Schadenfreude with my MIL

[Anonymous]

OP, that is so sad about your loss and your IL's callousness toward it. I am sorry for the loss.

OP also did not say that the FIL is dying. A terrible diagnosis could be something that isn't killing the man, but impacting his quality of life dramatically.

I get why you are having those feelings, and it is human and normal to think it (and just not say out loud).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

+1. Schadenfreude is like, she's always rude to everyone and someone finally threw a drink on her. Her husband is dying, someone you liked and your DH's father - don't you care about his feelings? Sorry OP but I can't be with you on this one.

+2. The fact that MIL was insensitive and unkind is unfortunately, but taking pleasure in her husband's (your husband's father) suffering is, in fact, something you should absolutely keep to yourself. You don't need "courage" to be intentionally cruel to your husband's mother at a terrible time.

[Anonymous]

Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that your child passed away. We lost a daughter during infancy and my heart goes out to you.

However, gloating that someone has a terminal illness or a life altering disease is not something kind people do. It’s probably good that your lack of courage is winning out over you feeling brave enough to say cruel things to family members, but the fact that you’re wishing for bravery to be cruel to someone isn’t decent. If their comment affected you that much, you might want to talk to someone about it (maybe a therapist if you’re already in therapy, but also a grief counselor or clergy could be helpful).

Also, assuming your readers are ignorant and don’t know what schadenfreude means makes you seem annoying. Good luck to your husband, who’s likely going to need emotional support while dealing with his father’s illness, and probably won’t get it from his life partner.

Op is not gloating, she held her tongue, as she should, and is only revealing her thoughts here. I can totally understand her bitterness towards people who outright blamed her for the death of her baby, but when confronted about it, refused to apologize. Her reaction is only human.

Op, people blame for many reasons that have nothing to do with the person being blamed. I’m sorry they put you through that- losing a baby is hard enough. I lost a baby to cancer and my mom blamed me too, and it made me angry. Eventually I realized it was just her way of processing such an unfair outcome with her limited understanding.

Ok, maybe gloat is a strong word. But by her own admission, she’s taking pleasure in their pain. She literally defined her feelings and claimed them. She may be holding her tongue, but she’s using her fingers to wish she were bold enough not to hold her tongue. She’s not just hoping they learned from their mistake and that they’ll be kinder, she’s wishing she were enough of a bully to inflict pain by kicking them while they’re down. It’s beyond schadenfreude, it’s wannabe vengeful. Maybe she’s just not handling grief well, which is why I suggested grief counseling or other safe places to talk it out and find better ways to handle things. If her in-laws are truly that bad, she needs to learn better boundaries, in which case therapy can help. But carrying that much anger and wishing you could lash out at people who are sick because they wronged you previously isn’t healthy. I’ve lost a child. I know the feelings. People say dumb stuff that feels like a knife in the heart. It’s okay to drop them, but waiting around for them to experience pain so you can do a happy dance over their misery means you have more healing to do yourself, and there are people who can help with that. If FIL is dying, she needs to prepare herself for what’s coming with her DH, because it’s going to be a strain on them, especially when he starts bending over backwards to help them when they’re too sick or grieving to handle household chores, repairs, meals, and driving to doctor appointments, not to mention wanting to squeeze in all the quality time he can get with his parents together and his dad on their own. It’s about to get harder for OP and her extended family, not easier.

[Anonymous]

OP are you the one whose MiL said the reason you miscarried was because you were too stressed out? If so, that’s a terrible thing to say and I was 100% on your side. But this is not in the same realm and you should be ashamed of yourself. a large minority of women have had miscarriages and many of us had to listen to someone say “did the doctor say why?? Is there anything you can change for next time?? Was it all the running you do?!” And it’s always rude but it’s not the same as saying “ha ha your husband has cancer , serves you right because you told me I was too stressed out that time I miscarried”. Just no.

And if that’s not you then I apologize for missing the mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Nope it wasn't religious, I redirected and corrected my MIL the first time she said it, the second time she said it I explained what the doctors had said was not what she was saying and the 3rd time both her and FIL doubled down on blaming me.

My husband confronted them both and they again double downed that I had "attacked" them. Which there were witnesses to the conversation that confirmed that absolutely did not happen.

It's not a terminal diagnosis and I am absolutely won't say to them what they said to me. I don't say anything to them and I now make 0 effort to see them. My husband is free to do as he wishes and I don't interfere with how he chooses to interact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Something is probably very wrong with me, but this sentence is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

He is disgusted with them. Trust me that even before that conversation he was witness to multiple examples of his Mom attacking me. Including on the days following losing our child. There was no question that it wasn't worth seeing them very often anymore.

When we got married I encouraged us spending more time with his family than he ever had before we were married. It'll now just naturally go back to not seeing them much. Of course, he is free to do as he wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Nope it wasn't religious, I redirected and corrected my MIL the first time she said it, the second time she said it I explained what the doctors had said was not what she was saying and the 3rd time both her and FIL doubled down on blaming me.

My husband confronted them both and they again double downed that I had "attacked" them. Which there were witnesses to the conversation that confirmed that absolutely did not happen.

It's not a terminal diagnosis and I am absolutely won't say to them what they said to me. I don't say anything to them and I now make 0 effort to see them. My husband is free to do as he wishes and I don't interfere with how he chooses to interact with them.

OP, they sound AWFUL. I am so sorry.

Who are the witnesses to their claims that you attacked them? if they are family members also, please protect your peace and keep in mind that those people are probably far more likely to ignore the behavior because it was not directed at them, however wrong and hurtful MIL and FIL were to you. So, you may need to be careful there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that your child passed away. We lost a daughter during infancy and my heart goes out to you.

However, gloating that someone has a terminal illness or a life altering disease is not something kind people do. It’s probably good that your lack of courage is winning out over you feeling brave enough to say cruel things to family members, but the fact that you’re wishing for bravery to be cruel to someone isn’t decent. If their comment affected you that much, you might want to talk to someone about it (maybe a therapist if you’re already in therapy, but also a grief counselor or clergy could be helpful).

Also, assuming your readers are ignorant and don’t know what schadenfreude means makes you seem annoying. Good luck to your husband, who’s likely going to need emotional support while dealing with his father’s illness, and probably won’t get it from his life partner.

Op is not gloating, she held her tongue, as she should, and is only revealing her thoughts here. I can totally understand her bitterness towards people who outright blamed her for the death of her baby, but when confronted about it, refused to apologize. Her reaction is only human.

Op, people blame for many reasons that have nothing to do with the person being blamed. I’m sorry they put you through that- losing a baby is hard enough. I lost a baby to cancer and my mom blamed me too, and it made me angry. Eventually I realized it was just her way of processing such an unfair outcome with her limited understanding.

Ok, maybe gloat is a strong word. But by her own admission, she’s taking pleasure in their pain. She literally defined her feelings and claimed them. She may be holding her tongue, but she’s using her fingers to wish she were bold enough not to hold her tongue. She’s not just hoping they learned from their mistake and that they’ll be kinder, she’s wishing she were enough of a bully to inflict pain by kicking them while they’re down. It’s beyond schadenfreude, it’s wannabe vengeful. Maybe she’s just not handling grief well, which is why I suggested grief counseling or other safe places to talk it out and find better ways to handle things. If her in-laws are truly that bad, she needs to learn better boundaries, in which case therapy can help. But carrying that much anger and wishing you could lash out at people who are sick because they wronged you previously isn’t healthy. I’ve lost a child. I know the feelings. People say dumb stuff that feels like a knife in the heart. It’s okay to drop them, but waiting around for them to experience pain so you can do a happy dance over their misery means you have more healing to do yourself, and there are people who can help with that. If FIL is dying, she needs to prepare herself for what’s coming with her DH, because it’s going to be a strain on them, especially when he starts bending over backwards to help them when they’re too sick or grieving to handle household chores, repairs, meals, and driving to doctor appointments, not to mention wanting to squeeze in all the quality time he can get with his parents together and his dad on their own. It’s about to get harder for OP and her extended family, not easier.

You’re being ridiculously dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Nope it wasn't religious, I redirected and corrected my MIL the first time she said it, the second time she said it I explained what the doctors had said was not what she was saying and the 3rd time both her and FIL doubled down on blaming me.

My husband confronted them both and they again double downed that I had "attacked" them. Which there were witnesses to the conversation that confirmed that absolutely did not happen.

It's not a terminal diagnosis and I am absolutely won't say to them what they said to me. I don't say anything to them and I now make 0 effort to see them. My husband is free to do as he wishes and I don't interfere with how he chooses to interact with them.

OP, they sound AWFUL. I am so sorry.

Who are the witnesses to their claims that you attacked them? if they are family members also, please protect your peace and keep in mind that those people are probably far more likely to ignore the behavior because it was not directed at them, however wrong and hurtful MIL and FIL were to you. So, you may need to be careful there.

Oh no SIL was the witness and does not agree with their version or the story they are telling themselves.

[Anonymous]

How did they blame you for your baby’s death?! I’m having a hard time figuring out how they’d even come to that. Like was it a car accident and you were the driver … or some medical diagnosis that the pediatrician missed…. ? So bizarre and cruel

[Anonymous]

OP is here to vent. This is the place to come so she doesn’t have to say out loud the satisfaction she is feeling after being treated horribly by family and then the shoe 👟 s on the other foot, so to say. We are here for you OP, too bad they needed to blame someone for your and your husband’s loss. So sad that you have had to deal with this loss and not have in-laws who understand how hurtful their comments where / are. Appreciate that you are not dong to them what they did to you.

[Anonymous]

OP you haven’t told us if you’re the poster whose MIL said she had a miscarriage because of working too hard.