Schadenfreude with my MIL

[Anonymous]

OP- I think it's probably typical to have an instant, uncharitable thought for someone who was cruel and callous to you.
I wouldn't dwell on such thoughts. The nice thing here is that you don't need to dredge sympathy for your MIL to find compassion for your FIL who is suffering and your DH who has to emotionally handle this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those not familiar, schadenfreude, means taking pleasure in another's misery.

My MIL said some nasty things to me about a baby I lost. My FIL just got a terrible diagnosis. While I used to really like him he encouraged her in this misguided quest to blame me for losing a child. Both have stood firm that I'm owed no apology.

I'm too above repeating their words to me back to them but man do I wish I had the guts to do it!

What? You are happy your husband's father just got a bad, maybe terminal, prognosis. They were right not to apologize. You are not a good person.

Apologies are not due based on whether you think the person you’re apologizing to is a good person. They’re based on whether you’ve done something wrong. Blaming a mother for the death of her child is wrong. It’s weird you don’t know that already.

[Anonymous]

I see your pain op, but don’t let their deficits darken your heart. Approach your FIL’s illness with the compassion and kindness that they were incapable of showing you. Don’t make it about them, make it about you and what gives your heart peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

NP here. You need to dial it down. Have you ever lost a child? I haven’t, but can imagine the excruciating pain, exacerbated by the mother of your child’s father saying cruel things, can make a woman have some less than pleasant thoughts. She’s not acting on those thoughts so just cool your jets.

Hang in there OP. You’re human and your in laws suck, getting a terminal illness never made a saint out of anyone. Continue to kind to your husband through all of this, which it sounds like you’re doing.

We have no idea what the MIL said. Did she say to OP that drinking alcohol when one is pregnant is bad for the baby? I don't think that was a wrong thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

NP here. You need to dial it down. Have you ever lost a child? I haven’t, but can imagine the excruciating pain, exacerbated by the mother of your child’s father saying cruel things, can make a woman have some less than pleasant thoughts. She’s not acting on those thoughts so just cool your jets.

Hang in there OP. You’re human and your in laws suck, getting a terminal illness never made a saint out of anyone. Continue to kind to your husband through all of this, which it sounds like you’re doing.

We have no idea what the MIL said. Did she say to OP that drinking alcohol when one is pregnant is bad for the baby? I don't think that was a wrong thing to say.

It reminds me of the poster from while back who was upset that her MIL told her she was working too hard and the stress from work might have made her miscarry. Which is an appalling thing to say to a woman who has miscarried but it is not in the same league as saying “your 6 year old died of leukemia because you chose the wrong treatments and would’ve survived if you’d have listened to me”, for example.

[Anonymous]

OMG, the amount of baseless assumptions the DCUM harpies make is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention, several of them can't read. I honestly don't know why anyone would post their story here; it's truly become a cesspool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

NP here. You need to dial it down. Have you ever lost a child? I haven’t, but can imagine the excruciating pain, exacerbated by the mother of your child’s father saying cruel things, can make a woman have some less than pleasant thoughts. She’s not acting on those thoughts so just cool your jets.

Hang in there OP. You’re human and your in laws suck, getting a terminal illness never made a saint out of anyone. Continue to kind to your husband through all of this, which it sounds like you’re doing.

We have no idea what the MIL said. Did she say to OP that drinking alcohol when one is pregnant is bad for the baby? I don't think that was a wrong thing to say.

Did you pull that out of your a$$? OP ALREADY SAID that the dr. told her the child's death wasn't her fault. Stop making crap up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, the amount of baseless assumptions the DCUM harpies make is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention, several of them can't read. I honestly don't know why anyone would post their story here; it's truly become a cesspool.

...why are you here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I believe in karma. You have ever right to feel what you do. I also wish you peace. I can't imagine the pain you feel.

+1

Karma is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, the amount of baseless assumptions the DCUM harpies make is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention, several of them can't read. I honestly don't know why anyone would post their story here; it's truly become a cesspool.

...why are you here?

Because I like to lend support when I can and naively have hope that every single thread won't turn into a cesspool. Unfortunately, the trolls have pretty much taken over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, the amount of baseless assumptions the DCUM harpies make is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention, several of them can't read. I honestly don't know why anyone would post their story here; it's truly become a cesspool.

...why are you here?

Because I like to lend support when I can and naively have hope that every single thread won't turn into a cesspool. Unfortunately, the trolls have pretty much taken over.

The trolls are often the OP and their fake problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

NP here. You need to dial it down. Have you ever lost a child? I haven’t, but can imagine the excruciating pain, exacerbated by the mother of your child’s father saying cruel things, can make a woman have some less than pleasant thoughts. She’s not acting on those thoughts so just cool your jets.

Hang in there OP. You’re human and your in laws suck, getting a terminal illness never made a saint out of anyone. Continue to kind to your husband through all of this, which it sounds like you’re doing.

We have no idea what the MIL said. Did she say to OP that drinking alcohol when one is pregnant is bad for the baby? I don't think that was a wrong thing to say.

It reminds me of the poster from while back who was upset that her MIL told her she was working too hard and the stress from work might have made her miscarry. Which is an appalling thing to say to a woman who has miscarried but it is not in the same league as saying “your 6 year old died of leukemia because you chose the wrong treatments and would’ve survived if you’d have listened to me”, for example.

"I am glad your DH is dying because you said something hurtful to me when my baby died. Now, your son, my DH, will have the loss of a child and a parent. Serves all of you right."

Yes, that sure makes OP sound like a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I right in suspecting that they said things like:
-It was God’s will
-God wanted the baby home with Him

Or something else spiritual?

I’m not defending that, at all, it’s just such a rote thing for older people who are religious to say. They may have experienced their family saying such things their entire lives.

I’m sorry for your pain, and for their insensitive reaction to your loss. I can hear the hurt in your post, and the anger. I’m not being glib when I say that I hope you are talking to a good therapist or grief counselor. I wish you well and I wish I could give you a hug.

And to the rest of you: OP has not done or said anything inappropriate. She is voicing here her pain and anger and her instinct to hurt them the way they hurt her, which she has not acted upon. Thoughts and impulses are not crimes. OP is responsible for her words and actions, not her thoughts. Don’t be such massive hypocrites—we have ALL had dark and immature and unproductive *thoughts.*

Welp, then they don't really have a leg to stand on if OP puts her hand on MIL's arm and says sepulchrally, "God wants FIL home with Him. It's his Will."

Pretty much this, except I'm not as inhuman as they are. I would never tell someone with an unexpected medical diagnosis what they said to me. But my guess is, even if I did, they wouldn't get it. I have absolutely no feelings of compassion for them and trust them like I would any person that has shown themselves to be cruel to others.

But you are as inhuman as they are, you’re just choosing not to tell them. You have become what you hate. Holding hatred and vitriol in your heart will destroy you. You forgive others for yourself, not for them. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, just that you should try to be better than they are. Right now, you’re not.

NP. Thinking something and saying something are different things.
You can think about yelling “fire!” In a crowded theater. But if you say it, you will be arrested.

Do you get it?

This is actually a great analogy. No one thinks OP should be arrested. But if someone *wanted* to instigate chaos and danger by yelling fire, and the only thing stopping them is the fear of consequences, you’d think that person is pretty malicious. People are reacting to the nastiness of the impulse, even though OP is too afraid to act on it.

Do you get it?

Not impressed by your use of this freedom of speech analogy.

Why would you think anyone cares what you are or aren’t “impressed by?” Who the hell are you again? DP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those not familiar, schadenfreude, means taking pleasure in another's misery.

My MIL said some nasty things to me about a baby I lost. My FIL just got a terrible diagnosis. While I used to really like him he encouraged her in this misguided quest to blame me for losing a child. Both have stood firm that I'm owed no apology.

I'm too above repeating their words to me back to them but man do I wish I had the guts to do it!

What? You are happy your husband's father just got a bad, maybe terminal, prognosis. They were right not to apologize. You are not a good person.

You are impressively wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would think that losing your child actually made you more compassionate about the misery of others.

So you don't care about your MIL, but what about your DH? I actually feel bad for the poor man married to you.

First, he lost his kid. Next, his parents rubbed his wife the wrong way. Third, his dad is dying. Fourth, his wife so such a terrible woman that she is joyful about that. Imagine just what this man is going through. He has been dealt such a shit hand in life and he gets no comfort at all.

NP here. You need to dial it down. Have you ever lost a child? I haven’t, but can imagine the excruciating pain, exacerbated by the mother of your child’s father saying cruel things, can make a woman have some less than pleasant thoughts. She’s not acting on those thoughts so just cool your jets.

Hang in there OP. You’re human and your in laws suck, getting a terminal illness never made a saint out of anyone. Continue to kind to your husband through all of this, which it sounds like you’re doing.

We have no idea what the MIL said. Did she say to OP that drinking alcohol when one is pregnant is bad for the baby? I don't think that was a wrong thing to say.

You already posted, like three posts before this one.
If you could read and comprehend beyond your dim myopia, you wouldn't need to ask this.
Put down the wine glass, Nancy. And the Virginia Slims. I'm sure you have some real-life meddling to engage in.