Schadenfreude with my MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

What is wrong with the in laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

What is wrong with the in laws?

It’s rude to make a comment “you shouldn’t work so much it causes stress on pregnancy”. It’s rude and hurtful. But wanting to say “ha ha your husband has a terminal illness see how it feels!?” is an oversized response.

But in terms of “what is wrong with the in laws?!” you don’t need to engage in whataboutism, they can both be wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

But you are as inhuman as they are, you’re just choosing not to tell them. You have become what you hate. Holding hatred and vitriol in your heart will destroy you. You forgive others for yourself, not for them. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, just that you should try to be better than they are. Right now, you’re not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

But you are as inhuman as they are, you’re just choosing not to tell them. You have become what you hate. Holding hatred and vitriol in your heart will destroy you. You forgive others for yourself, not for them. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, just that you should try to be better than they are. Right now, you’re not.

NP. Thinking something and saying something are different things.
You can think about yelling “fire!” In a crowded theater. But if you say it, you will be arrested.

Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

OP, what did they actually say to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

But you are as inhuman as they are, you’re just choosing not to tell them. You have become what you hate. Holding hatred and vitriol in your heart will destroy you. You forgive others for yourself, not for them. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, just that you should try to be better than they are. Right now, you’re not.

NP. Thinking something and saying something are different things.
You can think about yelling “fire!” In a crowded theater. But if you say it, you will be arrested.

Do you get it?

Not if you are correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did they actually say to you?

+1 She prefers to let us think the worst about her ILs and the best about herself.

[Anonymous]

Op is bitter. She can be bitter but she shouldn't do anything to cause any pain. Check yourself before you have regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the thing to gloat over.

Seriously. What is wrong with you, OP?

She’s human. That’s what’s “wrong” with her.

Sorry, taking pleasure in your husband’s parent having a terminal illness isn’t normal human behavior. I get her not being devastated by the news, I get not having any feeling about it. But getting joy out of it is perverse.

Apparently people don’t understand schadenfreude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

But you are as inhuman as they are, you’re just choosing not to tell them. You have become what you hate. Holding hatred and vitriol in your heart will destroy you. You forgive others for yourself, not for them. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, just that you should try to be better than they are. Right now, you’re not.

NP. Thinking something and saying something are different things.
You can think about yelling “fire!” In a crowded theater. But if you say it, you will be arrested.

Do you get it?

This is actually a great analogy. No one thinks OP should be arrested. But if someone *wanted* to instigate chaos and danger by yelling fire, and the only thing stopping them is the fear of consequences, you’d think that person is pretty malicious. People are reacting to the nastiness of the impulse, even though OP is too afraid to act on it.

Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is bitter. She can be bitter but she shouldn't do anything to cause any pain. Check yourself before you have regrets.

Maybe you should check yourself? OP has said that she’s only venting anonymously.

[Anonymous]

RISE ABOVE IT.

[Anonymous]

If your husband has your back through all of this then everything will be fine for you OP. It’s totally human to feel anger and to take solace in retribution bestowed on your in-laws for their cruel words. As long as you don’t force your husband to choose sides, all will be well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband has your back through all of this then everything will be fine for you OP. It’s totally human to feel anger and to take solace in retribution bestowed on your in-laws for their cruel words. As long as you don’t force your husband to choose sides, all will be well.

We don't actually know what the cruel words were. Sounds like the poster whose inlaws made comments about her miscarriage. Which, in my opinion, while incredibly insensitive, is vastly different from stating that OP was to blame for a living child's tragic death, as she seems to be allowing us to believe by her silence on the subject

[Anonymous]

OP, after my dad (to whom I was very, very close) died, my FIL yelled at me for being sad two days after my dad died (it was quick and unexpected) because how dare I not be happy because I still had my FIL (who, by the way, has never been nice to me), and why wasn't I spending the time being grateful for him instead?

Now apparently he's sick and I couldn't care less whether he lives, dies, suffers, or recovers. However, because he's not my dad, I will do whatever my husband wants me to do. (He had a bad history with his dad and him yelling at me was basically the final straw so he's not really talking to him right now because FIL won't apologize and insists that I am the one who needs to say I'm sorry, not him).

So from your post I'd say, you don't owe it to these people who were mean to you to be kind to them or care about them now, but why would you waste any of your energy being gleeful at his diagnosis? After all the, opposite of love isn't hate, it's antipathy. So choose antipathy. And then tell your husband you'll support him however he needs you to.

Also, you didn't say, but I sincerely hope your husband stood up for you when his parents said those awful things to you. And I'm sorry for your loss.