Did disagreement over elder care cause a permanent rift among your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another example of an argument that is not over money...

Sibling sides with parent regarding avoiding residential setting with supports. Parent is prone to fits of rage and won't stay on meds. Aides cannot make them take meds. We can no longer have parent for holidays or meet parent out in public for holidays because the tantrums have traumatized one of my kids so much we got therapy and it despite getting my own therapy I cannot take another fit. Nobody wants to spend holidays with parent. If parent were in residential setting, parent would have others to eat with for holiday and we could visit, quickly leave if tantrum beginning and know staff will help parent calm down. Even better, staff can make sure parent stays on calming meds so tantrums don't happen.

+1 Mom had opportunity to move into a new luxurious continuing care apartment with now-deceased dad but refused so both parents had to rely on never-left-home bro who, not surprisingly, sided with mom against dad. Dad gave up and withdrew reservation. Other parents we knew were very happy at this CCC. Mom turned out to have dementia, which bro refused to acknowledge and turned mom against attempts of other siblings and had her disinherit other siblings and grandchildren. Never would have believed this would have happened to our family since we were very close growing up. Still struggling with this.

Similar issue only never left home sister is now living in luxurious assisted living with my mother, on my mother's dime, after my father's death. Her little jobs pay just under what's required for free insurance. In a 1000 square foot place, my mother is relegated only to the bedroom as my sister sleeps in the living portion. Sister refuses to even entertain a job outside her low-paying field so she can be independent. My sister actually feels that 'since she's done so much, she deserves to be paid for it', even though my mother pays for the top tier of assistance in the facility. Threatens that if my mother moves to an assisted living back where main family and friends are, she will bill us for everything she's done. What she doesn't know is that the facility is actually questioning why my sister is there and, after a couple months, is watching the situation. And I didn't even have to say a thing.

It's amazing how one sibling can really go on the attack when there's money involved. Scary even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another example of an argument that is not over money...

Sibling sides with parent regarding avoiding residential setting with supports. Parent is prone to fits of rage and won't stay on meds. Aides cannot make them take meds. We can no longer have parent for holidays or meet parent out in public for holidays because the tantrums have traumatized one of my kids so much we got therapy and it despite getting my own therapy I cannot take another fit. Nobody wants to spend holidays with parent. If parent were in residential setting, parent would have others to eat with for holiday and we could visit, quickly leave if tantrum beginning and know staff will help parent calm down. Even better, staff can make sure parent stays on calming meds so tantrums don't happen.

+1 Mom had opportunity to move into a new luxurious continuing care apartment with now-deceased dad but refused so both parents had to rely on never-left-home bro who, not surprisingly, sided with mom against dad. Dad gave up and withdrew reservation. Other parents we knew were very happy at this CCC. Mom turned out to have dementia, which bro refused to acknowledge and turned mom against attempts of other siblings and had her disinherit other siblings and grandchildren. Never would have believed this would have happened to our family since we were very close growing up. Still struggling with this.

Similar issue only never left home sister is now living in luxurious assisted living with my mother, on my mother's dime, after my father's death. Her little jobs pay just under what's required for free insurance. In a 1000 square foot place, my mother is relegated only to the bedroom as my sister sleeps in the living portion. Sister refuses to even entertain a job outside her low-paying field so she can be independent. My sister actually feels that 'since she's done so much, she deserves to be paid for it', even though my mother pays for the top tier of assistance in the facility. Threatens that if my mother moves to an assisted living back where main family and friends are, she will bill us for everything she's done. What she doesn't know is that the facility is actually questioning why my sister is there and, after a couple months, is watching the situation. And I didn't even have to say a thing.

It's amazing how one sibling can really go on the attack when there's money involved. Scary even.

The really good thing in this situation is that your sister isn’t in the family house. It’s so hard to kick the sibling out and sell the house when a parent dies. When your mom passed your sister will get kicked out of the assisted living place. Or she will get kicked out sooner.

[Anonymous]

I watched my parents do nothing for my grandmother while their siblings who lived near her did everything. *all* my parents did was complain after-the-fact that the affairs had been financially mismanaged. This actually may have been true but you know what? Given that they did *nothing* to assist over a decade+ when care was needed, I think they should shut TF up and be grateful for the loving care that was provided without complaint. My aunts and uncles seem to feel the same because while they remain superficially polite to my parents, there is a huge emotional rift there. I find my parents’ attitude and behavior incomprehensible and assume it is the cherry on the top of 50+ years of family dysfunction, most of which happened before my time.

[Anonymous]

Revisiting this thread to ask how the holiday went for everyone? Caregiver here who was completely overloaded by eldercare by siblings. I now go to family events as little as possible. Went to TG this year only to have to grin-and-bear-it through veiled barbed comments about how I really should be hosting this year, not the sibling who hosted last year hosting again. Now that the elders have passed, siblings want things to be shared & equal. Cue the painful eye roll. It really is painful, too. The lack of boundaries that existed in the caregiving continues, but at l least now I can enforce my boundaries. Before, if I did that, really only our parents would have been harmed. The siblings more than anything wanted their own time & choices to be the priority. That’s just the way it is. I’ve accepted it in as dry-eyed way as I can, because dwelling on how wrong it is only wastes my time & energy. I think from here on out, I just need to compartmentalize and see them on rare occasions of my choosing. Very very sad, though.

[Anonymous]

Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched my parents do nothing for my grandmother while their siblings who lived near her did everything. *all* my parents did was complain after-the-fact that the affairs had been financially mismanaged. This actually may have been true but you know what? Given that they did *nothing* to assist over a decade+ when care was needed, I think they should shut TF up and be grateful for the loving care that was provided without complaint. My aunts and uncles seem to feel the same because while they remain superficially polite to my parents, there is a huge emotional rift there. I find my parents’ attitude and behavior incomprehensible and assume it is the cherry on the top of 50+ years of family dysfunction, most of which happened before my time.

So your grandmother failed to plan and they blame your parents?!? Parents should learn from this and start planning for their later years ahead of time and STOP burdening your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another example of an argument that is not over money...

Sibling sides with parent regarding avoiding residential setting with supports. Parent is prone to fits of rage and won't stay on meds. Aides cannot make them take meds. We can no longer have parent for holidays or meet parent out in public for holidays because the tantrums have traumatized one of my kids so much we got therapy and it despite getting my own therapy I cannot take another fit. Nobody wants to spend holidays with parent. If parent were in residential setting, parent would have others to eat with for holiday and we could visit, quickly leave if tantrum beginning and know staff will help parent calm down. Even better, staff can make sure parent stays on calming meds so tantrums don't happen.

+1 Mom had opportunity to move into a new luxurious continuing care apartment with now-deceased dad but refused so both parents had to rely on never-left-home bro who, not surprisingly, sided with mom against dad. Dad gave up and withdrew reservation. Other parents we knew were very happy at this CCC. Mom turned out to have dementia, which bro refused to acknowledge and turned mom against attempts of other siblings and had her disinherit other siblings and grandchildren. Never would have believed this would have happened to our family since we were very close growing up. Still struggling with this.

Similar issue only never left home sister is now living in luxurious assisted living with my mother, on my mother's dime, after my father's death. Her little jobs pay just under what's required for free insurance. In a 1000 square foot place, my mother is relegated only to the bedroom as my sister sleeps in the living portion. Sister refuses to even entertain a job outside her low-paying field so she can be independent. My sister actually feels that 'since she's done so much, she deserves to be paid for it', even though my mother pays for the top tier of assistance in the facility. Threatens that if my mother moves to an assisted living back where main family and friends are, she will bill us for everything she's done. What she doesn't know is that the facility is actually questioning why my sister is there and, after a couple months, is watching the situation. And I didn't even have to say a thing.

It's amazing how one sibling can really go on the attack when there's money involved. Scary even.

The really good thing in this situation is that your sister isn’t in the family house. It’s so hard to kick the sibling out and sell the house when a parent dies. When your mom passed your sister will get kicked out of the assisted living place. Or she will get kicked out sooner.

PP, IDK your personal circumstances, but I do think the house sale can be complicated. I have two scenarios: 1 - My grandparents divided their land roughly into thirds (the rough divide is for another post) and one aunt inherited a house on her parcel. This was a blessing as she was a single mom barely keeping it together for her eight kids (two whom she lost in their youth). Of the remaining six, one lived at home with her. He didn't have steady work - freelance car/truck/small engine mechanic - but also didn't have to pay rent. When my aunt neared the end of her life, she moved in with her daughter for care because she was simply going to be more attentive. She divided up her parcel into six for her kids, but the son who lived with her got the house. I know my cousin could've use what would have been more cash if the parcel had been sold with the house, but she accepted it and moved on.

2 - A friend's cousin quit her job and moved home to take care of her parents in their house. As this was before there was any reimbursement for family care, she had no income save whatever change she got from buying groceries for her parent with their money, etc. Her prior job barely covered her bills and it seemed that the consensus was she was in the best place of all the siblings to take on this task. But when both parents died, her siblings wanted the house sold yesterday with the proceeds split equally. There was no recognition of how she had been out of the work force for 12 years, living in this house. Granted, no living expenses yet no income. I don't remember how it turned out but know that she was devastated at what was basically unpaid labor for her siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

Who do you think is going to magically do it? I want to prioritize my family but once you are the contact person you get called relentlessly by doctors, care providers, assisted living/nursing home. My mother needs to move from assisted living to memory care. So if every sibling prioritizes their own needs how is this move going to magically happen?

If you are a sibling who doesn’t help out while one sibling who doesn’t want to have to take charge or be involved is stuck with all the care you are fundamentally an evil person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

IDK - the parent still needs care. It's not as if the siblings are coughing up cash when setting these priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched my parents do nothing for my grandmother while their siblings who lived near her did everything. *all* my parents did was complain after-the-fact that the affairs had been financially mismanaged. This actually may have been true but you know what? Given that they did *nothing* to assist over a decade+ when care was needed, I think they should shut TF up and be grateful for the loving care that was provided without complaint. My aunts and uncles seem to feel the same because while they remain superficially polite to my parents, there is a huge emotional rift there. I find my parents’ attitude and behavior incomprehensible and assume it is the cherry on the top of 50+ years of family dysfunction, most of which happened before my time.

So your grandmother failed to plan and they blame your parents?!? Parents should learn from this and start planning for their later years ahead of time and STOP burdening your children.

I kinda get this, but also think that was the generational expectation. My mother and her siblings - raised on a farm - divided up sleepovers with their mom when their dad passed away (together they were one unit, but grandma could not cope cognitively once he was gone). They did this until my grandmother's agitation from her Alzheimer's outstripped their care abilities and then they relocated her to a nursing home. It's simply how it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

Do not feel guilty over this. Parents in their right mind would want you to prioritize their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

IDK - the parent still needs care. It's not as if the siblings are coughing up cash when setting these priorities.

Just like child-free people plan, so should parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched my parents do nothing for my grandmother while their siblings who lived near her did everything. *all* my parents did was complain after-the-fact that the affairs had been financially mismanaged. This actually may have been true but you know what? Given that they did *nothing* to assist over a decade+ when care was needed, I think they should shut TF up and be grateful for the loving care that was provided without complaint. My aunts and uncles seem to feel the same because while they remain superficially polite to my parents, there is a huge emotional rift there. I find my parents’ attitude and behavior incomprehensible and assume it is the cherry on the top of 50+ years of family dysfunction, most of which happened before my time.

So your grandmother failed to plan and they blame your parents?!? Parents should learn from this and start planning for their later years ahead of time and STOP burdening your children.

I kinda get this, but also think that was the generational expectation. My mother and her siblings - raised on a farm - divided up sleepovers with their mom when their dad passed away (together they were one unit, but grandma could not cope cognitively once he was gone). They did this until my grandmother's agitation from her Alzheimer's outstripped their care abilities and then they relocated her to a nursing home. It's simply how it worked.

That was yonder years. We are approaching 2024 and half the kids don’t even live near their parents. Life is much busier now, and parents who don’t plan for their own future are delusional to think someone should just drop their lives. No one is having sleepovers with family like that anymore. Let this be a lesson to anyone having children as a care plan. Please spread the word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched my parents do nothing for my grandmother while their siblings who lived near her did everything. *all* my parents did was complain after-the-fact that the affairs had been financially mismanaged. This actually may have been true but you know what? Given that they did *nothing* to assist over a decade+ when care was needed, I think they should shut TF up and be grateful for the loving care that was provided without complaint. My aunts and uncles seem to feel the same because while they remain superficially polite to my parents, there is a huge emotional rift there. I find my parents’ attitude and behavior incomprehensible and assume it is the cherry on the top of 50+ years of family dysfunction, most of which happened before my time.

So your grandmother failed to plan and they blame your parents?!? Parents should learn from this and start planning for their later years ahead of time and STOP burdening your children.

I kinda get this, but also think that was the generational expectation. My mother and her siblings - raised on a farm - divided up sleepovers with their mom when their dad passed away (together they were one unit, but grandma could not cope cognitively once he was gone). They did this until my grandmother's agitation from her Alzheimer's outstripped their care abilities and then they relocated her to a nursing home. It's simply how it worked.

Did your mom and siblings not have own family? Just curious because with the cost of child care and extracurricular activities i can barely keep myself together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

I understand this idea, but what if the lack of attention to parents would mean neglect, suffering? What if all siblings choose to prioritize their own families? Do the parents simply suffer? This kind of talk about boundaries & priorities & choice sounds nice in theory, but ultimately, someone needs to do the caregiving. This comment is very unkind, unfair and out of touch with the reality of caregiving.