MIL is asking for money...

[Anonymous]

The most important thing is for you and your husband to come to a common understanding about what you are prepared to do, and what you are not.

This is the kind of thing that can put a lot of pressure on, or even destroy, a marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your husband absolutely not. You have warned him many times and he didn't take it seriously. Tell him you are unwilling to give even ONE DOLLAR without her making lifestyle change. If he's upset, tell him you love him and propose seeing a financial counselor.

Meanwhile (and you should have been doing this long ago, since you're the one with your eyes open), tie up your money. Increase your withholding. Start shoveling money into the 529 and the retirement plans so that it's not available. Pay off whatever debts you can (car, student loan). Do some household projects. Basically try to put everything out of reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most important thing is for you and your husband to come to a common understanding about what you are prepared to do, and what you are not.

This is the kind of thing that can put a lot of pressure on, or even destroy, a marriage.

+1

Do NOT make this about the $10k. That's the tip of the iceberg. You need to decide as a couple, NOW, what your limits/plans are here. So - if you give her the $10k and tell her to lower her spending, what do you do when she comes back next month/year and asks for another $10k? Is it just a flat no? What about when it's, "send me $10k or I'm about to be evicted?" Or when she's had a serious health issue and can't live independently and has no money?

There's a lot of ways to do this (annual limit, the $10k and then nothing else until she's infirm, a certain dollar figure per month direct to key bills, 30% of appropriate housing for her only, requiring specific changes like she sells the car and you'll buy her a cheap used car and give her $5k, there's a ton of options) but what you DON'T want to do is set your marriage up to fight about this every time she asks for money for the next 15 years.

[Anonymous]

OP how do you normally decide about spending money on things you disagree about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most important thing is for you and your husband to come to a common understanding about what you are prepared to do, and what you are not.

This is the kind of thing that can put a lot of pressure on, or even destroy, a marriage.

+1

Do NOT make this about the $10k. That's the tip of the iceberg. You need to decide as a couple, NOW, what your limits/plans are here. So - if you give her the $10k and tell her to lower her spending, what do you do when she comes back next month/year and asks for another $10k? Is it just a flat no? What about when it's, "send me $10k or I'm about to be evicted?" Or when she's had a serious health issue and can't live independently and has no money?

There's a lot of ways to do this (annual limit, the $10k and then nothing else until she's infirm, a certain dollar figure per month direct to key bills, 30% of appropriate housing for her only, requiring specific changes like she sells the car and you'll buy her a cheap used car and give her $5k, there's a ton of options) but what you DON'T want to do is set your marriage up to fight about this every time she asks for money for the next 15 years.

This. Do NOT set the precedent of giving her money with no real change. The time to draw a line is now. If you let him have money even once, you're setting a bad precedent and teaching him that you'll cave.

She's going to need way more money when she's older and less able to care for herself. Her care will be much more expensive. Ask your DH what his plan is to afford that. Dig. In. Your. Heels. Brick wall of no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job? If yes, why don’t you each pitch in each month to pay the bills and spend the rest as you see fit. If not, I am sorry but either you suffer in silence or try to persuade your DH to not give the money (I don’t think you will succeed).

What the what? I don't understand this post at all. Are you suggesting that OP and her DH should take on the burden of the MIL's bills as well as their own? An additional $3000 a month just in rent? When OP and DH need to save for their own retirement and their own kids' education?

And no, no suffering in silence. This is not a "DH gets to decide" issue. OP and DH are a unit and the money they have coming in should be spent on what they jointly decide to spend it on. OP should absolutely have a discussion with DH, but it's not about persuading him, it's about coming to a joint decision on what's right for their family.

OP, what I don't understand is your DH's relationship with his siblings. Are they so distant that they haven't been telling him about how much money they've been giving your MIL? I hope their position is not "now it's our brother's turn" and that causes a family rift, but if it comes to that, so be it, because these discussions should have been happening a decade ago. Your DH isn't obligated to step up to the plate because his siblings were financially enabling their mom to live far beyond her means for a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.

Yes but it's also a set amount. $10k will cover many years of a cell phone bill. Writing huge checks is a way worse idea. If the siblings have already helped out, I'd take over a few bills and then keep the door open for discussing living within her means. If she refuses, well ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.

Yes but it's also a set amount. $10k will cover many years of a cell phone bill. Writing huge checks is a way worse idea. If the siblings have already helped out, I'd take over a few bills and then keep the door open for discussing living within her means. If she refuses, well ok.

I would put $5K in an account, auto-bill the cell phone from it, and refuse to do any more until she downgrades her lifestyle.

If the siblings were throwing money into this gravitational black hole, that's their misfortune.

[Anonymous]

I’d buy a life insurance policy on the mother equal to what you spend. Really no other way to get anything back since she’s a renter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

This. And for the people saying it's enabling - yes it is, but you also make sure that certain necessities are covered - like utilities and food. It's more for your own conscience than to make real change. People with family like this know that they are not going to change.

But then when the time comes and you look back, you can say to yourself "Despite all the drama and guilt trips and gaslighting, I made sure their lights stayed on and they had enough to eat." Sometimes that's the best you can do.

[Anonymous]

I'd start by asking her what exactly she needs the $10K for. DH needs to call a family meeting to sit down and go through her budget. Hell, I'd start canceling cable and put her on a different phone plan. The DILs need to get together and shut this nonsense down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d buy a life insurance policy on the mother equal to what you spend. Really no other way to get anything back since she’s a renter.

Life insurance on an 85 year old? It would cost more then $10K a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job? If yes, why don’t you each pitch in each month to pay the bills and spend the rest as you see fit. If not, I am sorry but either you suffer in silence or try to persuade your DH to not give the money (I don’t think you will succeed).

What the what? I don't understand this post at all. Are you suggesting that OP and her DH should take on the burden of the MIL's bills as well as their own? An additional $3000 a month just in rent? When OP and DH need to save for their own retirement and their own kids' education?

And no, no suffering in silence. This is not a "DH gets to decide" issue. OP and DH are a unit and the money they have coming in should be spent on what they jointly decide to spend it on. OP should absolutely have a discussion with DH, but it's not about persuading him, it's about coming to a joint decision on what's right for their family.

OP, what I don't understand is your DH's relationship with his siblings. Are they so distant that they haven't been telling him about how much money they've been giving your MIL? I hope their position is not "now it's our brother's turn" and that causes a family rift, but if it comes to that, so be it, because these discussions should have been happening a decade ago. Your DH isn't obligated to step up to the plate because his siblings were financially enabling their mom to live far beyond her means for a decade.

DP. I assumed the PP you quoted meant to change the way they do their finances to where they both contribute to an account that pays their own bills (whatever those are defined as) and then whatever each has left over is theirs to spend as they want. Then if her husband wants to give all of his discretionary money to his mom, fine. It doesn't affect her or the household, just him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.

This money should be saved for op's kids. I'm disgusted by an adult stealing from children.

[Anonymous]

My husband will pay a specific bill, like electric or medical bills. But we do not give cash out.

My brother in laws also pay bills. One pays water, the other pays cellphone.