Reply to Elders sometimes become abusive toward those they were closest to, so please don't insert yourself

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[quote=Anonymous]I feel like I’m looking into a crystal ball by reading your story, OP, but diffracted; Mother becoming more “difficult” (I’m so used to using protective, couching language I can’t even put more than this into words) as she maybe starts to slide into dementia, and Father who can suddenly be so snarling and hurtful, but just to Mother and me—the epitome of self-controlled, effortless, charming politeness to everyone else, so admired for his uniqueness (which is true)—and it’s getting worse these days. And again, I know I sound contrived and overly vague but I’m just not capable of writing any even remotely identifying detail on here, even though the likelihood of his being identified here is so slim. One amazing unexpected benefit when my husband came on the scene, was that my father has always been perfectly behaved around him, although there is a language difference so already there have been situations where he will only explain part of a dynamic in English when my husband is present, leaving it to me to be burdened with the rest.

We all live very far apart, and the distance makes me feel so much anxiety and guilt, but is also so good for me and my sanity, and maybe for all of us. In short chunks we can perform who we wish we were to each other, and pretend that is really who and how we are to each other.

But then after a while, I get convinced by this untruth and forget the reality, and wake up in the middle of the night with chest pain and crippling anxiety and guilt about being such an awful ungrateful daughter, which is offset next time I see them and they act insufferable, and my expectations reset and my guilt over mostly abandoning them is replaced by grief over the loss of the ideal and my inability to be what I wish I could be to them, and the cycle repeats. [/quote]

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