Did disagreement over elder care cause a permanent rift among your siblings?

[Anonymous]

I’m trying to understand how common this is.

[Anonymous]

Yes! For several of my friends too which was shocking because they had better sibling relationships going in. I do think how difficult the elder is can factor in because a challenging elder may try to divide and conquer to get her/his way.

[Anonymous]

It caused a rift for the first year or two but things have finally blown over.

[Anonymous]

It's happening right now with DH. I'm not sure how they will recover from some of the insane accusations (accusing siblings of stealing parents' money and sponging off them in general.) These are not true.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely with my DH and his siblings.

[Anonymous]

Yes! Many siblings in my family. Disagreed about care and after parent passed, the relationships were permanently ruined. Parent had no assets and no money so this was not a factor. Most siblings were hurt and could not recover from loss of parent and loss of sibling relationships. Many years have passed and once close siblings have no relationships today. All live in same town. Quite a loss for all.

[Anonymous]

No. Not a permanent rift. We were not always on the same page. There were hurt feelings, disagreements. Often over practical issues, some emotional. We made it to the other side ok. There are 4 of us.

Even after both parents passed and some years later, we handle the grief differently and don't always understand the grief of others -- but no rift, no lasting negatives to our relationships.

[Anonymous]

My Dad's family truly appeared to be the picture perfect happy family. It went completely to pieces once one parent passed and figuring out elder care for the other.

In my Mom's family the two sisters who were the closest, never talked again after the elder care years.

Years later and here I am in the same phase with my siblings. Just trying to lay low while the bombs explode around me. Thinking a few relationships will be destroyed in the next year. It sucks. People say and do crappy stuff when stressed and emotional.

[Anonymous]

Money is splitting my husband’s hitherto tight-knit family. Money related to eldercare and inheritance.

It’s always money.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all. I feel a little less alone.
OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Many siblings in my family. Disagreed about care and after parent passed, the relationships were permanently ruined. Parent had no assets and no money so this was not a factor. Most siblings were hurt and could not recover from loss of parent and loss of sibling relationships. Many years have passed and once close siblings have no relationships today. All live in same town. Quite a loss for all.

So what went down? There were no assets in our family, but fortunately we figured it out. I attribute it to seeing two different situations: my dad's older sister ripping off her younger siblings and my mom's siblings coming to a consensus on literally everything.

But maybe it was just dumb - and fortunate - luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad's family truly appeared to be the picture perfect happy family. It went completely to pieces once one parent passed and figuring out elder care for the other.

In my Mom's family the two sisters who were the closest, never talked again after the elder care years.

Years later and here I am in the same phase with my siblings. Just trying to lay low while the bombs explode around me. Thinking a few relationships will be destroyed in the next year. It sucks. People say and do crappy stuff when stressed and emotional.

Can you be more precise? What are the bombs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Money is splitting my husband’s hitherto tight-knit family. Money related to eldercare and inheritance.

It’s always money.

One or a few don't want to spend on the parents' care and one or more want to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Money is splitting my husband’s hitherto tight-knit family. Money related to eldercare and inheritance.

It’s always money.

It’s not always money. It’s resentment. I got stuck being the closest to my mother. I terribly resent one sibling who has visited 2 hours in the last 4 years and is not sympathetic or helpful at all not even in a time of crisis. I now can’t stand that sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Money is splitting my husband’s hitherto tight-knit family. Money related to eldercare and inheritance.

It’s always money.

It’s not always money. It’s resentment. I got stuck being the closest to my mother. I terribly resent one sibling who has visited 2 hours in the last 4 years and is not sympathetic or helpful at all not even in a time of crisis. I now can’t stand that sibling.

Well... if there was more money, someone could be hired to help, instead of putting everything on you.