Where have we gone wrong, and how to do better going forward?

[Anonymous]

Our kids are 6,5, and 1. I’m a SAHM who works part time online. They have been raised by us at home, no nanny or day care.

I would prefer suggestions beyond “get help”. Specifics books, tools, etc.

I follow soooo many parenting IG accounts. We love Celebrate Calm.

My husband and I fear that we genuinely do not like our oldest child, and worry the middle one is right behind him. Our oldest is anxious and adhd, and downright unpleasant. He has a very grumpy disposition. He complains a lot. Not a lot of joy. He’s oblivious, selfish and rude.

(My husbands family, in general, are unpleasant people. Just…grumps. Not a lot of personality and pleasantries. The anxiety comes from me).

Our middle son is more easy going but has a temper. He screams and tantrums a lot.

I just feel like our house isn’t filled with joy and love. I feel like we’re just getting by. I want to enjoy this phase and love my little children, but it’s not cute and lovey at all. There’s a lot of arguing.

Am I being too hard on myself? Am I comparing our lives to IG too much?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry op. I doubt your son’s grumpiness is anything you’ve done or are doing, it sounds like it’s just a personality thing given your husband’s family. A hard part of parenting I think is that so much of personality is innate. It doesn’t mean what we do doesn’t matter, of course it does. But things like how stubborn or independent a kid is, or whether they are generally easy going or more prone to grumpiness has a lot to do with genes/predisposition. I wish I had better advice. Mostly just wanted to say it’s probably not you so at least take that guilt off yourself.

[Anonymous]

Pp here and I do have one specific potential option for help. I don’t know if I can solve things, but we did find it helpful and it’s a higher level of support than IG etc which just scratches the surface.

https://yourparentingmojo.com/parentingmembership/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry op. I doubt your son’s grumpiness is anything you’ve done or are doing, it sounds like it’s just a personality thing given your husband’s family. A hard part of parenting I think is that so much of personality is innate. It doesn’t mean what we do doesn’t matter, of course it does. But things like how stubborn or independent a kid is, or whether they are generally easy going or more prone to grumpiness has a lot to do with genes/predisposition. I wish I had better advice. Mostly just wanted to say it’s probably not you so at least take that guilt off yourself.

Thank you. I mean, it’s hard because he inherited MY moms terrible anxiety and my husbands parents grumpiness.

We attend church and are Christians, but he has no joy or service in his heart, and I know at 6 that’s a lot to expect.

But he’s very unpleasant. It sucks the life from us ALL.

[Anonymous]

It* not I, sorry typo

[Anonymous]

No, I don’t think you’re being too hard on yourself or the situation at all. Something has gone wrong in your home to make you all so unhappy.

You have to look at everything with an ADHD kid - nutrition, screen time, frustration, relationships outside of the home, self-esteem, depression, etc. No one here can diagnose your interpersonal issues, OP, or your oldest child’s issues.

Why are you opposed to outside help? A good child psychologist can you you and your husband a blueprint to agree on and follow with absolute consistency.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are being too hard on yourself. Delete IG.

As for suggestions: Lots more physical activity for everyone, like long walks together as a family. Start traditions. Even silly ones. Let the kids make decisions, taking charge of small things. Empower them. And realize grumpy is a personality, too, and one you can love and even celebrate. Hug your grump tell him you love every grumpy part of him (even if you don’t in the moment) and appreciate his opinions. My grumpy child just turned 18, knowing he was accepted in all his grumpitude kept him engaged with the family and feeling like he had something to contribute, which lead to improvement in his behavior.

[Anonymous]

For a kid with anxiety and adhd (I have one also) you need professional help to figure out appropriate strategies. The book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and other positive parenting books have been helpful for my kid as well as understanding CBT and DBT techniques. The What to do When you worry too much workbook could be good to do with your child so he can start to understand why he is feeling what he is feeling. Strategizing together when he is not upset about what he can do when he starts feeling grumpy and about how you will respond can help.

[Anonymous]

Parenting classes, so that you can have a plan for responding to bad behavior and moving past it, rather than escalating or dwelling. I recommend this one: http://www.parentchildjourney.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t think you’re being too hard on yourself or the situation at all. Something has gone wrong in your home to make you all so unhappy.

You have to look at everything with an ADHD kid - nutrition, screen time, frustration, relationships outside of the home, self-esteem, depression, etc. No one here can diagnose your interpersonal issues, OP, or your oldest child’s issues.

Why are you opposed to outside help? A good child psychologist can you you and your husband a blueprint to agree on and follow with absolute consistency.

I’m not opposed to help at all. I don’t like when people comment “get help” and that’s all. It’s dismissive.

Family therapists are booking nearly 8 months out where I live, and we’re on waitlist.

He’s been to the development ped and we have another visit scheduled in a week or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being too hard on yourself. Delete IG.

As for suggestions: Lots more physical activity for everyone, like long walks together as a family. Start traditions. Even silly ones. Let the kids make decisions, taking charge of small things. Empower them. And realize grumpy is a personality, too, and one you can love and even celebrate. Hug your grump tell him you love every grumpy part of him (even if you don’t in the moment) and appreciate his opinions. My grumpy child just turned 18, knowing he was accepted in all his grumpitude kept him engaged with the family and feeling like he had something to contribute, which lead to improvement in his behavior.

I’d love examples. I think our poor son strives to make us happy and he sadly knows we’re unhappy with him. but it’s so hard to accept a grumpy kid.

I’d love examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t think you’re being too hard on yourself or the situation at all. Something has gone wrong in your home to make you all so unhappy.

You have to look at everything with an ADHD kid - nutrition, screen time, frustration, relationships outside of the home, self-esteem, depression, etc. No one here can diagnose your interpersonal issues, OP, or your oldest child’s issues.

Why are you opposed to outside help? A good child psychologist can you you and your husband a blueprint to agree on and follow with absolute consistency.

I’m not opposed to help at all. I don’t like when people comment “get help” and that’s all. It’s dismissive.

Family therapists are booking nearly 8 months out where I live, and we’re on waitlist.

He’s been to the development ped and we have another visit scheduled in a week or so.

I’m the first pp op and I wouldn’t take this to heart. Like you said therapists are so so booked up right now it is so difficult. Glad you are on a waitlist and in the meantime I posted above, this might be helpful. I agree with the outside time as a family, will he engage in outside time or is he grumpy about that? https://yourparentingmojo.com/parentingmembership/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting classes, so that you can have a plan for responding to bad behavior and moving past it, rather than escalating or dwelling. I recommend this one: http://www.parentchildjourney.com/

Thanks, did you do the 10 weeks course???

[Anonymous]

-stop following IG accounts and social media
-stop reading/following "how to" advice
-have your kids fold-into your lives. Not the other way around. Do not make your life about them
-Don't tolerate rude and unpleasant

[Anonymous]

Delete. Instagram. Your expectations for parenting are WAY too high. And your kids are probably feeling it. When kids feel like their entire existence is to please the parents, they get grumpy and feel like they can never measure up.