Schadenfreude with my MIL

[Anonymous]

For those not familiar, schadenfreude, means taking pleasure in another's misery.

My MIL said some nasty things to me about a baby I lost. My FIL just got a terrible diagnosis. While I used to really like him he encouraged her in this misguided quest to blame me for losing a child. Both have stood firm that I'm owed no apology.

I'm too above repeating their words to me back to them but man do I wish I had the guts to do it!

[Anonymous]

This is not the thing to gloat over.

[Anonymous]

Said nasty things to you after a miscarriage? Or the death of a baby? What is wrong with people?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that your child passed away. We lost a daughter during infancy and my heart goes out to you.

However, gloating that someone has a terminal illness or a life altering disease is not something kind people do. It’s probably good that your lack of courage is winning out over you feeling brave enough to say cruel things to family members, but the fact that you’re wishing for bravery to be cruel to someone isn’t decent. If their comment affected you that much, you might want to talk to someone about it (maybe a therapist if you’re already in therapy, but also a grief counselor or clergy could be helpful).

Also, assuming your readers are ignorant and don’t know what schadenfreude means makes you seem annoying. Good luck to your husband, who’s likely going to need emotional support while dealing with his father’s illness, and probably won’t get it from his life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that your child passed away. We lost a daughter during infancy and my heart goes out to you.

However, gloating that someone has a terminal illness or a life altering disease is not something kind people do. It’s probably good that your lack of courage is winning out over you feeling brave enough to say cruel things to family members, but the fact that you’re wishing for bravery to be cruel to someone isn’t decent. If their comment affected you that much, you might want to talk to someone about it (maybe a therapist if you’re already in therapy, but also a grief counselor or clergy could be helpful).

Also, assuming your readers are ignorant and don’t know what schadenfreude means makes you seem annoying. Good luck to your husband, who’s likely going to need emotional support while dealing with his father’s illness, and probably won’t get it from his life partner.

Op is not gloating, she held her tongue, as she should, and is only revealing her thoughts here. I can totally understand her bitterness towards people who outright blamed her for the death of her baby, but when confronted about it, refused to apologize. Her reaction is only human.

Op, people blame for many reasons that have nothing to do with the person being blamed. I’m sorry they put you through that- losing a baby is hard enough. I lost a baby to cancer and my mom blamed me too, and it made me angry. Eventually I realized it was just her way of processing such an unfair outcome with her limited understanding.

[Anonymous]

Well I believe in karma. You have ever right to feel what you do. I also wish you peace. I can't imagine the pain you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

She’s human. That’s what’s “wrong” with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that your child passed away. We lost a daughter during infancy and my heart goes out to you.

However, gloating that someone has a terminal illness or a life altering disease is not something kind people do. It’s probably good that your lack of courage is winning out over you feeling brave enough to say cruel things to family members, but the fact that you’re wishing for bravery to be cruel to someone isn’t decent. If their comment affected you that much, you might want to talk to someone about it (maybe a therapist if you’re already in therapy, but also a grief counselor or clergy could be helpful).

Also, assuming your readers are ignorant and don’t know what schadenfreude means makes you seem annoying. Good luck to your husband, who’s likely going to need emotional support while dealing with his father’s illness, and probably won’t get it from his life partner.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

She’s human. That’s what’s “wrong” with her.

Sorry, taking pleasure in your husband’s parent having a terminal illness isn’t normal human behavior. I get her not being devastated by the news, I get not having any feeling about it. But getting joy out of it is perverse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

+1. This is your husband’s parent.

[Anonymous]

How on earth did they blame you for the loss of your child? DH should have vigorously defended you. As we like to say in DCUM, you have a DH problem not an IL problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

+1. Schadenfreude is like, she's always rude to everyone and someone finally threw a drink on her. Her husband is dying, someone you liked and your DH's father - don't you care about his feelings? Sorry OP but I can't be with you on this one.