Where have we gone wrong, and how to do better going forward?

[Anonymous]

Check out Dan Shapiro and his book/online course. It didn't really work for us (different issues), but I know many people I know find his book/online stuff super helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being too hard on yourself. Delete IG.

As for suggestions: Lots more physical activity for everyone, like long walks together as a family. Start traditions. Even silly ones. Let the kids make decisions, taking charge of small things. Empower them. And realize grumpy is a personality, too, and one you can love and even celebrate. Hug your grump tell him you love every grumpy part of him (even if you don’t in the moment) and appreciate his opinions. My grumpy child just turned 18, knowing he was accepted in all his grumpitude kept him engaged with the family and feeling like he had something to contribute, which lead to improvement in his behavior.

I’d love examples. I think our poor son strives to make us happy and he sadly knows we’re unhappy with him. but it’s so hard to accept a grumpy kid.

I’d love examples.

Op that’s your first step - you just truly have to love him as he is. Things won’t get better til you do that and he starts to feel your acceptance. Anything you’ve been doing to try to make him less grumpy, let it go - don’t anymore. He senses that is you trying to get him to be less like himself and it probably makes it worse. Rituals really helped our family too. On sundays, we light the same candles, and have a special fancy pasta dinner along with board games or something fun the kids want to do. Doing it every sunday and knowing exactly what to expect helps. It will take time but maybe just focus on that day - on sundays, I am going to focus intensely on just accepting kid a for who he is and not try to change his mood or attitude. Go to church (you need mentioned this was important to you so that’s why I mention it) and then build a routine that brings you joy for the evening. And do it every Sunday as much as you can. Get out a special runner or tablecloth that only comes out on Sunday. A special scent of candle. And on that day practice being ok with things as they are. Then once it starts feeling better on sundays, try the acceptance other days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-stop following IG accounts and social media
-stop reading/following "how to" advice
-have your kids fold-into your lives. Not the other way around. Do not make your life about them
-Don't tolerate rude and unpleasant

+1 It's a lot of pressure for kids when they think it's their job to make you happy. Let them see you doing something else that makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

Oh and I agree with others - delete Instagram! I did it for 6 months and it helped soo much. I thought the parenting things were making me a better parent but they were actually making me a more anxious parent. Trying to do the right thing say the right thing, correcting my husband if he wasn’t doing xyz. The break helped a lot. I felt my anxiety go down. Now I’m back on but stay off the parenting stuff more. But I had to take a long break to be able to come back

[Anonymous]

Lol, I just envision you screaming “Jesus loves you goddamit! Why isn’t that giving you joy?!” Maybe he’s sad because he’s stuck in a Christian household. It’s not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry op. I doubt your son’s grumpiness is anything you’ve done or are doing, it sounds like it’s just a personality thing given your husband’s family. A hard part of parenting I think is that so much of personality is innate. It doesn’t mean what we do doesn’t matter, of course it does. But things like how stubborn or independent a kid is, or whether they are generally easy going or more prone to grumpiness has a lot to do with genes/predisposition. I wish I had better advice. Mostly just wanted to say it’s probably not you so at least take that guilt off yourself.

More than one child here and I absolutely agree with this. One DC has MIL's stubbornness (like a mule!!!) and inability to be joyful - and it is difficult, OP. You are NOT alone, and it is nature, not nurture, for many personality traits.

[Anonymous]

Op the internet thing you can ever predict is personality. There’s some people who could receive 1 million dollars and still not break a smile and find a fault in the taxes. There’s other people who would drop to their knees and cry. Don’t fault yourself, everyone started somewhere and not everything is environment.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here with 25 years experience with special needs children- A lot of those instagram accounts just show the good times. I find a lot of those accounts unrealistic and set parents up to fail, because you can’t follow the ‘plan’ because the ‘program’ often only exists on instagram.

For adhd, I would suggest you not to the a la mode ‘fluently parenting’. It doesn’t work, especially with adhd. You child needs very clear boundaries, given in a kind/not authoritarian way. I always tell families that I am firm, but kind, and I won’t work for families who do attachment/gentle parenting, because generally it’s just permissive/no rules parenting.

When children yell at me or don’t behave, instead of sending them to their room, I remove myself from the situation. I calmly say “I would love to play (insert activity) with you right now, but when you see (insert behavior), I need to leave the room. When you are ready to play, I’ll be waiting for you in the kitchen”. Sending kids to their room or a naughty chair etc just kind of escalates things.

I like to make a plan for the day with children, so get have input into what’s happening. For example if they don’t want to brush their teeth, I remind them “remember we said we were going to do X after you brushed your teeth? Let me Kobe when you’re ready!”

[Anonymous]

Op I’d recommend you don’t respond to the pp. it’s starting to derail your thread. A lot of assumptions being made, just for address it or it will derail

[Anonymous]

Nanny again- I try to only be super firm with my tone when it’s something serious. If you are always using the same tone, then kids just get used to that, and it’s not effective when you need them to listen. I use my firm tone when children are doing something unsafe/hitting/throwing items. I will say in a very firm tone: “It’s is not okay to put your hands on (insert person). If you choose to continue this behaviour, unfortunately we will have to (insert natural consequence). Please make good choices”. Natural consequences: throwing toys = toys disappear until the next day. Hitting sibling = Sibling and I remove ourselves from the area, and child is left alone. Won’t get dressed = then you can’t go to the park. Don’t want to burch your teeth = can’t have a sweet the next time we have dessert.

I make my expectations very clear, when it comes to behaviours that are not permitted, and the natural consequences that will follow. I gently remind children once of the natural consequences and then let them choose if they want to follow my instructions. I don’t do threats. If I say “If you continue this behaviour, we are leaving Disneyland”, we will leave Disney land. Kids learn who they need to listen to and who they don’t.

I don’t believe in shaming, yelling, or time outs/sending kids to their rooms. I remove myself from the situation.

I also think it’s VERY important to teach children coping skills as an outlet for their anger. We regularly work on breathing exercises, and I model that behaviour. Sometimes when I am feeling frustrated, I will say “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to do some deep breaths, because that really helps me calm down”. We also talk about coloring or reading, or building yourself a fort with blankets and pillows, so kids have a place to take a break. I don’t ever send them to their ‘take a break’ place (a fort, teepee etc) it’s a place where the child feels safe to go on their own to calm down. I put a basket inside with books, toys, stuffed animals, etc and rotate the items every few weeks.

I’m not rewarding ‘bad’ behaviour, but I’m trying to model behaviour that helps children regular their behaviour. In the beginning they might destroy their fort, throw their basket, or just scream and follow me around the house. As long as they aren’t being violent, I completely ignore the behaviour and remind them that I am ready to (insert activity) once they calm down.

Once the children learn the coping skills of bresthibg exercises, a quiet place, colouring, etc I can often (in the middle of a melt down) say “I see that you’re feeling frustrated. Would you like me to help you calm down? Maybe we could do our breathing together or I can draw pictures for you to colour”. One of the children currently in my care has adhd and when she starts spinning, now she will run to me and just tell: “BREATHING!!!! I need breathing!!!!”. I will hold her in a tight hug and start counting down from ten, while I rub her back. Example (while taking long breaths): “1, 2, 3, 4, calming down, 5, 6, take a deep breath with me, 7, feeling calmer, 8, 9, and when we get to 10, breathing deeply and using our worlds”. Sometimes when we get to 10, she will softly say “I need more breathing”, so we count a few more, then stop. Additionally- When she is in a meltdown and comes to me crying and asking for breathing, I often ask “what number are you?” to indicate how upset she feels, and we start counting down from 7 or whatever number she feels.

I hope some of this is helpful!

[Anonymous]

Is your 6.5 yr old getting support in kindergarten- IEP?

[Anonymous]

Nanny again- In my initial post, I meant to say ‘gentle’ parenting, not fluid. Sorry!! Typo!

[Anonymous]

I have a child who has the same diagnosis. She is also an incredible human being, despite some difficult challenges. Nothing will improve if your child is anxious in your like (or love) for him. You need to show him you accept him for who he is. Every single day give him 20 minutes where he picks what he does with either you or your husband (without the rest of the kids). For my DD, the strength of our relationship is the foundation for everything else.

Yes, you need rules and you need follow through. Can you get extra help? I can’t imagine working even part time without some child care. You need to take care of yourself so you can be consistent and kind. But I’m a believer in picking my battles. Safety, kindness and manner. That’s pretty much it. My kids can wear what they want and do what they want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone and they clean it up later. I don’t have an image for what my life should be like. I encourage you to let that go.

In terms of advice, the Scaffold Effect is great for SN parents. Highly recommend. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I’d recommend you don’t respond to the pp. it’s starting to derail your thread. A lot of assumptions being made, just for address it or it will derail

What is wrong with the pp above you?

[Anonymous]

OP you had a family in mind, and a way your family life would be. Instagram is helping you hold on to that concept.

The problem is that this ideal is not your reality.

Your unhappiness is more about your disconnect from this ideal, than it is about the life you're actually living.

Reset your expectations to zero and build up from there.

I would start with a daily gratitude practice, and focus on small things that went well, instead of focusing on what isn't working.