The looks differential in a marriage
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Anonymous
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Maybe he loves her?
Here's a brutally honest yet loving comment from one anonymous man (from https://ask.metafilter.com/212798/Im-ugly-now-what): "My wife is ugly. She knows it and I know it, but we've never talked about it. It's that hard. Until I met her, fell in love with her, and married her, I never really understood what a burden ugliness is, especially for a woman. I've never told her that she's beautiful, something that I just said automatically and spontaneously to so many girlfriends. In a candid sad moment once she told me that no one told her she was beautiful on our wedding day. When we watch movies and someone tells a woman how beautiful she is I cringe inside, because it is a reminder of how huge and every present this myth of beauty is. It's what every woman is told she is supposed to be pretty much from the day she's born, and my wife just isn't that. She fails it utterly, and there are just constant reminders of it. So that's all very depressing, but I'm telling you this because I did fall in love with her and I did marry her, and we're very happy together, and we have two beautiful children (there's that word again, sorry). And in case it matters, I'm not ugly myself. I've been told that I'm attractive, and I went to a good college and have been reasonably successful in life. So I don't think she had to trade down to find someone to marry her. I didn't either, that's the thing. I'm writing this because all these other people are responding kind of telling you not to worry about it, but I'm not sure they really understand how hard it is for a woman to be ugly, with uneven droopy eyes and uneven lips and bad skin and the rest. It's hard and I feel for you. But I also wanted to write to assure that there's still hope, and there's still love out there for you. There was and is for my wife, so I know there can be for you too." |
Anonymous
Not the PP to whom you're responding but...the OP says the wife is "rude and cold" but that could just be OP ladling on some additional "reasons" to make the case OP wants to make. OP can't know if the wife is actually a fantastic person. Perhaps the wife is rude and cold to OP, because OP is known among their friends and acquaintances as judgy and an ogler of others' husbands. Hence, the wife has no desire to be faux friendly with OP. Just a theory of course. Same as OP's ponderings are just a theory. |
Anonymous
| Well, different strokes for different folks. Do you know how many men consider Rossy De Palma stunning? |
Anonymous
She’s hot! But I like the crosseyed big nose types because they remind me of a girl in college who was, to this day, the best sex I’ve ever had. |
Anonymous
This is us. Maybe you’re my friend. Although I’m not *that* plain looking, I think I’m pretty cute not hot. |
Anonymous
| The few couples where I've noticed this have wives who are smoke shows and husbands who are fairly dumpy. Turns out the guys were fairly athletic in their teens and twenties. The women maintained their looks while the men, through some combination of atrophy and genetics, got doughy and bald. |
Anonymous
| When I got married I was pretty plain looking and I dressed kind of frumpy but my husband was very good looking so there was a pretty big difference. But he liked me because I was smart and funny and he definitely enjoyed the sex. A couple of years after we got married he suggested I meet a stylist because of career reasons and she really transformed me over about a 2 year period. I had been fairly clueless about hair and makeup as well as clothes. Thankfully my husband has stayed very good looking rather than going to seed like so many men. It wasn’t my looks that attracted him but he is very happy with how I look now and so am I. |
Anonymous
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DH is gorgeous and I’m chubby and not attractive. We have a great marriage and fantastic sex life. For people who place the highest value on appearance, it’s difficult to understand people who don’t. DH doesn’t just want arm candy. We get along great, we laugh and play, love exploring the world together, and deeply love each other.
Part of this is how important being attractive is to the unattractive partner as well. I feel like I have so many other great treats and value myself for those. I don’t care that random men don’t ogle me. And I certainly don’t care what random women think of me. Despite DCUM myth, I unattractive women can have successful, filling lives. I make a great salary. I’m respected in my field. I love parenting my kids. And DH and I never run out of things to talk about - when he travels we talk on the phone for over an hour a day. It’s just a different priority with external appearance being one piece of it. |
Anonymous
| The two men that I know married women who weren't as attractive but they did have $$$. |
Anonymous
| Most mismatched marriages I think are because one spouse has “let themselves go” in other words gained a bunch of weight. Totally NOT attractive!! |
Anonymous
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Because not everyone marries for looks. Just become some people do, doesn't mean everyone does.
Sometimes you want someone that treats you right (in whatever way appeals to you) and they have other characteristics that you value more. I know quite a few people of both genders that are drop dead gorgeous or runway worthy and yet they have very unattractive personalities, or they aren't very smart or they have no social graces or they just aren't very nice people at all. I also know people who are less attractive who are amazing and incredible people who everyone wants to be around and spend time with. I personally would rather have someone who is a great person I wanted to spend time with than someone who I love as long as they stand 10+ feet away from me. |
Anonymous
I know a woman in a marriage like this. He's not a supportive spouse at all. She's had to do some major lifting for the family. Yes, stress and lack of relaxation takes a toll on her looks and personality. Meanwhile, handsome DH subtly flirts with every woman he meets, leaving them wondering why he married her. I think my friend would be better off if one of those women stole him away. Then they could deal with him. |
Anonymous
This. My ex was literally a model, and didn't care much about appearances. He was a health nut, and wanted his partner to be a health nut as well. I'm definitely not ugly but he was striking, women stared at him, smiled at him, and flirted --at-- him *everywhere* we went. He wasn't phased by it in the least, it was kind of hilarious. He's now married to a fellow health nut who is even less good looking than I am, they have two great kids and are happy as can be. (We were intellectually incompatible and I'm a million times happier with DH but I would lie if I said I didn't miss the hot health nut body a little.  )
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Anonymous
| I read somewhere that couples who tend to be very different on some dimension (looks, culture, income, etc.) are often two people who established a friendship first versus finding each other on a dating app or such. |
Anonymous
that makes sense. One of the reasons why I don't like dating apps. You end up filtering out people whom you might really connect with. A particular physical attribute of DH's would've filtered him out of a dating app for me. We were ex-co-workers and acquaintances when we got together. We just found that we connected really well. Married 20 years, two beautiful children. Objectively, I don't find DH that physically attractive anymore (we are 50s after all), but we still connect really well. He is my BFF, and vice versa. |