MIL is asking for money...

[Anonymous]

For years I've been waiting for my fiscally-irresponsible mother-in-law to start asking us for money, and that call came today. My father-in-law wasted most of their savings before he died 10 years ago, but MIL wasn't left destitute, and she received about $300,000 from the sale of some property not long after he passed. Since then MIL (age 85, sharp mind and good health) has been renting an overpriced condo in an exclusive retirement community; leasing a new car every couple of years; overpaying for cable TV that she barely watches and a mobile data plan that she doesn't need... She makes no effort to save, and refuses to adjust her lifestyle to match her means. (She receives $3,000/month in social security but spends more than $6,000/month.)

Today she called my husband and asked for $10,000. Apparently my husband's brothers have given her an estimated $200,000 over the last 10 years; this is the first time she's hit us up (that I'm aware of).

I've seen this coming for years and have asked my husband several times to force her to face reality before it becomes a crisis. He says he's raised the issue but she gets defensive and shuts him down. (In my family, this would have been escalated to tough love, but I guess that's just not how his family rolls.)

I wanted to hear from those of you who've been in similar situations and can help me gain some perspective. At the moment I'm feeling unsympathetic and a rather pissed - both at my mother-in-law, and at my husband and his brothers for allowing this to go on for so long. (Not necessarily relevant to the story, but we have a young child, earn a middle-class income, and live very deliberately within our means.)

My husband told his mother that he would get back to her by the end of the week. He's inclined to give her the money while demanding that she take measures to curb her spending. I think she'll agree, take the cash, and never make good on the promise.

Thank you for reading!

[Anonymous]

I think what you expect is the most likely outcome. That's why your H needs to be clear that this is the last time she'll get money from you guys.

[Anonymous]

It's tough OP. I would like give once, with the statement that we could not afford to give again. Encourage her to live within her means. Be prepared to help her relocate to a place she can afford when no one is willing to subsidize.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a job? If yes, why don’t you each pitch in each month to pay the bills and spend the rest as you see fit. If not, I am sorry but either you suffer in silence or try to persuade your DH to not give the money (I don’t think you will succeed).

[Anonymous]

I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.

If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.

If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.

[Anonymous]

What does she want the $10k for?

[Anonymous]

This $10K won’t last long, that will only get some creditors off her back. The brothers need to see all mom’s expenses and figure out a budget to minimize money needed going forward. Are any of the brothers willing to get involved in this long overdue mess?

[Anonymous]

What is your HHI?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:

1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.

2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.

It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.

Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.

If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.

+1. No matter how you split the bills, giving a financially irresponsible person any money for anything is still enabling. Offer to work with her to create a budget and look for assistance. That’s the most loving/supportive thing you could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's tough OP. I would like give once, with the statement that we could not afford to give again. Encourage her to live within her means. Be prepared to help her relocate to a place she can afford when no one is willing to subsidize.

No way. They will "just this once" you again and again. If you give even once you are teaching her that you don't have boundaries and will easily cave to pressure.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she needs to adjust her lifestyle. Could a family member take her in so she’s not paying rent and HHA fees? Leasing cars is good for corporations that can write it off, not so great for individuals. She sounds like a narcissist. How much is going towards clothes and beauty expenses?

[Anonymous]

If she's 85 and in a retirement community, she needs to ditch the car. They likely have a shuttle that will take her to the grocery store/ shopping / lunch places. And 85 is too old to be driving anyways. Sounds like that would free up some cash.

I would make her giving up the car and you both overseeing her finances part of giving her any money. If she doesn't let you guys oversee her finances, she receives no money. DH's siblings need to do this too. Financial irresponsibility is not okay at this age.

[Anonymous]

All of you saying that she needs to move to a cheaper place. ha. No. She's 85. She's more than likely going to have to move into an even more expensive place as her health declines. She should have been saving up for that.