Any Indian-American SAHMs out there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-American here: My parents sacrificed a lot (A LOT) for me and my siblings to get the best education, including degrees from top-ranked schools. There's no way in hell I'm going to waste their investment in me to stay at home. It would be a slap in the face to my parents who came from nothing, came here with nothing, and built this life for us.

I DO know Indian-American SAHMs, but most of them are about 10-15 years younger than me and their parents come from wealthy families so they came here with money and didn't have to make the sacrifices my parents' generation did, so it's not a big deal to them.

OP here. I think this PP pretty much summed up how SAHMs are perceived in my family. Wasting their parents’ investment. My fil and father were engineers so pretty middle class, but they worked hard to send their children to good universities. Staying at home after that is not viewed favorably.

You only live once, and it’s your life to live. Do what’s best for you, your spouse and your kids, whatever that choice would be.

This is a very individualist American perspective.

She is American, and this is an American forum. She can make her own choices. Indian culture likes to bully big life choices. Being a mom is already filled with self-doubt. We're constantly sold stuff we need to buy to be a good mom. If OP wants to be happy, she needs to eliminate self-doubt. She needs to go to work every day or take care of her family. Her parents or n laws can't live her life for her. Shes a grown adult. She decided to stop working. It isn't always going to be easy, but who cares. Remind yourself why you are doing this.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

Why no CIO? How does a dual income family make it with no sleep?

This is where the help or the grandparents step in. I'm the EE and in my culture CIO damages the brain. Also pacifiers and bottles result in buck teeth and formula will create gigantic heads, which are considered unattractive. Our former nanny is African, and in her culture CIO is also not a recommended practice. Both my mom (in EE), and her, in Eastern Africa, were weaned on goat milk and both gave my kids goat milk after 12 months. In both cultures the communication led potty training is huge.

? is this based on scientific data or just cultural? If it's not based on scientific data, then it's kind of ironic that a culture that supposedly values educated moms would believe in old wives' tales.

Or maybe, your definition of CIO is "let them cry for hours and hours until they fall asleep"? That's not how CIO is supposed to work, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

+1 CIO would be a no-go, but pacifiers and formula are widely used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

Why no CIO? How does a dual income family make it with no sleep?

The kids sleep with us. Totally normal in Indian households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sahm here who is married to a physician. We have two young kids and the daily grind was getting to be too much so I have decided to stay home-at least for a few years. I’m still trying to find my community but it seems like every desi couple we know are dual high powered couples (both doctors/ bankers/ attorneys combos) And on top of that my in-laws are making me feel like a failure because I opted out of the rat race.
Are there any liked minded Indian Americans out there and where can I find them?

It might be hard for you to gel with those unicorns, since you are a PhD yourself.

If an Indian American girl was recognized to be good at studies, her family has encouraged her from elementary school to get a high-powered career. The ones who are SAHM are going to be the ones who did not study well or they are from a religious background, mostly Muslims. Honest opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sahm here who is married to a physician. We have two young kids and the daily grind was getting to be too much so I have decided to stay home-at least for a few years. I’m still trying to find my community but it seems like every desi couple we know are dual high powered couples (both doctors/ bankers/ attorneys combos) And on top of that my in-laws are making me feel like a failure because I opted out of the rat race.
Are there any liked minded Indian Americans out there and where can I find them?

It might be hard for you to gel with those unicorns, since you are a PhD yourself.

If an Indian American girl was recognized to be good at studies, her family has encouraged her from elementary school to get a high-powered career. The ones who are SAHM are going to be the ones who did not study well or are from a religious background, mostly Muslims. Honest opinion.

I am not sure what you mean by they didn't study well, but you're on to something. Careers have become a religion for some. Muslims tend to value stay-at-home moms more than career life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I'm Eastern European and it's taboo for us too. It's a sign of being uneducated or poorly educated (low ranked college or only college). My mom has a PhD in a hard science and believes that SAH is akin to dementia, as the brain drops its plasticity by not being challenged enough. We're also used to hiring a lot of help and there is no shame in outsourcing any menial tasks. I have friends from high school who have never changed a diaper or cooked a meal and our kids are college aged.

This sounds so Eastern European. my husband is EE and one of my closest friends is as well... they both have mothers who are well established in the hard sciences (physician and scientist) and also can't understand staying at home -- I honestly think it is related those women coming of age during communism and adhering to the value of everyone contributing to the workforce.

FWIW -- OP, I'm Indian American (though not AT ALL traditional), married to an Eastern European Electrical Engineer (EEEE, lol). I stayed home with my kids when they were babies, though I also freelanced and then wrote a book. The closest friend I made during that time is a white american who had a PhD but also stayed home (she is actually married to an Indian American physician), though now she is starting a business. Take that all for what it is. There are lots of paths. Do what feels right to you and you'll find your people. Don't worry about judgement.

All of the parents (my IA parents, my EE MIL) were really, really happy that I stayed home when the kids were babies, but always held the expectation that I would work again once they were 3+. I do think kids to benefit from a SAH mom when they are really young. After that, it's debatable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

Why no CIO? How does a dual income family make it with no sleep?

We did CIO, my siblings did CIO, all my friends did CIO. That PP is different, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-American here: My parents sacrificed a lot (A LOT) for me and my siblings to get the best education, including degrees from top-ranked schools. There's no way in hell I'm going to waste their investment in me to stay at home. It would be a slap in the face to my parents who came from nothing, came here with nothing, and built this life for us.

I DO know Indian-American SAHMs, but most of them are about 10-15 years younger than me and their parents come from wealthy families so they came here with money and didn't have to make the sacrifices my parents' generation did, so it's not a big deal to them.

OP here. I think this PP pretty much summed up how SAHMs are perceived in my family. Wasting their parents’ investment. My fil and father were engineers so pretty middle class, but they worked hard to send their children to good universities. Staying at home after that is not viewed favorably.

I think this answers your question then - most of them don't want to waste the blood, sweat, and tears our parents put into giving us a good life. But you need to do what works for you. Personally, I just mommy tracked a little so I can have a more flexible schedule and we don't struggle at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you needed to mention anything about your husband being a physician. Are you like this in real life? My husband is also a physician, but I rarely, if ever, bring it up.

NP. In the context of this post, I am going to assume that saying physician is shorthand for sometimes long, not flexible hours, taking call. Not a lot of travel. Can’t do much work from home, usually needs to be at office or hospital. Invested many years in this path and cannot change careers very easily, depending on the specialty.
If the OP hadn’t said so, other posters would be all over her asking- what does your husband do that he can’t change jobs or help more at home?
Extra details help paint a picture. It was your post PP that was useless.
OP, i agree I don’t know many “Indian-American” moms who SAH but I am sure you could find friends and support even if you needed to branch outside your usual circle. Do what is best for your family.

IA with this, as the doctors have very inflexible schedules but also great and stable incomes after the debt is paid, if there's any. It's relevant IMO.

Meh. I'm Indian-American with two physician parents and a physician late-FIL. Of all the professional people I know, doctors whine the most about how demanding and inflexible their schedules are while at the same time they have by far the best possible work-life balance relative to the incomes they earn. I literally had one of my parents' physician friends say to my face when he learned I was applying to get a PhD and not to med school, "Oh, you don't want to work hard."

Anyway, for whatever reason, everyone in the circle of physicians loves to think they are the hardest working people on earth. DH and I both have PhDs and work in industry. DH has a much more demanding role than I do. From what I've observed, the people who work the most are business execs like DH (and technically me, though I'm not an exec in a revenue-critical role). That doesn't mean, by a long shot, that they are doing the most valuable work...but in terms of long hours and inflexibility. I guess more demanding and less flexible is BigLaw, but much of the legal industry allows for a reasonable amount of balance.

[Anonymous]

I’m an Indian American mom who’s worked in nonprofits and government. When I was unemployed felt terrible. I don’t have a high earner partner. I didn’t embrace the sAHM status since my kids were in middle and upper elementary and didn’t need me as much… my unemployment mostly coincided with the pandemic and my self esteem was low. I don’t know too many shams— the one I am close to has a dr husband, is not Indian, and just launched an amazing cause-related company. So i felt hopeless and lazy. Now that I am working and have a busy job at a high profile org, my brain has bounced back. I feel a million times better.

[Anonymous]

Seek out other stay at home moms - don’t worry about what race/culture they are. That is one of the wonderful things about this area - you will get exposure to all sorts of cultures. Keep your culture by going to dinners, etc, with your Indian friends.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m married to an Indian American and when I decided to stay home for a few years his parents expected me to be available to face time them multiple times a day because “that’s your job now”. As you could guess, we don’t have the best relationship now 🥴

[Anonymous]

Not in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

Why no CIO? How does a dual income family make it with no sleep?

The kids sleep with us. Totally normal in Indian households.

+1.