Reply to Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one.  Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations. 
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OP you definitely don't win by not being honest with him. It isn't sustainable and not a reasonable approach to say I don't want to tell him how deeply upset I am about this HUGE life decision, because it might convince him the other way. it is only fair to him to know how you feel.

That is marriage. We do things that we feel worried about, for our spouse, and we do it together and make it through. My husband was hesitant about a second. I felt strongly. I didn't push him, I listened, but I shared that for me it was deeply wanted. He decided that having a second was more important to me, than not having a second was for him. It wasn't ideal. Do I wish we were 100% on the same page and he was like yes this is what I want 100%. But that wasn't our reality. I don't mean to make light of this, this took many conversations and really listening to each other, thinking about options. We have two kids now, who we love dearly.

If my husband married someone else who was one and done - he would probably live a one kid life. And even having a second who he loves immensely, I think he would still choose the one child route if his life had a different track married to a different human. But with the person he IS married to, it was the right call for your family and he is happy we went forward (we discussed this recently). If I married someone else, I'd probably live on a farm with 3 kids. But I married him! So I have two kids and live in the suburbs where he is comfortable :) We make all sorts of decisions together, not all of them exactly what we would want on our own.

You absolutely have to tell him how you feel. And you have to work through this together. It's ok that he's scared. Most people are. And having kids is dang hard. But one person deeply wanting kids and not sharing that with their spouse who originally said they were interested, and is now having cold feet, can't end happily.[/quote]

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