feel better. I actually think the siblings should not have sucked it up. You have to accept someone's choice not to do much, but when they downplay it, I think it's fine to gently say something (though it is unlikely they will apologize or care, because then they might feel guilty) or distance yourself for a while. Both aunts who had the hardest jobs with the parents (being point person NOT moving them in) in my family ended up with cancer. So, they made the most sacrifices and within a few years of last parent dying the reward was cancer-both had terrible battles with it, one died. I think you need to do whatever helps you reward yourself and live life to the fullest. Don't expect them to ever appreciate your labor of love, but do focus on doing what will truly bring you joy during the holidays. You may need to modify your relationship level with them so you don't feel resentment and spend more time with people who fill your cup.

[Anonymous]

Knock wood, so far my brother and I are doing very well via a vis our 89 year old mom, despite our vast political different difference. Our cousin isn’t speaking or only barely speaking with her two brothers over care for my 91 year old aunt. Resentment over their non involvement and the burden falling all on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Knock wood, so far my brother and I are doing very well via a vis our 89 year old mom, despite our vast political different difference. Our cousin isn’t speaking or only barely speaking with her two brothers over care for my 91 year old aunt. Resentment over their non involvement and the burden falling all on her.

The burden doesn’t always fall on women but so so often it does.

[Anonymous]

So far we are good and my parents were good parents when we were little, but my bro (my only sibling) and SIL are very, very far right and very anxious to discuss politics. Feels like I’m walking on eggshells all the time with them. I don’t care if they think I’m wrong, but they do care if they think I might think they are wrong about something. And they think I think that because I consume mainstream media, not because I criticize their politics.
Before our parents became needy we could just have a few pleasant conversations at holiday events and avoid contact the rest of the year. I miss that.

[Anonymous]

Some siblings feel their time, feelings, energy, work, friends, etc., are more important than those of their siblings. It seems ‘right,’ to them that they wouldn’t be impacted by eldercare and that siblings bear the responsibility. It’s a sad zero-sum game dynamic in some families. Very damaging to relationships in the long run.

[Anonymous]

My late mother's illnesses/dementia/decline in her last few years actually brought my brother and me much closer. There were occasional resentments and disagreements (he lived overseas and I lived in same town, so more day to day burdens fell on me), but we ended up talking much more through it all and are definitely closer now. We were both so stunned and appalled and shaken that we spent a lot of time consoling each other. It helped that she had plenty of money so although there were numerous huge stressors (she kept firing aides, was angry and difficult), at least we could throw money at problems and still know there would be plenty left over. The thing that caused/causes me most sadness and anger is not sibling stuff, but how mean my mother became.

My one piece of advice, which is probably not implementable in all cases, is: try to have a family conference EARLY and face the issue head on. ("Dealing with parents who are in declining health can really tear siblings apart, especially when dementia is involved. How do we keep this from happening to us? Can we talk about what we each think we need and what we each think we can give? Can we agree on how we will make decisions?)

[Anonymous]

Sort of. But I’d say it brought out resentments that were always there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some siblings feel their time, feelings, energy, work, friends, etc., are more important than those of their siblings. It seems ‘right,’ to them that they wouldn’t be impacted by eldercare and that siblings bear the responsibility. It’s a sad zero-sum game dynamic in some families. Very damaging to relationships in the long run.

I'm glad you brought this up. This is so true and something that was so clear to me and yet I had never articulated. In our case, the same sibling supported mom's insistence on aging in place. When her abusive behavior and firing of aides became too much after enough years we burned out. Now it's on that sibling to deal. She just assumed we would endure endless abuse and emergencies and her job was fancier than ours and so she was too important to lift a finger. Curious to see if changes her tune on AL and Memory Care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some siblings feel their time, feelings, energy, work, friends, etc., are more important than those of their siblings. It seems ‘right,’ to them that they wouldn’t be impacted by eldercare and that siblings bear the responsibility. It’s a sad zero-sum game dynamic in some families. Very damaging to relationships in the long run.

I’m OP. Sadly, this is the situation.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and it all comes up around the holidays. Really, really hard, We just don't like being around siblings now because of how they avoided contributing to the care of parents. It's really hard & hurtful. Especially since I think that if we all had to go back and do it again, they'd do the same thing. And it seems like not dealing with elderly parents was more important than maintaining good relationships with me/us. I just wish they'd say thank you. I wish they'd acknowledge just what their lack of involvement did to my wife and I during our long run of taking care of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and it all comes up around the holidays. Really, really hard, We just don't like being around siblings now because of how they avoided contributing to the care of parents. It's really hard & hurtful. Especially since I think that if we all had to go back and do it again, they'd do the same thing. And it seems like not dealing with elderly parents was more important than maintaining good relationships with me/us. I just wish they'd say thank you. I wish they'd acknowledge just what their lack of involvement did to my wife and I during our long run of taking care of parents.

Where do you all live and in relation to your parents? Why do you think your siblings checked out of the process?

[Anonymous]

No but we are a family of 6 and I'm the only girl, so low drama. Also we all agreed that their money is their money and we would not try to "save" money for inheritance and we spent a lot of money to make sure they were happy and healthy until the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and it all comes up around the holidays. Really, really hard, We just don't like being around siblings now because of how they avoided contributing to the care of parents. It's really hard & hurtful. Especially since I think that if we all had to go back and do it again, they'd do the same thing. And it seems like not dealing with elderly parents was more important than maintaining good relationships with me/us. I just wish they'd say thank you. I wish they'd acknowledge just what their lack of involvement did to my wife and I during our long run of taking care of parents.

Where do you all live and in relation to your parents? Why do you think your siblings checked out of the process?

I think someone put it really well a few response above. The siblings and their spouses simply felt that their lives and time shouldn't be imposed upon. The avoidance was deliberate, despite us communicating the need and desire for help. Most of the siblings live locally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sort of. But I’d say it brought out resentments that were always there.

+1
This it for us. One particularily hot argument was some resentment over where someone's friend was seated at our wedding almost 25 years ago