Reply to Where have we gone wrong, and how to do better going forward?

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[quote=Anonymous]Nanny again- I try to only be super firm with my tone when it’s something serious. If you are always using the same tone, then kids just get used to that, and it’s not effective when you need them to listen. I use my firm tone when children are doing something unsafe/hitting/throwing items. I will say in a very firm tone: “It’s is not okay to put your hands on (insert person). If you choose to continue this behaviour, unfortunately we will have to (insert natural consequence). Please make good choices”. Natural consequences: throwing toys = toys disappear until the next day. Hitting sibling = Sibling and I remove ourselves from the area, and child is left alone. Won’t get dressed = then you can’t go to the park. Don’t want to burch your teeth = can’t have a sweet the next time we have dessert.

I make my expectations very clear, when it comes to behaviours that are not permitted, and the natural consequences that will follow. I gently remind children once of the natural consequences and then let them choose if they want to follow my instructions. I don’t do threats. If I say “If you continue this behaviour, we are leaving Disneyland”, we will leave Disney land. Kids learn who they need to listen to and who they don’t.

I don’t believe in shaming, yelling, or time outs/sending kids to their rooms. I remove myself from the situation.

I also think it’s VERY important to teach children coping skills as an outlet for their anger. We regularly work on breathing exercises, and I model that behaviour. Sometimes when I am feeling frustrated, I will say “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to do some deep breaths, because that really helps me calm down”. We also talk about coloring or reading, or building yourself a fort with blankets and pillows, so kids have a place to take a break. I don’t ever send them to their ‘take a break’ place (a fort, teepee etc) it’s a place where the child feels safe to go on their own to calm down. I put a basket inside with books, toys, stuffed animals, etc and rotate the items every few weeks.

I’m not rewarding ‘bad’ behaviour, but I’m trying to model behaviour that helps children regular their behaviour. In the beginning they might destroy their fort, throw their basket, or just scream and follow me around the house. As long as they aren’t being violent, I completely ignore the behaviour and remind them that I am ready to (insert activity) once they calm down.

Once the children learn the coping skills of bresthibg exercises, a quiet place, colouring, etc I can often (in the middle of a melt down) say “I see that you’re feeling frustrated. Would you like me to help you calm down? Maybe we could do our breathing together or I can draw pictures for you to colour”. One of the children currently in my care has adhd and when she starts spinning, now she will run to me and just tell: “BREATHING!!!! I need breathing!!!!”. I will hold her in a tight hug and start counting down from ten, while I rub her back. Example (while taking long breaths): “1, 2, 3, 4, calming down, 5, 6, take a deep breath with me, 7, feeling calmer, 8, 9, and when we get to 10, breathing deeply and using our worlds”. Sometimes when we get to 10, she will softly say “I need more breathing”, so we count a few more, then stop. Additionally- When she is in a meltdown and comes to me crying and asking for breathing, I often ask “what number are you?” to indicate how upset she feels, and we start counting down from 7 or whatever number she feels.

I hope some of this is helpful! [/quote]

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