Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

Op you don’t want to live with regrets- especially since you don’t know how long it’ll take- plenty of folks have fertility problems in their early 30s.

I would give him ultimatum or a certain time to decide. If you want kids you don’t want to wait.

Best of luck!!!

[Anonymous]

I wish we wouldn't be so hard on people who are not 100% on board with having children. It is a big decision and an even bigger commitment! Not everyone is like OP and wanted to be parents their whole lives. Her husband's willingness to communicate with her about his doubts and fears is a good thing - shows that he's honest and not afraid of being vulnerable.

I'm in my early 30s as well and share many of his misgivings. I would be devastated if instead of talking these through, my DH issues ultimatums and makes me feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Could you find some friends or neighbors to hang with frequently who have little kids or babies and are making it look doable and fun? He needs some role models.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I don't want kids so I understand how he feels. But it's so shi**y to put a thirty something woman in this position. I am a woman and I was always upfront with men I dated that I wanted to get married but probably didn't want kids and they needed to be ok with that. I wasted several years of my thirties dating two different men who claimed they were fine with that and then broke up with me claiming they wanted kids.

Anyway. Some people are ok with having kids or not having kids. Some are not. It sounds like you want kids and are not in the "either way is fine" camp. In that case, I would probably give him a few months to mull this over and if he doesnt want kids, I would start considering divorce. You could also consider freezing your eggs.

Ask yourself, if you find yourself 45 and divorced and widowed, are you going to be ok with the fact you dont have kids?

Especially if he then remarries a younger woman and starts a family. As it is he's making a permanent decision for her without really sacrificing anything himself.

this kind of sh1t happens all the time.

If you guys talked about having kids before you got married, and now he's hesitant (which I can totally understand the fear), then it's also not fair to you. I (the wife) was a fence sitter myself about having kids, as was DH. So, we both agreed to try, and either situation of me getting pregnant or not would be fine. I gave myself a year. I got pregnant within 3 months.

I knew a guy who said he wasn't crazy about the idea of having kids, but he knew his wife always wanted them, and that she'd leave him if he said no kids. They have two kids now in college, and they are still married (as far as I know.. haven't spoken to them in a while).

Whatever decision your DH makes, he'd better own up to it. If you guys end up having kids, he should be the best parent he can be, and not blame you for his life changing. It's not like you put a gun to his head or raped him.

My DH is a good dad, but when I wanted DC#2, he was hesitant. He gave in, and when I got pregnant (after 4 months), he was not happy. I said to him, "WTF.. you weren't unhappy when you were making the baby." He said, "I didn't think you'd get pregnant". WTF... I got pregnant in 3 months with DC#1. What on earth made you think I wouldn't get pregnant easily with dC#2? He didn't want our finances to take a hit with a second child. It's not like we were poor. We were (still) making a UMC HHI.

I was very upset with him for a very long time.

DC#2 is 15 now, and DH is a great dad.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DH who got married and never thought about having kids, but when DW wanted them I went along without really thinking about it. They are the best thing ever, love being a dad, though it is probably taking years off my life (the working parent shuffle kind sucks).

I am seething at OP's DH, like viscerally anger seeing red.

He doesn't love you OP.

No real man would ever share his "vulnerable thoughts" and cop out of giving his DW something she desperately wanted and even talked about before marriage. And I'm the most EMO dad in the world, but that's the deal for men -- women are built to have children, we can't understand it, we support them in what they decide to do. Full stop. He should have never even told you his fears, let alone delayed as much as he already has. 4 years to get married. 2 years of dawdling and then saying "no kids"? WTAF!!!

I am beyond angry and sad for you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we wouldn't be so hard on people who are not 100% on board with having children. It is a big decision and an even bigger commitment! Not everyone is like OP and wanted to be parents their whole lives. Her husband's willingness to communicate with her about his doubts and fears is a good thing - shows that he's honest and not afraid of being vulnerable.

I'm in my early 30s as well and share many of his misgivings. I would be devastated if instead of talking these through, my DH issues ultimatums and makes me feel bad.

No one here is being hard on people who don't want to have kids. They are being hard on a guy who dated and married a woman who was up front about wanting kids while saying he wanted kids himself only to back out when she's married in her 30s.

I think the responses would be different if it seemed like he was trying to get to a yes, whereas instead it just seems like he's decided he doesn't want them. Guys SHOULD be more honest with themselves earlier because this timing is very difficult for OP to overcome and was really unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we wouldn't be so hard on people who are not 100% on board with having children. It is a big decision and an even bigger commitment! Not everyone is like OP and wanted to be parents their whole lives. Her husband's willingness to communicate with her about his doubts and fears is a good thing - shows that he's honest and not afraid of being vulnerable.

I'm in my early 30s as well and share many of his misgivings. I would be devastated if instead of talking these through, my DH issues ultimatums and makes me feel bad.

ok, but there is such a thing as a biological clock for women. What should OP do if she wants kids?

Men have it easier in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH who got married and never thought about having kids, but when DW wanted them I went along without really thinking about it. They are the best thing ever, love being a dad, though it is probably taking years off my life (the working parent shuffle kind sucks).

I am seething at OP's DH, like viscerally anger seeing red.

He doesn't love you OP.

No real man would ever share his "vulnerable thoughts" and cop out of giving his DW something she desperately wanted and even talked about before marriage. And I'm the most EMO dad in the world, but that's the deal for men -- women are built to have children, we can't understand it, we support them in what they decide to do. Full stop. He should have never even told you his fears, let alone delayed as much as he already has. 4 years to get married. 2 years of dawdling and then saying "no kids"? WTAF!!!

I am beyond angry and sad for you OP.

My DH would have written this. He is the most amazing dad!

I don't mince my words, however. I told him point blank that no kids, no marriage.

You have to be very upfront and direct about what you want before marrying someone. If you were upfront and he pulled this crap, he is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Freeze your eggs. Get an individual therapist. Start your individual therapy to help you decide/plan what you want and how to communicate it.

I would let him know that you have frozen your eggs, that you have always been really clear that you want to have kids, that you are grateful he has shared his worries and thoughts with you, and that you will be taking the next 6 months or so to think about your own needs and choices.

FWIW, I would also see an attorney to understand about how to file for divorce, costs, asset split, etc. If you end the relationship because he decided that he now doesn’t want kids, I would ask him to agree to your divorce settlement offer so as to minimize legal costs.

I would also see a financial advisor and start thinking about getting yourself in a financial position to afford being a single Mom if that is something you would consider several years down tbe road if you are not able to re-partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we wouldn't be so hard on people who are not 100% on board with having children. It is a big decision and an even bigger commitment! Not everyone is like OP and wanted to be parents their whole lives. Her husband's willingness to communicate with her about his doubts and fears is a good thing - shows that he's honest and not afraid of being vulnerable.

I'm in my early 30s as well and share many of his misgivings. I would be devastated if instead of talking these through, my DH issues ultimatums and makes me feel bad.

The ultimatum is only if he’s doing a 180 and now saying he doesn’t want kids. He needs to figure out if he’s a yes or a no on parenthood before they can address any other issues. He needs to commit one way or the other.

My husband was always in the yes camp. He definitely wanted kids, but when I was ready to start trying, he had some fears about the logistics. I told him to take the time that he needed to be ready, but to keep in mind that every year we delayed having kids was one less year our kids would know their grandparents. Within a few months, he was very agreeable to a one year plan. We spent a year preparing — we attended a “So you’re thinking about having a baby” talk at a local hospital, we moved to a more family friendly area, and we basically had the mindset that there was a definitive timeline for TTC. Turns out, we were infertile and didn’t become parents until almost 4 years after we started trying. Had we waited a few more years to start trying, biological children might not have been a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is just me, but what about being more assertive? Just say “I never would have married you if I knew you didn’t want kids. I get that you’re hesistant but you need to get over it.”

This.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When I had kids 15 years ago, there were no mommy or daddy blogs or podcasts, so I thought you had kids, stuck them in daycare, maybe had dinner and that was it.

Sorry, but this simply isn't true. I have a 17 yo and there were a plethora of mommy blogs (dooce was launched in 2001), plus UrbanBaby (1999) and the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Freeze your eggs. Get an individual therapist. Start your individual therapy to help you decide/plan what you want and how to communicate it.

I would let him know that you have frozen your eggs, that you have always been really clear that you want to have kids, that you are grateful he has shared his worries and thoughts with you, and that you will be taking the next 6 months or so to think about your own needs and choices.

FWIW, I would also see an attorney to understand about how to file for divorce, costs, asset split, etc. If you end the relationship because he decided that he now doesn’t want kids, I would ask him to agree to your divorce settlement offer so as to minimize legal costs.

I would also see a financial advisor and start thinking about getting yourself in a financial position to afford being a single Mom if that is something you would consider several years down tbe road if you are not able to re-partner.

This is all really good advice.

I'm sorry OP.

Him getting all emo seems manipulative to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

OP you definitely don't win by not being honest with him. It isn't sustainable and not a reasonable approach to say I don't want to tell him how deeply upset I am about this HUGE life decision, because it might convince him the other way. it is only fair to him to know how you feel.

That is marriage. We do things that we feel worried about, for our spouse, and we do it together and make it through. My husband was hesitant about a second. I felt strongly. I didn't push him, I listened, but I shared that for me it was deeply wanted. He decided that having a second was more important to me, than not having a second was for him. It wasn't ideal. Do I wish we were 100% on the same page and he was like yes this is what I want 100%. But that wasn't our reality. I don't mean to make light of this, this took many conversations and really listening to each other, thinking about options. We have two kids now, who we love dearly.

If my husband married someone else who was one and done - he would probably live a one kid life. And even having a second who he loves immensely, I think he would still choose the one child route if his life had a different track married to a different human. But with the person he IS married to, it was the right call for your family and he is happy we went forward (we discussed this recently). If I married someone else, I'd probably live on a farm with 3 kids. But I married him! So I have two kids and live in the suburbs where he is comfortable We make all sorts of decisions together, not all of them exactly what we would want on our own.

You absolutely have to tell him how you feel. And you have to work through this together. It's ok that he's scared. Most people are. And having kids is dang hard. But one person deeply wanting kids and not sharing that with their spouse who originally said they were interested, and is now having cold feet, can't end happily.