MIL is asking for money...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.

If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.

If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.

Well I am already telling my 13 yo DS that yes, he will be expected to help me out when he grows up and gets a job. I think it’s fair. If he ever has a wife she should get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most important thing is for you and your husband to come to a common understanding about what you are prepared to do, and what you are not.

This is the kind of thing that can put a lot of pressure on, or even destroy, a marriage.

This.

Signed,
Someone who's been there

P.S. I guarantee you this won't be the last ask. Her patterns won't change as long as she's being enabled by family that will send her money. In our experience, the only thing that had any impact on the spending patterns was when every source of enabling income/loans dried up. Good luck- it's not an easy place to be with an aging parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Meanwhile (and you should have been doing this long ago, since you're the one with your eyes open), tie up your money. Increase your withholding. Start shoveling money into the 529 and the retirement plans so that it's not available. Pay off whatever debts you can (car, student loan). Do some household projects. Basically try to put everything out of reach.

This is actually great advice.
This is how my SIL prevents my brother from helping our aging dad btw. Smart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job? If yes, why don’t you each pitch in each month to pay the bills and spend the rest as you see fit. If not, I am sorry but either you suffer in silence or try to persuade your DH to not give the money (I don’t think you will succeed).

What the what? I don't understand this post at all. Are you suggesting that OP and her DH should take on the burden of the MIL's bills as well as their own? An additional $3000 a month just in rent? When OP and DH need to save for their own retirement and their own kids' education?

And no, no suffering in silence. This is not a "DH gets to decide" issue. OP and DH are a unit and the money they have coming in should be spent on what they jointly decide to spend it on. OP should absolutely have a discussion with DH, but it's not about persuading him, it's about coming to a joint decision on what's right for their family.

OP, what I don't understand is your DH's relationship with his siblings. Are they so distant that they haven't been telling him about how much money they've been giving your MIL? I hope their position is not "now it's our brother's turn" and that causes a family rift, but if it comes to that, so be it, because these discussions should have been happening a decade ago. Your DH isn't obligated to step up to the plate because his siblings were financially enabling their mom to live far beyond her means for a decade.

If she isn’t working her day isn’t worth much, unless her H is ok with what she says. It’s just life. Not saying it’s good but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

This. And for the people saying it's enabling - yes it is, but you also make sure that certain necessities are covered - like utilities and food. It's more for your own conscience than to make real change. People with family like this know that they are not going to change.

But then when the time comes and you look back, you can say to yourself "Despite all the drama and guilt trips and gaslighting, I made sure their lights stayed on and they had enough to eat." Sometimes that's the best you can do.

Entitled grandma has enough to keep the lights on and food in her fridge. She just wants champagne and caviar when she wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.

If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.

If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.

Well I am already telling my 13 yo DS that yes, he will be expected to help me out when he grows up and gets a job. I think it’s fair. If he ever has a wife she should get used to it.

What a horrible mother you are. You know this will cause problems for your kids marriage but it's all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.

This money should be saved for op's kids. I'm disgusted by an adult stealing from children.

Most American kids have more than enough already. It’s more than fair to set a certain monthly amount aside to help the parent.
Not saying it should be large or that this lady is a great spender, but in general

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.

If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.

If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.

Well I am already telling my 13 yo DS that yes, he will be expected to help me out when he grows up and gets a job. I think it’s fair. If he ever has a wife she should get used to it.

What a horrible mother you are. You know this will cause problems for your kids marriage but it's all about you.

Depends on what kind of person his wife is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.

This money should be saved for op's kids. I'm disgusted by an adult stealing from children.

Most American kids have more than enough already. It’s more than fair to set a certain monthly amount aside to help the parent.
Not saying it should be large or that this lady is a great spender, but in general

BS. Tell us more about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.

This money should be saved for op's kids. I'm disgusted by an adult stealing from children.

Most American kids have more than enough already. It’s more than fair to set a certain monthly amount aside to help the parent.
Not saying it should be large or that this lady is a great spender, but in general

BS. Tell us more about yourself.

What do you want to know?
Your kids don’t need a large house. They do need money for college I won’t argue with that.

[Anonymous]

Is she using credit cards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.

If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.

If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.

Can you do an AMA? I have so many questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.

If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.

If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.

Well I am already telling my 13 yo DS that yes, he will be expected to help me out when he grows up and gets a job. I think it’s fair. If he ever has a wife she should get used to it.

I know a young man who joined the Air Force when he was old enough and has been happily living on the other side of the world at his duty station with his wife and kids for years and has no plans to come back. If you met his mother you would know why. Think about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.

If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.

If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.

Well I am already telling my 13 yo DS that yes, he will be expected to help me out when he grows up and gets a job. I think it’s fair. If he ever has a wife she should get used to it.

I know a young man who joined the Air Force when he was old enough and has been happily living on the other side of the world at his duty station with his wife and kids for years and has no plans to come back. If you met his mother you would know why. Think about that.

What, did she ask him to help her out in small amounts?

[Anonymous]

Get rid of the car and offer transportation. cancel catalogs going to her house, they may be encouraging bad spending too.