Elders sometimes become abusive toward those they were closest to, so please don't insert yourself

[Anonymous]

Just here to agree and add my own story to the mix. Narcissistic Mother (NPD undiagnosed) and divorced father from a young age who we only saw on the occasional weekends. He cheated and beat my mother. Both parents had multiple marriages and divorces. Both parents were too wrapped up in their own relationships and lives when I was growing up to be decent or present parents. We were neglected kids often left home alone for days on end with little food, medical care, etc. - even Christmas and other holidays we were left alone while our parents were off with whomever across the country. Now, here I am in my 40s with my own family and demanding career left with two parents who are still divorced/single, aging, and suddenly expect their children who they largely neglected to be there to care for them in their old age. And boy, our society really loves to tell us (guilt us) into caring for our parents (especially if we are women). I also often have people come up and say, "Oh, your mother is so kind and fun" or "What I would do if MY mother was still alive...."

Nope. Not everybody came from a loving household with loving parents.

I am there to help my mother in her elderly age within limits for whatever reason. My siblings often question why when she's been mean to me most of my life. The relationships we have with our mothers is hardwired and weird, but with a narcissistic parent you HAVE to set your own boundaries and limits or they will suck all the life out of you.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a few types of "family"\"friends" who insert themselves-those addicted to drama and dysfunction and come from dysfunction and those who came from loving families and are too naive to fathom there could be abuse. In families where there is an decent amount of money to inherit, you can also find the person hoping to profit from getting involved-trying to win points and cash from elder.

If you have empathy and knew the person distancing you step back and look at the big picture. You figure there is probably a lot to the story.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP.
I'm no longer on speaking terms with my aunt for this very reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been working in home health, mostly eldercare and often hospice status care, for the last near decade. The experience has been eye opening for me in terms of these issues. I'm the poster from the deeply dysfunctional family who posted above, so I have a lot of context I bring to the job. I consider myself a fairly perceptive empathic person - and I have definitely recognized on many occasions that the sweet patient who treated me so kindly was actually quite awful to the kids with whom they resided or who visited them. If you pay attention and you've had the experience yourself, you see the little tells that give away even a very manipulative person when they interact with their kids. You can see the pain in the kids faces, too.

I don't judge any kids who stay away from their parents. I always assume there is a very good reason they can't bear to see them.

+1

Thank you for your inside perspective. This is very true. We do our best, but there is just too much history, and older people are set in their ways, so if they were stubborn to begin with, their difficult personalities are compounded in age.

[Anonymous]

Another big problem is when people try to focus on empathy to excuse many years of abuse. Too often it's not the disease causing the abuse, just the disease causing a worsening of abusive behavior and abusers love to target those of us with empathy. We spend years trying to understand their perspective and illness and making excuses. Our heartstrings have been tugged at so much they broke from the abuse.

Those who want to insert themselves should instead simply insert themselves more with the abusive elder. Spent lots of time with the person. Invite them over. Often abusers, even those in the early stages of dementia can still turn it on for others. You fulfill your need to help and they get some social interaction. Just stay out of the dynamics that caused an adult child/sibling/niece or nephew to endure years of abuse and get years of therapy before they decided I cannot take another second of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Another issue is how relentless some elders are in inducing guilt into their adult children and grandkids. It’s not right.

[Anonymous]

Honesty I would focus on protecting her finances whatever it takes. I had a mother who was mentally ill and I remember how difficult it was to realize that she isn’t an adult making sane decisions anymore and I need to make decisions for her even if she doesn’t like it. I hope you have more strength than I did back when she was alive.

[Anonymous]

Yes I can relate.

I just tell people to their faces my mother is awful if I get a guilt trip or a comment about how I should be doing more. I have zero shame. I did nothing wrong and I don’t need to pretend. If people ask questions I answer them and if people say things to me that indicate they are clueless about how some parent-child relationships can be, I fill them in matter of fact. If they don’t like hearing it, oh well. Guess you shouldn’t have started the conversation.

I’m not uncomfortable with it. Genuinely. You shouldn’t be either. You have nothing to hide and covering for people and keeping things stuffed inside is toxic and makes you feel shame that you shouldn’t carry.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is yes. 100% yes. Right there with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I can relate.

I just tell people to their faces my mother is awful if I get a guilt trip or a comment about how I should be doing more. I have zero shame. I did nothing wrong and I don’t need to pretend. If people ask questions I answer them and if people say things to me that indicate they are clueless about how some parent-child relationships can be, I fill them in matter of fact. If they don’t like hearing it, oh well. Guess you shouldn’t have started the conversation.

I’m not uncomfortable with it. Genuinely. You shouldn’t be either. You have nothing to hide and covering for people and keeping things stuffed inside is toxic and makes you feel shame that you shouldn’t carry.

I love this. Thank you. I wish I could say, “well my mom was kind of a crappy mom to be and often ignored me. I read all the time even at dinner to have some company (only child). I was emotionally neglected from a young age and moreso once I was a teen. All I wanted was a family to love me. Now I have created that for myself and my mother who has dementia is still so mean to me. I don’t want to talk to her as I kind of hate her but it’s my mother so I can’t really say that. Does that answer your question?”

[Anonymous]

I want to thank everyone who has posted and I hope people will continue to post. It has helped me feel less alone. I wish everyone posting peace and healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP.
I'm no longer on speaking terms with my aunt for this very reason.

I no longer speak to my sibling for this reason.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’m looking into a crystal ball by reading your story, OP, but diffracted; Mother becoming more “difficult” (I’m so used to using protective, couching language I can’t even put more than this into words) as she maybe starts to slide into dementia, and Father who can suddenly be so snarling and hurtful, but just to Mother and me—the epitome of self-controlled, effortless, charming politeness to everyone else, so admired for his uniqueness (which is true)—and it’s getting worse these days. And again, I know I sound contrived and overly vague but I’m just not capable of writing any even remotely identifying detail on here, even though the likelihood of his being identified here is so slim. One amazing unexpected benefit when my husband came on the scene, was that my father has always been perfectly behaved around him, although there is a language difference so already there have been situations where he will only explain part of a dynamic in English when my husband is present, leaving it to me to be burdened with the rest.

We all live very far apart, and the distance makes me feel so much anxiety and guilt, but is also so good for me and my sanity, and maybe for all of us. In short chunks we can perform who we wish we were to each other, and pretend that is really who and how we are to each other.

But then after a while, I get convinced by this untruth and forget the reality, and wake up in the middle of the night with chest pain and crippling anxiety and guilt about being such an awful ungrateful daughter, which is offset next time I see them and they act insufferable, and my expectations reset and my guilt over mostly abandoning them is replaced by grief over the loss of the ideal and my inability to be what I wish I could be to them, and the cycle repeats.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

My mother tries to drive a wedge between siblings. It’s exhausting and has hurt relationships.

Then mother whines and cries that the family won’t all get together. It’s like she wants to create division and then force us all together after creating that division.

When I mentioned this to a friend, she asked why my mother would want to do that. I realized they had no understanding of narcissists or those with borderline and I vowed never to speak of this again to a friend without a mentally ill parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I can relate.

I just tell people to their faces my mother is awful if I get a guilt trip or a comment about how I should be doing more. I have zero shame. I did nothing wrong and I don’t need to pretend. If people ask questions I answer them and if people say things to me that indicate they are clueless about how some parent-child relationships can be, I fill them in matter of fact. If they don’t like hearing it, oh well. Guess you shouldn’t have started the conversation.

I’m not uncomfortable with it. Genuinely. You shouldn’t be either. You have nothing to hide and covering for people and keeping things stuffed inside is toxic and makes you feel shame that you shouldn’t carry.

I love this. Thank you. I wish I could say, “well my mom was kind of a crappy mom to be and often ignored me. I read all the time even at dinner to have some company (only child). I was emotionally neglected from a young age and moreso once I was a teen. All I wanted was a family to love me. Now I have created that for myself and my mother who has dementia is still so mean to me. I don’t want to talk to her as I kind of hate her but it’s my mother so I can’t really say that. Does that answer your question?”

I just saw a social media post that suggested those of us who read a lot as children may have been dissociating from a bad situation.

People replied with astonishment— they never had viewed their constant reading that way but the idea felt accurate to them.

Maybe this will ring true or not but I wanted to share because I found that notion helpful.