Any Indian-American SAHMs out there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread but... I am a working Indian woman with two kids. I am constantly judged my parents and aunts/uncles, snide remarks that my kids are in aftercare. I am the only mom in my large extended family who worked with kids in elem school. I'm sure my parents and aunts/uncles judged them too for not working.

My point is, you will always be judged no matter which choice you make. You can't win.

That’s really sad. Most of my cousins in my generation are well-educated and work, and we feel fully supported by our parents and like they’re proud of us for being accomplished

[Anonymous]

Sounds like these dual working couples make it work with lots of childcare help from their parents and in-laws.

So are you all expected to care for them when they get old and are unable to live independently one day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like these dual working couples make it work with lots of childcare help from their parents and in-laws.

So are you all expected to care for them when they get old and are unable to live independently one day?

Yes, or at least make sure they get good care. Some Indian parents don’t like to live with their children, even if they love them very much. Near is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like these dual working couples make it work with lots of childcare help from their parents and in-laws.

So are you all expected to care for them when they get old and are unable to live independently one day?

This is another reason why they force them to work. They want them to take care of them when they are older and more money means a better life for them. It's like the elephant in the room no one admits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like these dual working couples make it work with lots of childcare help from their parents and in-laws.

So are you all expected to care for them when they get old and are unable to live independently one day?

This is another reason why they force them to work. They want them to take care of them when they are older and more money means a better life for them. It's like the elephant in the room no one admits.

Seems like you come from a pretty uneducated/misogynistic family. It’s not like that everywhere FYI. My parents and ILs are very well set up for retirement and don’t need our $$, in fact they’re figuring out ways to pass their wealth onto us without burdening us with a bunch of assets in India that we have to maintain.

[Anonymous]

Not a SAHM but I write in solidarity because our community can be so judgy and harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like these dual working couples make it work with lots of childcare help from their parents and in-laws.

So are you all expected to care for them when they get old and are unable to live independently one day?

This is another reason why they force them to work. They want them to take care of them when they are older and more money means a better life for them. It's like the elephant in the room no one admits.

Seems like you come from a pretty uneducated/misogynistic family. It’s not like that everywhere FYI. My parents and ILs are very well set up for retirement and don’t need our $$, in fact they’re figuring out ways to pass their wealth onto us without burdening us with a bunch of assets in India that we have to maintain.

NP You are fortunate to have parents/IL with such forethought. That is not the norm. Count your blessings.
- someone who's parents and IL's have bequeathed them many assets that will take a lot of work for us to dispose of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

This is the reason most Indian parents don't want their daughters to become SAHMs. They fear the in-laws will treat her with total disrespect and expect her to be available at all times for any reason because her job has become to serve the family.

+2 this has been my experience as well, unfortunately.

+3 I got so tired of the constant negative talk from MIL. When she was diagnosed with dementia and no longer recognized me, I breathed a sigh of relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like these dual working couples make it work with lots of childcare help from their parents and in-laws.

So are you all expected to care for them when they get old and are unable to live independently one day?

This is another reason why they force them to work. They want them to take care of them when they are older and more money means a better life for them. It's like the elephant in the room no one admits.

Seems like you come from a pretty uneducated/misogynistic family. It’s not like that everywhere FYI. My parents and ILs are very well set up for retirement and don’t need our $$, in fact they’re figuring out ways to pass their wealth onto us without burdening us with a bunch of assets in India that we have to maintain.

NP You are fortunate to have parents/IL with such forethought. That is not the norm. Count your blessings.
- someone who's parents and IL's have bequeathed them many assets that will take a lot of work for us to dispose of

I think you're wrong. Most Indian families I know have very well off parents who are planning for their retirement. There is a divide amongst Indian-American families - the professionals who came for education (engineers, doctors mostly) and those whose families brought them owner (business/hospitality owners and service workers). Sounds like you and the first PP have the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like these dual working couples make it work with lots of childcare help from their parents and in-laws.

So are you all expected to care for them when they get old and are unable to live independently one day?

This is another reason why they force them to work. They want them to take care of them when they are older and more money means a better life for them. It's like the elephant in the room no one admits.

Seems like you come from a pretty uneducated/misogynistic family. It’s not like that everywhere FYI. My parents and ILs are very well set up for retirement and don’t need our $$, in fact they’re figuring out ways to pass their wealth onto us without burdening us with a bunch of assets in India that we have to maintain.

NP You are fortunate to have parents/IL with such forethought. That is not the norm. Count your blessings.
- someone who's parents and IL's have bequeathed them many assets that will take a lot of work for us to dispose of

I think you're wrong. Most Indian families I know have very well off parents who are planning for their retirement. There is a divide amongst Indian-American families - the professionals who came for education (engineers, doctors mostly) and those whose families brought them owner (business/hospitality owners and service workers). Sounds like you and the first PP have the latter.

No, you are mistaken and a little snotty. The very educated parents are just control freaks who can't imagine not being around to take care of things for their family, until an untimely illness proves them wrong. It's just ego. Don't you know any Indians like that, regardless of educational background?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[quot=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

Most Indian parents don't want their daughters to become SAHMs. They fear the in-laws will treat her with total disrespect and expect her to be available for any reason because her job has es to serve the family.

+2 this has been my experience as well, unfortunately.

I am white married to an Indian. We live in Ashburn. There are a lot of Indian immigrant stay-at-home moms here! Some stay home because they want to, and others don't have a work visa. I have made some great friends. My husband plays cricket in the warmer months. It's been an excellent way for him to make friends. Our children have been exposed to south Asians. You could look into joining a south asian mommy group. I understand a little about the in-law craziness. My in-laws have been great, but I've heard some crazy stories. The craziest, meanest ones have been from Pakistan. If my in-laws were like that, I wouldn't answer my phone.
Focus on what you need to be happy,y, stress-free, best mom. My husband puts pressure on me to do too much. I think it is cultural for sure. I've learned to tell him to STFU and hire help. Good luck, OP! Hang in there. There are good and bad days.

What stories have you heard?

A lot stories of husbands and moms telling husbands NOT to help with housework. They have this mentality that the daughter-in-law should suffer as much as they did, I guess? There are some crazy stories in my husband's family, too, of the bride's parents demanding money, large wedding, and refusing to have the bride join the husband's family unless these things are done. Note this is AFTER the marriage has taken place. I don't know much because my husband's family lives abroad. When we visit, I feel suffocated. No one leaves me alone. Knock on my door even when I try to get a moment to myself. If my in-laws were constantly calling me, that would drive me nuts. My mother in law never calls me.

Isn't dowry demanded by the bridegroom's family in India?

[Anonymous]

I'm Indian and work but one of my friends from high school in India lives here too and is a SAHM. She has a PhD too! I also am friends with an Indian American woman who's a doctor, but stays at home because her husband has a very demanding job in a different area.
I think it's rare. Most desi women I know are ambitious in their careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian American from with three Ivy League degrees and my mother would be thrilled for me to SAHM. She thinks I’m failing my kids with the help raising them, haha.

But that’s because she wants me to hire her friend’s daughter’s Indian former housekeeper/nanny/everything else for $150K a year. She just doesn’t think a non-Indian person can raise a kid right.

I think it’s because I’m a lawyer though. Sister is a doctor and I think they’d be sad if she stopped working.

Similarly educated and degreed Indian American lawyer here and my mom is the same - I think she’d prefer me to be a SAHM or at least part time. But in general the legal world doesn’t allow for flexibility that way, and plus I’m not sure I’d want to be on that track anyway. OP do whatever works for you and don’t worry about your in laws, they will have to deal.

PP here and this is great advice. You do you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like these dual working couples make it work with lots of childcare help from their parents and in-laws.

So are you all expected to care for them when they get old and are unable to live independently one day?

This is another reason why they force them to work. They want them to take care of them when they are older and more money means a better life for them. It's like the elephant in the room no one admits.

Seems like you come from a pretty uneducated/misogynistic family. It’s not like that everywhere FYI. My parents and ILs are very well set up for retirement and don’t need our $$, in fact they’re figuring out ways to pass their wealth onto us without burdening us with a bunch of assets in India that we have to maintain.

NP You are fortunate to have parents/IL with such forethought. That is not the norm. Count your blessings.
- someone who's parents and IL's have bequeathed them many assets that will take a lot of work for us to dispose of

I wonder how you know what is the norm or not 😀 To me, my situation is “the norm” - it’s what I see among my relatives and friends, with a few exceptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[quot=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

Most Indian parents don't want their daughters to become SAHMs. They fear the in-laws will treat her with total disrespect and expect her to be available for any reason because her job has es to serve the family.

+2 this has been my experience as well, unfortunately.

I am white married to an Indian. We live in Ashburn. There are a lot of Indian immigrant stay-at-home moms here! Some stay home because they want to, and others don't have a work visa. I have made some great friends. My husband plays cricket in the warmer months. It's been an excellent way for him to make friends. Our children have been exposed to south Asians. You could look into joining a south asian mommy group. I understand a little about the in-law craziness. My in-laws have been great, but I've heard some crazy stories. The craziest, meanest ones have been from Pakistan. If my in-laws were like that, I wouldn't answer my phone.
Focus on what you need to be happy,y, stress-free, best mom. My husband puts pressure on me to do too much. I think it is cultural for sure. I've learned to tell him to STFU and hire help. Good luck, OP! Hang in there. There are good and bad days.

What stories have you heard?

A lot stories of husbands and moms telling husbands NOT to help with housework. They have this mentality that the daughter-in-law should suffer as much as they did, I guess? There are some crazy stories in my husband's family, too, of the bride's parents demanding money, large wedding, and refusing to have the bride join the husband's family unless these things are done. Note this is AFTER the marriage has taken place. I don't know much because my husband's family lives abroad. When we visit, I feel suffocated. No one leaves me alone. Knock on my door even when I try to get a moment to myself. If my in-laws were constantly calling me, that would drive me nuts. My mother in law never calls me.

Isn't dowry demanded by the bridegroom's family in India?

NP Again, it depends on the region, the socioeconomic class, and often the family itself. But the overall dowry trend is declining, thank goodness!