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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Short answer, yes. My mother is an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. I went no contact age 22, and I am 34 now. It was still very sad and painful for years. [b]You never get over the grief of not having the parent you wanted, needed, deserved. But I realized I was going to have that pain no matter what, so not having the additional weekly or monthly fresh trauma of more abuse was helpful. [/b]Every encounter brought more abuse I had to work through, so by capping it I was eventually able to sort of emotionally work through it all over a number of years, and I would never have been able to do that had I been adding fresh trauma to the pile. I’m sorry for your husband. It’s a very hard road.[/quote]

This is how I feel, except that I did it much, much later, in my 40s (so good for you PP for figuring it out at 22!) In retrospect, the estrangement came in several phases, as I took small steps to get away from her without really planning it. I started from a point of total enmeshment.

Phase 1: In teens, I stopped giving her information about myself, because she would use any information against me. She didn't even notice, because she only wanted me as her audience. Through my 20s, I also increasingly started saying "no" to her demands. Phase 2: By my 30s, I had mostly stopped feeling guilty/obligated and cut down communications/visits to the barest minimum. I would see her 1-2 times in a year and call almost never. This was helped by us living several states away from each other. Even still, every visit or interaction set me back. Phase 3: In my 40s, I finally went to therapy. This came after a visit after which I was depressed and nonfunctional for a week. Cutting my mom off completely had been something I couldn't imagine doing, but then suddenly it felt like the only way. For me, it was the only way.

I know some people get by with "grey rock" and boundaries, but that didn't work for me -- that is basically what I was doing through my "Phase 2," but I was still getting hurt by her. A couple realizations that were horrible to countenance, but overall helped: 1) There was no relationship other than an abusive relationship, so there was nothing to lose and, most importantly 2) She doesn't love me (she is incapable of love). So why honor a non-relationship with someone who doesn't love you and only hurts you? A lifetime of drama over a person who continually made my head spin, degraded and betrayed me, and even put my life at risk.

So do I feel better? I would say yes! I recently visited my other family members without her involvement and it was so nice and drama-free. But I think it's going to take many more years and more therapy sessions for me to get her out of my head -- right now, I am sitting here writing about her, but I'm considering it therapeutic to do so. It's like I replaced "actively abusive mom, in my life" with "ruminations about abusive mom, no longer in my life." The latter is better, but not perfect. I'd like to get to whatever the next phase is, probably "finished ruminating about abusive mom, at peace."

[/quote]

I relate to a lot of this. Things are definitely drama free without her in my life. I still ruminate, but it's not the same as the sting of dealing with the verbal assaults so often. With distance I see how mentally ill she is paired with declining. I am still damaged, but healthier. It's the different between huge breaks and cracks that have been glued together. I don't live in fear of the next outburst, though I do dread if she reaches out ever again and I dread the call that she is in the hospital or something.[/quote]

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