Did disagreement over elder care cause a permanent rift among your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched my parents do nothing for my grandmother while their siblings who lived near her did everything. *all* my parents did was complain after-the-fact that the affairs had been financially mismanaged. This actually may have been true but you know what? Given that they did *nothing* to assist over a decade+ when care was needed, I think they should shut TF up and be grateful for the loving care that was provided without complaint. My aunts and uncles seem to feel the same because while they remain superficially polite to my parents, there is a huge emotional rift there. I find my parents’ attitude and behavior incomprehensible and assume it is the cherry on the top of 50+ years of family dysfunction, most of which happened before my time.

So your grandmother failed to plan and they blame your parents?!? Parents should learn from this and start planning for their later years ahead of time and STOP burdening your children.

I kinda get this, but also think that was the generational expectation. My mother and her siblings - raised on a farm - divided up sleepovers with their mom when their dad passed away (together they were one unit, but grandma could not cope cognitively once he was gone). They did this until my grandmother's agitation from her Alzheimer's outstripped their care abilities and then they relocated her to a nursing home. It's simply how it worked.

Did your mom and siblings not have own family? Just curious because with the cost of child care and extracurricular activities i can barely keep myself together.

Yes, large ones by today’s standards. They were also six siblings so they rotated to spread the inconvenience.

I’m not defending or proposing this but explaining why some members of this group of elders hasn’t really planned - they are are just doing what their parents did.

I’m very clear with DH that I prefer an arrangement that our kids are able to be present when they are with us and not needing to handle all aspects of caregiving. Ideally we will have saved enough to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

Sure. So my choice is to prioritize my mental health and wash my hands of that sibling. Surviving parent is about to do that same thing. Hopefully sibling will be okay when his kids do the same when he’s dying. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

My family went thru this. In retrospect my brother’s lack of any care or empathy shouldn’t have surprised me. And while I’m still a little sad for my parent(s), they created, or at least allowed, my brother’s self-centeredness.

For those of you going thru this, my recommendation is to act in a way that you won’t regret later. My brother stuck his head in the sand regarding our father’s dementia - I had pretty much stopped taking to my brother during the last two years of my father’s life, but I told him twice it was getting significantly worse, and he should visit before it was too late, which was all my mom wanted. He never visited. I don’t know if he regrets that now or not, or will in the future, but I know I don’t regret what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

Sure. So my choice is to prioritize my mental health and wash my hands of that sibling. Surviving parent is about to do that same thing. Hopefully sibling will be okay when his kids do the same when he’s dying. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

My family went thru this. In retrospect my brother’s lack of any care or empathy shouldn’t have surprised me. And while I’m still a little sad for my parent(s), they created, or at least allowed, my brother’s self-centeredness.

For those of you going thru this, my recommendation is to act in a way that you won’t regret later. My brother stuck his head in the sand regarding our father’s dementia - I had pretty much stopped taking to my brother during the last two years of my father’s life, but I told him twice it was getting significantly worse, and he should visit before it was too late, which was all my mom wanted. He never visited. I don’t know if he regrets that now or not, or will in the future, but I know I don’t regret what I did.

And to follow up on this - no caregiving was necessary- just occasional emotional and logistical support - parents had more than enough for assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do siblings get mad at the other sibling for setting boundaries and prioritizing their own family over dying parents? We all have a choice.

Sure. So my choice is to prioritize my mental health and wash my hands of that sibling. Surviving parent is about to do that same thing. Hopefully sibling will be okay when his kids do the same when he’s dying. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

My family went thru this. In retrospect my brother’s lack of any care or empathy shouldn’t have surprised me. And while I’m still a little sad for my parent(s), they created, or at least allowed, my brother’s self-centeredness.

For those of you going thru this, my recommendation is to act in a way that you won’t regret later. My brother stuck his head in the sand regarding our father’s dementia - I had pretty much stopped taking to my brother during the last two years of my father’s life, but I told him twice it was getting significantly worse, and he should visit before it was too late, which was all my mom wanted. He never visited. I don’t know if he regrets that now or not, or will in the future, but I know I don’t regret what I did.

Excellent advice. Thank you.