Any Indian-American SAHMs out there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious how do most Indian Americans dual high power couples do it? I’m in medicine and know tons of dual physicians Indian Americans in tough subspecialties with multiple kids and always wondered how it works. How would your in laws ideally want you to set up your life?

I dont even have kids but I think it may be possible with the kind of joint living with in-laws or parents???

The Indian American dual physicians that I know don’t do joint living. They do get babysitting help from their parents but mostly they just outsource everything. Nannies/au pairs, house keepers, grocery delivery/ dinner out/ home made food ordered by aunties, etc.

That sounds exhausting. My husband has a pretty chill job and even I’m ready to SAHM despite my medical training. It all feels too much sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious how do most Indian Americans dual high power couples do it? I’m in medicine and know tons of dual physicians Indian Americans in tough subspecialties with multiple kids and always wondered how it works. How would your in laws ideally want you to set up your life?

I dont even have kids but I think it may be possible with the kind of joint living with in-laws or parents???

I have a lot couple friends like this and not a single one has a joint family living situation. The only exceptions I’ve been seeing recently (all in mid-late forties or early fifties couples) are when there is a single parent that is too old or too sick to care for themselves anymore. So now the couple takes care of them too.

Not a lot if outsourcing either. Definitely a house cleaner every couple weeks. Kids go to public and aftercare. When kids were very young, there was a nanny or back up sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious how do most Indian Americans dual high power couples do it? I’m in medicine and know tons of dual physicians Indian Americans in tough subspecialties with multiple kids and always wondered how it works. How would your in laws ideally want you to set up your life?

I dont even have kids but I think it may be possible with the kind of joint living with in-laws or parents???

The Indian American dual physicians that I know don’t do joint living. They do get babysitting help from their parents but mostly they just outsource everything. Nannies/au pairs, house keepers, grocery delivery/ dinner out/ home made food ordered by aunties, etc.

That sounds exhausting. My husband has a pretty chill job and even I’m ready to SAHM despite my medical training. It all feels too much sometimes.

Indian-American here who outsources a lot. I think that many of us have a different relationship to hiring help, since it's more common in India. So even though my parents couldn't afford as much help as they could have had in India, it's still just not as weird to pay someone to clean your house etc. DH is white, and it's taken him a little while to be as comfortable hiring help...though at some point he just realized that he'd be miserable (cuz I would be) if I SAH, and our lives would be miserable if we tried to do our jobs and also everything at home. We don't live near our parents nor are we part of a large Indian community, so we just pay a full time nanny/household manager even though both kids are in ES.

I'd also guess that you'll find that even with the dual power couples, there's still a disparity where one is, say, a surgeon with very long hours and the other is an opthalmologist who has much more flexible hours. DH and I aren't in medicine, but we have a similar balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I'm Eastern European and it's taboo for us too. It's a sign of being uneducated or poorly educated (low ranked college or only college). My mom has a PhD in a hard science and believes that SAH is akin to dementia, as the brain drops its plasticity by not being challenged enough. We're also used to hiring a lot of help and there is no shame in outsourcing any menial tasks. I have friends from high school who have never changed a diaper or cooked a meal and our kids are college aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

[Anonymous]

My friend in Loudoun. She has a side hustle and makes cakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

It’s not shameful at all. Indian/Pakistani immigrants are on average highly educated and the culture highly values ambition. My husband and I are Pakistani-American - he is a partner at a Big4 firm and I am an inhouse general counsel - we’re youngish with young kids (7 and 3). I love being a mom and all things kids, and while I sometimes debate whether I want to be a SAHM, I am proud of my career and I have little desire to step out of the workforce and work my up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

[Anonymous]

Desi mom here - not SAHM but I work part time - 3.5 days/week and am considering going to full SAHM. My part time salary would cover the cost of a nanny and preschool and leave not much else so I'm sort of wondering if I should make the move. OP - curious about how you like being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

It’s not shameful at all. Indian/Pakistani immigrants are on average highly educated and the culture highly values ambition. My husband and I are Pakistani-American - he is a partner at a Big4 firm and I am an inhouse general counsel - we’re youngish with young kids (7 and 3). I love being a mom and all things kids, and while I sometimes debate whether I want to be a SAHM, I am proud of my career and I have little desire to step out of the workforce and work my up again.

+1. My DC1 is in med school and has a ton of classmates who are Indian. All the moms are incredibly successful and scary smart. Can you imagine Vineeta Agrawal SAH?

[Anonymous]

Indian-American here: My parents sacrificed a lot (A LOT) for me and my siblings to get the best education, including degrees from top-ranked schools. There's no way in hell I'm going to waste their investment in me to stay at home. It would be a slap in the face to my parents who came from nothing, came here with nothing, and built this life for us.

I DO know Indian-American SAHMs, but most of them are about 10-15 years younger than me and their parents come from wealthy families so they came here with money and didn't have to make the sacrifices my parents' generation did, so it's not a big deal to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I'm Eastern European and it's taboo for us too. It's a sign of being uneducated or poorly educated (low ranked college or only college). My mom has a PhD in a hard science and believes that SAH is akin to dementia, as the brain drops its plasticity by not being challenged enough. We're also used to hiring a lot of help and there is no shame in outsourcing any menial tasks. I have friends from high school who have never changed a diaper or cooked a meal and our kids are college aged.

Indian-American here (from one of the Southern states) and I agree with this, at least the first part about SAHMs being viewed as poorly educated or lazy/unambitious.

It’s kind of sad, because unless you have plenty of help (especially family help), the children may suffer from lack of parental time, if both parents are running the rat race. I know I personally would seriously consider SAH if my parents weren’t so involved and supportive. So my advice to OP is, tell your in-laws to go F themselves unless they can provide enough support for you to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

NP Formula is done, but CIO and pacifiers are usually not done, in my opinion.