Reply to Husband doesn't believe his behavior is abusive

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think this is abusive.  It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.[/quote]

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this.  Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.  [/quote]

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.[/quote]

I run cold.  If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly.  I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true.  If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal.  It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this.  But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.[/quote]

Are you really this dense? It’s not about closing the windows or not going to the practice. It’s what he SAID. That’s what emotional abuse is.[/quote]

+1 And pp clearly doesn’t understand that while individually none of these examples might amount to emotional abuse, living with this behavior on a daily basis is definitely emotional abuse. Everyone has said something they regret. One rough comment isn’t abuse. However, dad telling his young children that he will starve or freeze or live in a bus shelter or the whole family will become homeless every time a family member irritates him is manipulative and abusive and will completely warp the kids’ sense of how stable, mature adults communicate. The man has no resilience.

OP, I don’t say this lightly (I did everything I could to save my marriage because I believe divorce is damaging to kids), but continuing to live this way will teach your children that this behavior is normal and something that isn’t a dealbreaker in a relationship. They will suffer some damage either way, but if you break the cycle, you will teach them that you don’t have to stay in a toxic relationship. You have a chance to give them an emotionally healthy, stable home life 50% of the time if you refuse to accept this lifestyle.[/quote]

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