Where have we gone wrong, and how to do better going forward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I’d recommend you don’t respond to the pp. it’s starting to derail your thread. A lot of assumptions being made, just for address it or it will derail

What is wrong with the pp above you?

It’s been deleted, subject closed thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your 6.5 yr old getting support in kindergarten- IEP?

He has a 504 for his anxiety.

He’s ok at school. It’s us, and I know it. Also a teacher won’t notice his grumpy demeanor as much as I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being too hard on yourself. Delete IG.

As for suggestions: Lots more physical activity for everyone, like long walks together as a family. Start traditions. Even silly ones. Let the kids make decisions, taking charge of small things. Empower them. And realize grumpy is a personality, too, and one you can love and even celebrate. Hug your grump tell him you love every grumpy part of him (even if you don’t in the moment) and appreciate his opinions. My grumpy child just turned 18, knowing he was accepted in all his grumpitude kept him engaged with the family and feeling like he had something to contribute, which lead to improvement in his behavior.

This is great advice.

I feel like this a lot when I see posts here where parents are disappointed about some aspect of their kid. Either they're not athletic enough, or smart enough, of they're heavy or whatever.

I always think: "You're either going to have a fat kid, or a fat kid whose parents love them." You aren't going to change the underlying thing. Radical acceptance and empathy is pretty much the only answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I’d recommend you don’t respond to the pp. it’s starting to derail your thread. A lot of assumptions being made, just for address it or it will derail

What is wrong with the pp above you?

Woops it was bad timing some posts came in between by the time I posted - I meant the one going into saying they are talking about the devil and Christianity etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who has the same diagnosis. She is also an incredible human being, despite some difficult challenges. Nothing will improve if your child is anxious in your like (or love) for him. You need to show him you accept him for who he is. Every single day give him 20 minutes where he picks what he does with either you or your husband (without the rest of the kids). For my DD, the strength of our relationship is the foundation for everything else.

Yes, you need rules and you need follow through. Can you get extra help? I can’t imagine working even part time without some child care. You need to take care of yourself so you can be consistent and kind. But I’m a believer in picking my battles. Safety, kindness and manner. That’s pretty much it. My kids can wear what they want and do what they want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone and they clean it up later. I don’t have an image for what my life should be like. I encourage you to let that go.

In terms of advice, the Scaffold Effect is great for SN parents. Highly recommend. Best of luck.

Me again. If I were going to give one piece of advice to a parent struggling with a child with ADHD, (this was a big take away from the book I referenced above) it would be to catch them being good. If you see anything you can praise your child for, kindness to a sibling, being helpful, working hard on school work, praise them right away. These kids can get frustrated by feeling like they aren’t good enough and they give up trying. Once they think you have decided they are a bad kid, they really live up to it and it’s sad for everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP I was struck by your phrasing “they’ve been raised by us at home, no nanny or daycare.” This is phrased oddly, and I get the sense that this family structure is something you attach moral value to, that your kids don’t have care by anyone other than you. But what if for the particular kids you have, that family structure is not the best? What if you have kids who need a bit more social interaction, or a bit more interaction with caregivers who aren’t you? Is that something you could consider?

I ask because I do wonder if part of the grumpiness could be alleviated by more of a village. It’s devastating for a child to feel disliked by his parents, absolutely devastating. But one person was never meant to be the only or almost only adult figure in a child life. Humans are tribal by nature, with small communities being part of human child rearing for millennia. Could you put aside your moral views on childcare and consider an alternative?

[Anonymous]

A big part of this is that you seem to frame things according to good/bad, right/wrong. Have you looked into a parenting class like Mariposa? Responding with more empathy and acceptance would probably make the relationship a lot more enjoyable for both of you. These kids need your help.

About not being joyful at church… come on, the guy is 6. Have you asked him if it’s boring for him?

I agree with PP who suggested more playfulness, silliness, letting things not be perfect, not responding with anxiety to negative moods or feelings.

[Anonymous]

21:05
OP here, I wrote that because I’ve been around DCUM for a loonnnngg time and I wanted to give info first, because people tend to immediately reply with “how much time do you spend with him?” “Is he in day care all day and never with you” etc etc so I wanted to just give info so it wasn’t asked where he lived and spent his time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are 6,5, and 1. I’m a SAHM who works part time online. They have been raised by us at home, no nanny or day care.

I would prefer suggestions beyond “get help”. Specifics books, tools, etc.

I follow soooo many parenting IG accounts. We love Celebrate Calm.

My husband and I fear that we genuinely do not like our oldest child, and worry the middle one is right behind him. Our oldest is anxious and adhd, and downright unpleasant. He has a very grumpy disposition. He complains a lot. Not a lot of joy. He’s oblivious, selfish and rude.

(My husbands family, in general, are unpleasant people. Just…grumps. Not a lot of personality and pleasantries. The anxiety comes from me).

Our middle son is more easy going but has a temper. He screams and tantrums a lot.

I just feel like our house isn’t filled with joy and love. I feel like we’re just getting by. I want to enjoy this phase and love my little children, but it’s not cute and lovey at all. There’s a lot of arguing.

Am I being too hard on myself? Am I comparing our lives to IG too much?

Congrats! You have a kid? This describes...a kid. It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations, and they are making everyone miserable.

[Anonymous]

Uh. You are doing fine. 6 year old boys are terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Delete. Instagram. Your expectations for parenting are WAY too high. And your kids are probably feeling it. When kids feel like their entire existence is to please the parents, they get grumpy and feel like they can never measure up.

Delete social media, OP.

Completely. 100%.

It is hurting you psychologically, but you don’t even realize it.

You are probably addicted to it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Delete. Instagram. Your expectations for parenting are WAY too high. And your kids are probably feeling it. When kids feel like their entire existence is to please the parents, they get grumpy and feel like they can never measure up.

Delete social media, OP.

Completely. 100%.

It is hurting you psychologically, but you don’t even realize it.

You are probably addicted to it now.

+100. I don’t understand why mothers torture themselves with this. I have an IG that I use to follow like 10 celebs and check once a week and that’s it. I don’t follow mommy bloggers so I maintain my extreme self-confidence of thinking I’m the best mother out there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I was struck by your phrasing “they’ve been raised by us at home, no nanny or daycare.” This is phrased oddly, and I get the sense that this family structure is something you attach moral value to, that your kids don’t have care by anyone other than you. But what if for the particular kids you have, that family structure is not the best? What if you have kids who need a bit more social interaction, or a bit more interaction with caregivers who aren’t you? Is that something you could consider?

I ask because I do wonder if part of the grumpiness could be alleviated by more of a village. It’s devastating for a child to feel disliked by his parents, absolutely devastating. But one person was never meant to be the only or almost only adult figure in a child life. Humans are tribal by nature, with small communities being part of human child rearing for millennia. Could you put aside your moral views on childcare and consider an alternative?

I agree with this. Since OP and her DH clearly don’t like their son, maybe it’s time for him to spend time with other adults who might. Or with kids (through aftercare and camps). Bonus: absence makes the heart grow fonder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I was struck by your phrasing “they’ve been raised by us at home, no nanny or daycare.” This is phrased oddly, and I get the sense that this family structure is something you attach moral value to, that your kids don’t have care by anyone other than you. But what if for the particular kids you have, that family structure is not the best? What if you have kids who need a bit more social interaction, or a bit more interaction with caregivers who aren’t you? Is that something you could consider?

I ask because I do wonder if part of the grumpiness could be alleviated by more of a village. It’s devastating for a child to feel disliked by his parents, absolutely devastating. But one person was never meant to be the only or almost only adult figure in a child life. Humans are tribal by nature, with small communities being part of human child rearing for millennia. Could you put aside your moral views on childcare and consider an alternative?

I agree with this. Since OP and her DH clearly don’t like their son, maybe it’s time for him to spend time with other adults who might. Or with kids (through aftercare and camps). Bonus: absence makes the heart grow fonder

I’m the PP who wrote that, and I do not think they clearly dislike their son! But I do think that for a kid like OPs, more people will help.

I think personally that the SAH model can work beautifully for some kids, but for some kids, they and their parents need a larger circle. That is not “dislike” but it just means that for some people, needs can only be really met by a larger group. It’s normal and healthy, and it might help OP and her kid.

[Anonymous]

First and foremost, any child needs to be safe at home. Love your children despite their personality traits. Show it…everyday.