Where have we gone wrong, and how to do better going forward?

[Anonymous]

Your oldest kids are very close in age. They may have a reason to be grumpy. But at 6 and 5, their personalities are starting to blossom. You and your DH should never utter the words that you dislike your kids again. The kids know. Do better. Love them. Play with them.

[Anonymous]

NP. I'm also a SAHM, although in my case, to two. My oldest has gross motor delays and is frequently a whining, screaming, pounding crank. We are getting him all kinds of support but things didn't really get better until I started spending dedicated time with him on the weekends. This surprised me because I assumed that as a SAHM, he was getting plenty of my attention. But it's rarely just him and I. Now we have dates every weekend. We go hiking or to a museum or whatever. Just the two of us. He LOVES it. Makes everything else better.

[Anonymous]

A couple things that have helped us:

-Spending time apart. This isn’t a SAHM/WOHM comment at all. Do you have other kids over to play? Do drop off play dates at others’ homes? Are there other adults in their lives who hang out with them? Could be your families, church or school families, parents of their friends. My kids often improve when we all have some space from each other regularly.

-outside play time. Kids are like puppies. Mine need at least 2 hours of outside free play time most days.

-Bringing over friends. When we have over even one extra kid who isn’t related to us, everything improves.

That’s where I start when my three are in a rough patch.

[Anonymous]

Oh and another vote for 1:1 time with each kid. Mine are angels on those dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I was struck by your phrasing “they’ve been raised by us at home, no nanny or daycare.” This is phrased oddly, and I get the sense that this family structure is something you attach moral value to, that your kids don’t have care by anyone other than you. But what if for the particular kids you have, that family structure is not the best? What if you have kids who need a bit more social interaction, or a bit more interaction with caregivers who aren’t you? Is that something you could consider?

I ask because I do wonder if part of the grumpiness could be alleviated by more of a village. It’s devastating for a child to feel disliked by his parents, absolutely devastating. But one person was never meant to be the only or almost only adult figure in a child life. Humans are tribal by nature, with small communities being part of human child rearing for millennia. Could you put aside your moral views on childcare and consider an alternative?

I agree with this. Since OP and her DH clearly don’t like their son, maybe it’s time for him to spend time with other adults who might. Or with kids (through aftercare and camps). Bonus: absence makes the heart grow fonder

I’m the PP who wrote that, and I do not think they clearly dislike their son! But I do think that for a kid like OPs, more people will help.

I think personally that the SAH model can work beautifully for some kids, but for some kids, they and their parents need a larger circle. That is not “dislike” but it just means that for some people, needs can only be really met by a larger group. It’s normal and healthy, and it might help OP and her kid.

This. I didn’t feel particularly liked as a child. I felt like I bothered my SAHM. But she felt strongly about ever leaving me with “strangers.” Thing is, I would have very much benefited from having others in my life who liked me and gave me attention.

If the child is being isolated and micromanaged by the mom, then I’m sure it’s not helping his behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need a job. A career. Space and time away from your kid. Then when you spend quality time with your child, it will be much much better. There’s a reason why so many parents work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need a job. A career. Space and time away from your kid. Then when you spend quality time with your child, it will be much much better. There’s a reason why so many parents work.

I’ve been looking and looking for a new job for a few months now. I need to get out.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes as parents, we focus on the negatives. If you aren't already, start looking for the good things. Generally, people respond well to praise. My ADHD kid responds much better to positive rewards than negative consequences. Identify behaviors you want to encourage, and focus on those. Your kid is doing several things right every day - identify them and encourage him. When his younger sibling irritates him and he walks away, recognize he removed himself from an annoying situation and it was a smart move on his part. When he yells instead of hits, that he used his words well. When he talks instead of yells, that he managed his anger and expressed himself well... Find something. Focus on the positives so you can reframe your own perspective of your kid. He's a great little guy, he has a ton of positives, start building from there.

[Anonymous]

What are the positive activities that bring each of you joy? Are you spending enough time doing those things. I know it sounds basic but many times that is the underlying problem. Are you cultivating curiosity and creativity in your family? It sounds to me like a clear lack of creative outlets. All humans need to be creative in order to be fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Stop taking parenting advice from instagram and find an actual parenting class or coach that can work on your specific problems. You’re not going to get many good answers on dcum you need someone in real life that can come to your house and observe and talk through things. You need to figure out exactly what to tackle first, why it’s happening, and how to fix it together. I know you don’t want to hear this but it’s time for professional help. It’s great that you’re acknowledging this when they’re young because it’s so much easier to fix than when they’re older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need a job. A career. Space and time away from your kid. Then when you spend quality time with your child, it will be much much better. There’s a reason why so many parents work.

I’ve been looking and looking for a new job for a few months now. I need to get out.

Unless you’ve been out of the workforce for a decade, there is something wrong if you’ve been looking for a long time in this job market. Consider different jobs, work more on your resume, network etc. You can find a job and get the space you need. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My DD sounds like a combo of your 6 and 5 year old. I found that as her anxiety got better she was more pleasant/joyful. I honestly don't remember which books/sites I used but look into ways to respond to anxiety. And the same with the tantrums. I had to respond differently then you would typical kids (stay with them, reassure them). I would walk away and ignore. Also, spending one on one time - PCIT therapy type stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being too hard on yourself. Delete IG.

As for suggestions: Lots more physical activity for everyone, like long walks together as a family. Start traditions. Even silly ones. Let the kids make decisions, taking charge of small things. Empower them. And realize grumpy is a personality, too, and one you can love and even celebrate. Hug your grump tell him you love every grumpy part of him (even if you don’t in the moment) and appreciate his opinions. My grumpy child just turned 18, knowing he was accepted in all his grumpitude kept him engaged with the family and feeling like he had something to contribute, which lead to improvement in his behavior.

Yes. This is great advice.

Another thing is that, while personality is inherent, as time goes by, your grumpy kid will probably find something he likes. A sport, a musical instrument, chess, Legos. One great friend. That should make him loosen up a little bit. If it's really a PROBLEM, he can get services, in or out of school. But if it's just a character trait, then listen to this PP and learn to love him.

[Anonymous]

Stop following online mommy influencers. Get off IG.

Stop thinking church makes your kid a different person. We go to church on wednesdays and sundays, but it doesn’t make my kid perfect or a “cheerful giver.” At age 10, she thinks a lot of church is nonsense (and she isn’t all wrong despite the fact that we are active participants). There are also things she likes about church and some good lessons she learns there.

You need both more 1:1 time with this kid and your own time apart from this kid. Figure it out.

Talk to the developmental ped about medication. Don’t fail to give your kid this specific and important support. Anxiety May be playing a major role in this. I’m not even prone to anxiety but I got really angry with my hsuband yesterday over something that wasn’t that big of a deal because I’m super stressed about work. Adults have this issue — your expectations are way too high for a kid with anxiety that isn’t getting appropriate support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:05
OP here, I wrote that because I’ve been around DCUM for a loonnnngg time and I wanted to give info first, because people tend to immediately reply with “how much time do you spend with him?” “Is he in day care all day and never with you” etc etc so I wanted to just give info so it wasn’t asked where he lived and spent his time.

NP. This jumped out to me as well. You say your kid is ok at school...so perhaps too much time with you is actually a bad thing. Let him find some activities or things he finds joy in and then let him do them! Ask him what he wants to do. I happened to go to a great church for kids when I was younger but we haven't found one here that's like that, so our kids don't enjoy it as much as I did. He's six, so he's old enough to have some say in his life. Talk to him about things he wants to do, or pick up on things when he's doing something and seems happy and then make time for that activity. Also, delete IG and get off social media. Any time someone mentions that in one of their posts it's a clear and easy solution.