Schadenfreude with my MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

But you are as inhuman as they are, you’re just choosing not to tell them. You have become what you hate. Holding hatred and vitriol in your heart will destroy you. You forgive others for yourself, not for them. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, just that you should try to be better than they are. Right now, you’re not.

NP. Thinking something and saying something are different things.
You can think about yelling “fire!” In a crowded theater. But if you say it, you will be arrested.

Do you get it?

This is actually a great analogy. No one thinks OP should be arrested. But if someone *wanted* to instigate chaos and danger by yelling fire, and the only thing stopping them is the fear of consequences, you’d think that person is pretty malicious. People are reacting to the nastiness of the impulse, even though OP is too afraid to act on it.

Do you get it?

Do YOU get that OP’s ILs literally blamed her for the LOSS OF HER CHILD, and ***lied*** and said OP was harming them over it, when their own daughter (OP’s SIL) backs her up and set the record straight? Hmm? Do you get that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

But you are as inhuman as they are, you’re just choosing not to tell them. You have become what you hate. Holding hatred and vitriol in your heart will destroy you. You forgive others for yourself, not for them. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, just that you should try to be better than they are. Right now, you’re not.

NP. Thinking something and saying something are different things.
You can think about yelling “fire!” In a crowded theater. But if you say it, you will be arrested.

Do you get it?

This is actually a great analogy. No one thinks OP should be arrested. But if someone *wanted* to instigate chaos and danger by yelling fire, and the only thing stopping them is the fear of consequences, you’d think that person is pretty malicious. People are reacting to the nastiness of the impulse, even though OP is too afraid to act on it.

Do you get it?

Not impressed by your use of this freedom of speech analogy.

[Anonymous]

Some in laws are horrible and I think it’s pretty natural to secretly feel happy when something bad happens to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

He is disgusted with them. Trust me that even before that conversation he was witness to multiple examples of his Mom attacking me. Including on the days following losing our child. There was no question that it wasn't worth seeing them very often anymore.

When we got married I encouraged us spending more time with his family than he ever had before we were married. It'll now just naturally go back to not seeing them much. Of course, he is free to do as he wishes.

I don't believe you. When you did not get a positive response from your original ghoulish posting, you are making up more and more negative stories about your ILs and pretending that your DH hates them too.

If in fact, you and your DH are both such horrendous people then maybe you should rethink parenthood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

But you are as inhuman as they are, you’re just choosing not to tell them. You have become what you hate. Holding hatred and vitriol in your heart will destroy you. You forgive others for yourself, not for them. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, just that you should try to be better than they are. Right now, you’re not.

NP. Thinking something and saying something are different things.
You can think about yelling “fire!” In a crowded theater. But if you say it, you will be arrested.

Do you get it?

This is actually a great analogy. No one thinks OP should be arrested. But if someone *wanted* to instigate chaos and danger by yelling fire, and the only thing stopping them is the fear of consequences, you’d think that person is pretty malicious. People are reacting to the nastiness of the impulse, even though OP is too afraid to act on it.

Do you get it?

Do YOU get that OP’s ILs literally blamed her for the LOSS OF HER CHILD, and ***lied*** and said OP was harming them over it, when their own daughter (OP’s SIL) backs her up and set the record straight? Hmm? Do you get that?

OP just tell us what your in laws said to you

[Anonymous]

So your losing your baby was also Schadenfreude for someone?

Did not realize that it worked like this.

Yes, we all should be afraid of Karma!

[Anonymous]

Was OP mean to people and so lost her baby? I feel sorry for her and hope that she becomes a better perso so that good things happen to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was OP mean to people and so lost her baby? I feel sorry for her and hope that she becomes a better perso so that good things happen to her.

Looks like MIL is here.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s fine. But if you want to be able to think your private thoughts and not have people judge you for them, you can’t post them here. Just keep thinking it. Privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was OP mean to people and so lost her baby? I feel sorry for her and hope that she becomes a better perso so that good things happen to her.

Looks like MIL is here.

Seems like MIL and OP are the same. Feeling happy when other people agave misfortunes

[Anonymous]

OP - I get why you feel the way you do because you're still hurt and in pain. Now the people that caused your hurt are feeling pain as well. Sympathy can be hard and you're not there yet. No problem. Stay away from them. If needed remind DH (and them f they ever confront you) that you don't trust yourself to be empathetic when you were not given that same treatment in your own need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

NP here. You need to dial it down. Have you ever lost a child? I haven’t, but can imagine the excruciating pain, exacerbated by the mother of your child’s father saying cruel things, can make a woman have some less than pleasant thoughts. She’s not acting on those thoughts so just cool your jets.

Hang in there OP. You’re human and your in laws suck, getting a terminal illness never made a saint out of anyone. Continue to kind to your husband through all of this, which it sounds like you’re doing.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If you're still reading, enjoy your schadenfreude. There is no such thing as "ill-wishing", so you're not hurting your ILs, and if being secretly pleased to see them suffer alleviates some of your suffering and helps you move on... it's all perfectly fine.

Don't know why others are having conniptions over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those not familiar, schadenfreude, means taking pleasure in another's misery.

My MIL said some nasty things to me about a baby I lost. My FIL just got a terrible diagnosis. While I used to really like him he encouraged her in this misguided quest to blame me for losing a child. Both have stood firm that I'm owed no apology.

I'm too above repeating their words to me back to them but man do I wish I had the guts to do it!

What? You are happy your husband's father just got a bad, maybe terminal, prognosis. They were right not to apologize. You are not a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that your child passed away. We lost a daughter during infancy and my heart goes out to you.

However, gloating that someone has a terminal illness or a life altering disease is not something kind people do. It’s probably good that your lack of courage is winning out over you feeling brave enough to say cruel things to family members, but the fact that you’re wishing for bravery to be cruel to someone isn’t decent. If their comment affected you that much, you might want to talk to someone about it (maybe a therapist if you’re already in therapy, but also a grief counselor or clergy could be helpful).

Also, assuming your readers are ignorant and don’t know what schadenfreude means makes you seem annoying. Good luck to your husband, who’s likely going to need emotional support while dealing with his father’s illness, and probably won’t get it from his life partner.

Op is not gloating, she held her tongue, as she should, and is only revealing her thoughts here. I can totally understand her bitterness towards people who outright blamed her for the death of her baby, but when confronted about it, refused to apologize. Her reaction is only human.

Op, people blame for many reasons that have nothing to do with the person being blamed. I’m sorry they put you through that- losing a baby is hard enough. I lost a baby to cancer and my mom blamed me too, and it made me angry. Eventually I realized it was just her way of processing such an unfair outcome with her limited understanding.

We don't know why MIL is blaming her. Did OP drink, smoke. Or something else to put pregnancy in jeopardy? It doesn't matter what MIL said because OP is gloating that her FIL had been given a bad medical report. Shame on her.