Reply to DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

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Reply to "DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A start is that you need to acknowledge her independence (even if she's not fully financially independent, it sounds like she is very independent in other ways) and build a relationship as adults.  Don't try to mother her.  Support her.  Encourage her.  Be a source of stability.  Try to find things you enjoy doing together.  Don't try to control her with money or rules.  She'll just cut you off.

I cut my parents off emotionally when I went to college.  They weren't supportive of me and tried again and again to cut me down.  I was done.  We went many years with minimal contact.

When I was ready to have kids I slowly reestablished the relationship so my kids could have grandparents in their lives.  It was okay for a while, but there would be slip after slip where they were cruel to me. I did my best to keep reasonable boundaries to protect myself, while still being kind.  It came to a head this past Thanksgiving and our relationship has ended.  My kids still call them sometimes, but I'm done.  My parents don't love me the way I deserve to be loved.  That hurts a ton, but I don't need to keep putting myself out there and being reminded of it.  That's even worse.[/quote]

I could have written this, but I'm still in the toughing it out for the kids phase. The big question for OP, and for anyone in this situation, is to ask whether they can understand what the problem is from their child's side. My dad will never be able to understand this. My mom can understand but can't change, and also just wants absolution for what they did wrong (which I can't give her -- forgiveness, sure, absolution... I'm not god).

In my experience, the harder parents want to push back against the idea that they did anything to contribute to the problem, the more likely the adult child is to just withdraw and move on, because the only thing the relationship holds is constant gaslighting and conflict. If every time your DD sees you or her dad, OP, she feels she is being asked to change her mind, "let it go", or otherwise deny or not acknowledge what she has experienced in your relationship, then she will choose to see you less and less. If you can find a way to at least acknowledge the problems and tell her that she has some reason to feel as she does, it will go a long way towards making it possible for her to find a place for you in her life. [/quote]

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