Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

I mean, no. DH was more hesitant than me about becoming parents (always willing to push it back one more year or one more big trip) and he's 100% obsessed with DD now. He was smitten from birth and is an amazing, hands on dad.

You are saying that your DH is "not sure" but reacting as if he's 100% no, and not just no but he'll hold it against you if he has to compromise his no. Both of these positions cannot be true. If he's 100% no: get divorced. If he's not sure, you cannot treat having conversations as you steamrolling him. His feelings are valid, BUT SO ARE YOURS. Stop acting like the fact that you feel differently is some kind of abuse you're subjecting him to, especially since he lied to you and said he wanted kids to get you to commit to a life with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

The only thing you are certain of is what you want.

And you want this big time. You make that clear. If he says he got it and is willing to start trying ASAP, you believe him and you start trying. That's how life works. You are not a mind reader. You take your spouse at their word. If you cannot do that, the marriage is doomed, because compromise will always need to happen.

You give him the ultimatum. He accepts it and you have a baby together. He rejects it or asks you to wait, you divorce. He wiggles a little bit, you divorce. You are not begging someone to have a kid with you. You'd rather have one by yourself than beg someone to have one with you.

[Anonymous]

one last thing - the "I just want him to WANT to build a family with me." I totally hear this - I felt similarly about wanting my husband to love fatherhood so much that of course he would want to have a second. You have to let go of that and realize it is about fear and not you. But it doesn't mean that he can't be a loving father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

1. He knew going into this marriage that you wanted to children. That matters here.
2. A LOT of people, including women, voice a lot of the same fears that he is, but go on to be loving and wonderful parents.
3. I’d rather hold him to his commitment to your marriage which included the idea of children, and have children with him while you are still biologically able to, than roll the dice and divorce and hope you can find and marry a quality guy in the next few years to try again with someone else.

He is welcome to divorce you if he feels strongly that he doesn’t want kids.

For me, this would be a complete deal breaker, and I strongly value the sanctity of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

1. He knew going into this marriage that you wanted to children. That matters here.
2. A LOT of people, including women, voice a lot of the same fears that he is, but go on to be loving and wonderful parents.
3. I’d rather hold him to his commitment to your marriage which included the idea of children, and have children with him while you are still biologically able to, than roll the dice and divorce and hope you can find and marry a quality guy in the next few years to try again with someone else.

He is welcome to divorce you if he feels strongly that he doesn’t want kids.

For me, this would be a complete deal breaker, and I strongly value the sanctity of marriage.

+1 to all of this. This was communicated early on OP, he knows you wanted this and it frankly, isn't something you can just completely go back on because you are a little scared to lose your independence. Most parents are worried about that, and go on to be loving and involved parents. It's ok to be scared, but not to the point that it completely changes all of your plans. It is a dealbreaker for many and you will have to communicate that in some way unless you TRULY can live with this which it doesn't sound like you could (I couldn't). Otherwise you will just be resentful the next 5 years and then end up divorced anyway because you've kept your feelings bottled up and you feel let down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

OP you definitely don't win by not being honest with him. It isn't sustainable and not a reasonable approach to say I don't want to tell him how deeply upset I am about this HUGE life decision, because it might convince him the other way. it is only fair to him to know how you feel.

That is marriage. We do things that we feel worried about, for our spouse, and we do it together and make it through. My husband was hesitant about a second. I felt strongly. I didn't push him, I listened, but I shared that for me it was deeply wanted. He decided that having a second was more important to me, than not having a second was for him. It wasn't ideal. Do I wish we were 100% on the same page and he was like yes this is what I want 100%. But that wasn't our reality. I don't mean to make light of this, this took many conversations and really listening to each other, thinking about options. We have two kids now, who we love dearly.

If my husband married someone else who was one and done - he would probably live a one kid life. And even having a second who he loves immensely, I think he would still choose the one child route if his life had a different track married to a different human. But with the person he IS married to, it was the right call for your family and he is happy we went forward (we discussed this recently). If I married someone else, I'd probably live on a farm with 3 kids. But I married him! So I have two kids and live in the suburbs where he is comfortable We make all sorts of decisions together, not all of them exactly what we would want on our own.

You absolutely have to tell him how you feel. And you have to work through this together. It's ok that he's scared. Most people are. And having kids is dang hard. But one person deeply wanting kids and not sharing that with their spouse who originally said they were interested, and is now having cold feet, can't end happily.

Well stated, PP.

The bolded is the decision your DH has to make.

Is having a child more important to you than not having one is to him? There are no right or wrong answers. Only deal breakers.

This is how marriage works sometimes, even though this decision for a first child should have been clearly made before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

I mean, no. DH was more hesitant than me about becoming parents (always willing to push it back one more year or one more big trip) and he's 100% obsessed with DD now. He was smitten from birth and is an amazing, hands on dad.

You are saying that your DH is "not sure" but reacting as if he's 100% no, and not just no but he'll hold it against you if he has to compromise his no. Both of these positions cannot be true. If he's 100% no: get divorced. If he's not sure, you cannot treat having conversations as you steamrolling him. His feelings are valid, BUT SO ARE YOURS. Stop acting like the fact that you feel differently is some kind of abuse you're subjecting him to, especially since he lied to you and said he wanted kids to get you to commit to a life with him.

I agree. I also noted the OP’s statement that he would do “literally anything” not to lose her. There’s a weird codependence there, like his feelings are the real ones and hers are not; and she has to oblige him. I feel like this man may be selfish - being desperate to keep her may be for his own good, not because he wants what’s best for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

I mean, no. DH was more hesitant than me about becoming parents (always willing to push it back one more year or one more big trip) and he's 100% obsessed with DD now. He was smitten from birth and is an amazing, hands on dad.

You are saying that your DH is "not sure" but reacting as if he's 100% no, and not just no but he'll hold it against you if he has to compromise his no. Both of these positions cannot be true. If he's 100% no: get divorced. If he's not sure, you cannot treat having conversations as you steamrolling him. His feelings are valid, BUT SO ARE YOURS. Stop acting like the fact that you feel differently is some kind of abuse you're subjecting him to, especially since he lied to you and said he wanted kids to get you to commit to a life with him.

I agree. I also noted the OP’s statement that he would do “literally anything” not to lose her. There’s a weird codependence there, like his feelings are the real ones and hers are not; and she has to oblige him. I feel like this man may be selfish - being desperate to keep her may be for his own good, not because he wants what’s best for her.

Or OP is not selfish enough. You need a good balance of selfishness and selflessness to make a marriage work.

Without it, one person just becomes a doormat, sacrificing everything big and small.

[Anonymous]

OP are you willing to be the primary parent?

Here’s how I look at it.

You can divorce. Take the chance of finding another partner in time. Chances are you could. You could also be a single parent with a sperm donor if time runs out.

You don’t divorce. Tell your husband you must have kids. Be aggressive about trying to get pregnant and just live w the fact that he might not be into it. If he divorces you, you end up being a single parent.

The big thing you need to do to move on is mourn. Mourn what you thought you had — a life partner to start a family with. Come to terms with the other options. They may not be so bad if you embrace them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the many kind replies.

My husband loves me and I’m certain that if I gave him an ultimatum or even just voiced my fears directly that he would give me what I want and agree to try. I know he would do that. He would do anything, literally anything, not to lose me.

But we both lose if I do that, don’t we? I guess I get the kid (maybe), but I have a co parent who doesn’t really want to be one. Or we spend years trying and my heart breaks as we do and all the while my husband secretly holds his breath and feels relief with every "not pregnant" test result or miscarriage. I think that would kill me. I just want him to want to build a family with me.

I guess I could take the gamble that once we have the baby and it’s real that he’ll fall in love with our child and be excited about fatherhood. That’s a hell of a risk though.

He has one close friend and one brother who have young kids. I don’t think proximity to them has helped or will help. The brother’s kids have varying degrees of scary health situations resulting from premature births. The kids are okay but my brother in law and his wife have really been through it. I’m sure that contributes to my husband’s hesitations.

OP you are missing a key component. The bolded you correctly identify as a potential bad outcome because it involves festering resentment. But the only outcome you did not talk in detail about above is what happens if you stay married and never try for children. That will ALSO result in resentment. Forcing yourself to sacrifice something of this import, against your will, will breed resentment.

You want him to be the person you thought you were marrying. If he doesn't want to have kids he is not that. But there is no putting this toothpaste back in the tube, you can't forget you wanted to be a mom. You don't talk about this outcome because I imagine it is one you think you can control, but if you squashed this down and became a less happy and less loving wife because of it, even incrementally, you would be depriving him of the opportunity to make choices about his own life. Him choosing to become a parent somewhat begrudgingly because he loves you so much that keeping you happy is important enough for him to take a leap, that is a choice he is entitled to make with his eyes wide open.

I think you are seeing the martyr path as the 'right' path because its the hardest for you and the easiest for everyone else. And I'm not saying that critically really I think women are trained to do that. But you deprive yourself, your husband and any of your future children the opportunity of fully living and choosing their own paths by choosing that road.

[Anonymous]

Move to a cheaper city. What does he actually like about this area? You can find it somewhere else in the states or world for cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Definitely tell him that motherhood is a non-negotiable for you and you hope he's the father but if that's not what he sees in his life, this really can't continue.

I'm someone who has always wanted kids, and it is hard for me to understand "fence sitters" even though I know many people feel this way. I have to assume the same is true in reverse. Maybe he really doesn't get how important this is to you.

When I read your post, it really sounds to me like he's gotten cold feet, not necessarily that he's moved into the No camp (or was always there). I think that's normal, and healthy, because becoming a parent is a big deal and you should have a sense of what you're getting yourself into.

A point he should consider if he's worried about having kids because he loves your current life is that life will always change. You can't stop it. You've got to think about what you want life to look like in the future, not compare it to what life looks like now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely tell him that motherhood is a non-negotiable for you and you hope he's the father but if that's not what he sees in his life, this really can't continue.

I'm someone who has always wanted kids, and it is hard for me to understand "fence sitters" even though I know many people feel this way. I have to assume the same is true in reverse. Maybe he really doesn't get how important this is to you.

When I read your post, it really sounds to me like he's gotten cold feet, not necessarily that he's moved into the No camp (or was always there). I think that's normal, and healthy, because becoming a parent is a big deal and you should have a sense of what you're getting yourself into.

A point he should consider if he's worried about having kids because he loves your current life is that life will always change. You can't stop it. You've got to think about what you want life to look like in the future, not compare it to what life looks like now.

Oh, and I forgot, go to your OBGYN and get a fertility workup. Statistically speaking you're probably fine, but fertility issues pop up at all ages and it would be good for you to know if you have any obvious hurdles ahead.

[Anonymous]

There was a post in a similar thread by a woman who told her H she was going to have somebody's baby in the next year and that she sure hoped it would be with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move to a cheaper city. What does he actually like about this area? You can find it somewhere else in the states or world for cheaper.

I also recommend moving to a cheaper city so that you can do most of the parenting which is sounds like is what will happen anyway and also so that you can enjoy parenting. You really want a child and it's just more fun if you aren't stressing about payments all the time and actually have time to raise your children.