Where have we gone wrong, and how to do better going forward?

[Anonymous]

Instagram is the main problem.

[Anonymous]

You have to be gentle on yourself and realistic, OP. Everything is fake on Instagram. Especially “parenting influencers.” Unfollow all of them right now, seriously. The only one I like is Busy Toddler and that’s just for activities, most of the activities she suggests are doable and you just have to pick and choose which ones your kids will like. It’s also a dirty secret that this “phase of life” isn’t actually calm or peaceful and a lot of people don’t actually enjoy it. I would loosen up on yourself a lot and maybe by doing so, you’ll start to enjoy your kids more too, grumpy personalities and all.

[Anonymous]

Your children are gifts. You are just going through a difficult season, but you will get through it. First, I recommend staying off of instagram and any other social media. This is like a poison to us. Most of what is posted is not real. It is a person trying to make their life look better so they can be loved. Do not compare your children to others. God created all of our children differently and they need to be raised differently depending on their temperament. Our children need boundaries and they need discipline in order to feel secure and to develop into productive members of society. This is a great description on different parenting styles https://bit.ly/3lDWD1Q . Our children also need lots of encouragement. Check out the 5 Love Languages for Kids by Chapman. Ultimately, I have found the best guidebook for raising children is God's word, the Bible. Without this I would have failed miserably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Delete. Instagram. Your expectations for parenting are WAY too high. And your kids are probably feeling it. When kids feel like their entire existence is to please the parents, they get grumpy and feel like they can never measure up.

This. They are 6 and 5 OP.

What you need is very clear boundaries. E.g . In my house, the kitchen is a " whine free" zone. You whine in the kitchen, you immediately get sent to your room. Dinner and evening conversation which take place in the kitchen, are peaceful.

It's a tough fight to establish boundaries, but once they are established, things will be calmer.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has a grumpy in-laws side of the family, I would suggest to you that grumpy people actually have anxiety and rigidity. They aren't as flexible as others, and that makes it hard for them to avoid feeling anxious and cope with the life as it comes. They're the same kind of thing underneath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Delete. Instagram. Your expectations for parenting are WAY too high. And your kids are probably feeling it. When kids feel like their entire existence is to please the parents, they get grumpy and feel like they can never measure up.

Delete social media, OP.

Completely. 100%.

It is hurting you psychologically, but you don’t even realize it.

You are probably addicted to it now.

+100. I don’t understand why mothers torture themselves with this. I have an IG that I use to follow like 10 celebs and check once a week and that’s it. I don’t follow mommy bloggers so I maintain my extreme self-confidence of thinking I’m the best mother out there!

if following mommy bloggers sure... if following child development specialists, neuroscientists, psychiatrists, etc. it is a very different message

[Anonymous]

Stop calling him grumpy. To him, to your DH, on the internet, anywhere. It's a self fulfilling prophecy and a label he doesn't need. That's the first step. You don't need to box your kdis with their labels so early.

[Anonymous]

Delete histogram. Get off instagram, facebook, and social media.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You will still compare if you don't have IG, but you will not have to contend with family fakery coming at you in every direction for however long you scroll through.

Physical activity, family traditions, spending 1:1 time with each child (to the extent possible), trying to be consistent with each child and across all of your children when it comes to discipline and rewards, paying someone to provide childcare or asking for some childcare family help (if either is an option) so you have a break and can take care of yourself...All of these things could help.

You have three kids under 6. That's tough.

[Anonymous]

Is he hearing things at church that feed his anxiety? Sometimes children take things about sin way too harshly.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes feel ragey toward one or both of my kids. My 9-year-old really gets under my skin. I think it's because I experience her as so similar to me and when the worst parts of me come out of her, it's very triggering. My 5-year-old is different from me and I think that when I can't match his energy, it triggers both of us. We do go through phases where joy is lacking, and I think that is normal. One thing I have found is that when I make the decision to radically accept everything that comes my way from them, the day tends to go better. I need to work at it, and if I'm not in a great space hormonally or sleepwise, it's harder. But like, if they start fighting, instead of getting reactive and angry, I just calmly state that we need to get going, etc. and it really diffuses things faster. I wish I could harness that for always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop calling him grumpy. To him, to your DH, on the internet, anywhere. It's a self fulfilling prophecy and a label he doesn't need. That's the first step. You don't need to box your kdis with their labels so early.

This this this. Self talk is HUGE. I don't call my kids names or complain about them, even in my head. It starts a cycle and they pick up on it. Speak about them positively to yourself and everyone else.

[Anonymous]

ok, I am a SAHM to three kids...7,5,2. There are some books called "Your 1 year old" and they go up to elementary school. Buy them and read them. your kids sound normal and you sound like you need a break. Get a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

You could try the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. I like it because it focuses on what the parent brings to the difficult interactions. That's great, because changing yourself is a lot easier than changing someone else.

Also, it won't solve everything, but I also like How to Talk so Kids will Listen, How to Listen so Kids will Talk. It's also very relationship focused, and a quick read. I read it just for interest and learned a lot about how my conversation style with my kids could be improved.

Also, maybe something by Ross Greene? he's famous for The Explosive Child, but you haven't really described an explosive child, more just an unhappy one. I haven't read it, but perhaps Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child could be helpful?

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but I will say that anxiety makes people really unpleasant. DH has situational anxiety. He usually is a really great person with a fantastic personality. Fun to be with, easy-going, just fabulous. Every once in a while he'll get anxious -- usually as we're trying to get out the door to something because he hates to be even a second late or when there's something stressful happening, and he gets briefly nasty in a way that is just so out of keeping with his normal personality. I have anxiety and so does DD but it took me a while to figure out that it's anxiety on his part that causes this. DD also gets unpleasant when she's anxious. It's like a personality flip. So all this to say that dealing with the anxiety, understanding it, and working through that should help the less-than-ideal personality quite a bit!

[Anonymous]

I would consider going to work full-time, honestly. If you "don't like" one of your children, you may be drained spending too much time with them.

I've done both SAHP and full-time working mom stints, fwiw. I agree with Emily Oster when she said she's a happier, better mom when she is working.