The looks differential in a marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was ugly and married to a hot guy I’d probably get a little rude too. People like OP are so harsh about a woman’s attractiveness and I’m sure she knows she is constantly judged for it. I’d probably save the food parts of my personality for people who were clearly respectful to me.

Nowhere did OP mention that she was rude or disrespectful to the ugly wife. Some people can just be curious how the dynamics of a hot man and ugly woman come about without being rude to the wife. You know, like I’m still kind and respectful to people who hold differing political views even though I find their opinions on some issues really odd.

You need to stop projecting onto OP.

The very characterization of this issue--"how could a hot man be with an ugly woman???"--is rude and disrespectful, right? I personally think it's rude to call somebody else ugly. It's definitely not something yo'd say to her face or her husband's face, and there is a reason for that. I didn't actually say OP was rude to this woman but she sure is being rude here, and unless she is an excellent actress and perfectly hiding the fact that she can't understand why this woman got such a catch, she probably was a little rude to her.

You’re doing the exact same thing that OP is doing, calling this woman ugly and insisting that she knows it. You’re just trying to sound nice about it. The fact that you even think or acknowledge there are ugly women out there is, we’ll, mean as you yourself put it.
And look at this thread. People think this guy married this woman to hide his sexuality or because her family has money, or that she became ugly over time. That's really mean! And this woman cannot be ignorant about the way people pass judgment about her. She must know that people talk about her behind her back, and I am sure some people express nonverbal surprise directly to her that *she* is with *him*. And I bet people have been openly disdainful about it. So yeah I'd definitely have a chip on my shoulder if I was in her shoes.

And I do just think the OP betrays a little jealousy.

[Anonymous]

I think a large majority of men, but not all obviously, care more about a woman's appearance and sexiness to look at than anything else about her. Everything else comes second or further down. It's not uncommon at all for a guy to snag a looker and then be all baffled when she turns out to be a psycho or a bad mother or have a nasty personality, etc. They don't mind it too much if she turns out to be kind of low IQ, in fact many seem to prefer that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that sometimes incredibly attractive people end up with a partner that’s really unattractive? I recently met a couple where the husband is drop dead GQ gorgeous and his wife is just really homely. And she’s actually quite rude and cold to everyone as well, so how on earth does this happen for a man who looks like such a great catch?

Jealous? Most men are married to women who are way more attractive than them.

[Anonymous]

Looks are just one aspect of a relationship. There are so many other factors. It’s about whole package, not just one aspect. If gorgeous girl is high maintenance or has high debt/low income ratio, she can make life hell.

[Anonymous]

Replying to 15:54: I never called the woman ugly. I do acknowledge that there are people who are very much not conventionally attractive, because I’m ignorant. Pretty privilege wouldn’t be a thing if everybody was considered pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a large majority of men, but not all obviously, care more about a woman's appearance and sexiness to look at than anything else about her. Everything else comes second or further down. It's not uncommon at all for a guy to snag a looker and then be all baffled when she turns out to be a psycho or a bad mother or have a nasty personality, etc. They don't mind it too much if she turns out to be kind of low IQ, in fact many seem to prefer that as well.

I would prefer a merit scholar over a beauty pageant winner.

[Anonymous]

Women should:

- lean in into their careers and realize themselves professionally
- be good mothers - spend time and focus on children
- run households - take care of the household chores, decisions, manage help, keep track of all tasks needed to be done, they are responsible for creating a "home"
- be active in the community - volunteer at school, neighborhood events, etc.,
- focus on the marriage to keep the spark going
- supposed to have their own interests, hobbies

and now they're also supposed to look 8 out of 10 so they don't look too bad next to their gorgeous husbands.

What are societal expectations of men? None. Just exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has the best personality ever- so funny and fun and warm, people just gravitate to her and want to be around her. She is honestly pretty plain looking though, while her husband is just delicious looking, but quiet and reserved. Opposites attract!

You missed the part where the wife is rude and cold.

Of course she is rude and cold to OP. She can see the judgment all over OP's shallow face.

Now this is just silly. You have no way of knowing that OP treats the wife in a judgemental way. It’s just impossible for DCUM to accept that the wife is both ugly and rude.

I have a feeling a woman like this is very used to other women wondering why she is with her (at first glance) “superior” husband. Why should she be polite to OP when OP is being so rude to her as to try to assess her value to her husband? Just because OPs rudeness is happening in her head doesn’t mean the wife isn’t picking up on it.

I was thinking the same. ICK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a large majority of men, but not all obviously, care more about a woman's appearance and sexiness to look at than anything else about her. Everything else comes second or further down. It's not uncommon at all for a guy to snag a looker and then be all baffled when she turns out to be a psycho or a bad mother or have a nasty personality, etc. They don't mind it too much if she turns out to be kind of low IQ, in fact many seem to prefer that as well.

No, I think a large majority of men want a women who will have regular, enthusiastic sex with them. They would trade a gorgeous woman for one that is less attractive (but not extremely unattractive) and sex positive. I don’t think most men would marry a woman that is high maintenance, argumentative, or would be a bad mother. Most educated men want someone with an average or above IQ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has the best personality ever- so funny and fun and warm, people just gravitate to her and want to be around her. She is honestly pretty plain looking though, while her husband is just delicious looking, but quiet and reserved. Opposites attract!

You missed the part where the wife is rude and cold.

Of course she is rude and cold to OP. She can see the judgment all over OP's shallow face.

Now this is just silly. You have no way of knowing that OP treats the wife in a judgemental way. It’s just impossible for DCUM to accept that the wife is both ugly and rude.

I have a feeling a woman like this is very used to other women wondering why she is with her (at first glance) “superior” husband. Why should she be polite to OP when OP is being so rude to her as to try to assess her value to her husband? Just because OPs rudeness is happening in her head doesn’t mean the wife isn’t picking up on it.

I was thinking the same. ICK!

Exactly. She likely read the subtitles on your face, even if you didn’t say the dialogues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a large majority of men, but not all obviously, care more about a woman's appearance and sexiness to look at than anything else about her. Everything else comes second or further down. It's not uncommon at all for a guy to snag a looker and then be all baffled when she turns out to be a psycho or a bad mother or have a nasty personality, etc. They don't mind it too much if she turns out to be kind of low IQ, in fact many seem to prefer that as well.

No, I think a large majority of men want a women who will have regular, enthusiastic sex with them. They would trade a gorgeous woman for one that is less attractive (but not extremely unattractive) and sex positive. I don’t think most men would marry a woman that is high maintenance, argumentative, or would be a bad mother. Most educated men want someone with an average or above IQ.

Here you go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a large majority of men, but not all obviously, care more about a woman's appearance and sexiness to look at than anything else about her. Everything else comes second or further down. It's not uncommon at all for a guy to snag a looker and then be all baffled when she turns out to be a psycho or a bad mother or have a nasty personality, etc. They don't mind it too much if she turns out to be kind of low IQ, in fact many seem to prefer that as well.

I would prefer a merit scholar over a beauty pageant winner.

Ditto. Let’s face it, kids’ll be better off inheriting high IQ and maternal income AND free tutoring and home grown college consulting as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a large majority of men, but not all obviously, care more about a woman's appearance and sexiness to look at than anything else about her. Everything else comes second or further down. It's not uncommon at all for a guy to snag a looker and then be all baffled when she turns out to be a psycho or a bad mother or have a nasty personality, etc. They don't mind it too much if she turns out to be kind of low IQ, in fact many seem to prefer that as well.

I would prefer a merit scholar over a beauty pageant winner.

Ditto. Let’s face it, kids’ll be better off inheriting high IQ and maternal income AND free tutoring and home grown college consulting as well.

Another woman pretending to be a man. You are delusional. Men are driven by sex. They don't get aroused by the thought of "home grown consulting." Handsome men who marry unattractive women are 1) gay or 2) looking for financial and social opportunities. Both cheat with men or good looking women.

[Anonymous]

NP. I’ve been thinking about this thread because my husband is more attractive than I am, but I decided it’s impossible to make general statements because beauty is just too subjective.

Husband is objectively hot, but he’s also non-white, which causes some people to overlook him and also left him less secure about his looks. He also usually dresses poorly. At least when we’re out together, I only notice other women staring when he’s fancied up in a suit. (I hate it, it does make me insecure, so I’m glad we don’t dress up very often!)

But then also, I’m hard to categorize. I’m above average, but far from gorgeous or hot. But when I was single I always, *always* had a circle of devoted men who wanted to date me. So there must be more to attraction than purely looks? FWIW, I’m a happy person who I’ve been told has the personality of a beloved kindergarten teacher, and I thiink a lot of men find that appealing. Based on his ex-girlfriend and celebrity crushes, I’m pretty sure I’m exactly my husband’s “type” as well.

But to the extent that you CAN generalize, husband is definitely hotter. He’s also younger and makes more money. But I know I’m a 10/10 as a life partner, and some men genuinely do see intelligence and personality as the most important factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a large majority of men, but not all obviously, care more about a woman's appearance and sexiness to look at than anything else about her. Everything else comes second or further down. It's not uncommon at all for a guy to snag a looker and then be all baffled when she turns out to be a psycho or a bad mother or have a nasty personality, etc. They don't mind it too much if she turns out to be kind of low IQ, in fact many seem to prefer that as well.

I would prefer a merit scholar over a beauty pageant winner.

Ditto. Let’s face it, kids’ll be better off inheriting high IQ and maternal income AND free tutoring and home grown college consulting as well.

Another woman pretending to be a man. You are delusional. Men are driven by sex. They don't get aroused by the thought of "home grown consulting." Handsome men who marry unattractive women are 1) gay or 2) looking for financial and social opportunities. Both cheat with men or good looking women.

Then why did my ex cheat on me with an objectively uglier woman? And I'm definitely sex-positive.

Answer: people are complicated and it's not as simple as you present. Maybe you are simple I can't speak to that- but other people have layers.