Any Indian-American SAHMs out there?

[Anonymous]

My husband is Bangladeshi, and I am a white stay-at-home mom. It's very typical in his culture for women not to work. My advice is to care less about whatever your parents, in-laws, and DCUMs think about your choices. Your kids are only young ONCE. You have options a lot of women don't have. I think Indians are too obsessed with career life. It comes across as judgemental, and I don't think it makes anyone genuinely happy to be that obsessed. Since you know it's not as common, find friends that aren't Indian. It's not a Desi thing. It's more of an Indian item. I know a ton of Pakistani and Bangladeshi stay-at-home moms in this area. A lot of stay-at-home moms tend to be religious. They find other stay-at-home moms at church, temple, mouse, etc. Lighten up and find friends that gasp might not be highly educated.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

Why no CIO? How does a dual income family make it with no sleep?

[Anonymous]

PP here with the SAHM SIL.

Of my working-mom Indian American friends, childcare ranged from daycare (home and big centers) to nannies to grandparents, just like my other working-mom friends.

Making broad, sweeping generalizations — the Indian style of child-rearing, at least from the older generation, doesn’t focus on a lot of “enrichment” for younger (under 3 or so) babies/toddlers. It’s more coddling, almost attachment style, but not necessarily from the mother — anyone who is caring and loving can do that. Therefore, it’s not seen as something that has to be done by a highly educated mom.

[Anonymous]

This is slightly off topic, but OP and others might be interested in the book What We Carry https://www.amazon.com/What-Carry-Maya-Shanbhag-Lang/dp/0525512411/ref=asc_df_0525512411/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=508953752346&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4122738250390666875&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015342&hvtargid=pla-1295533220360&psc=1 .

Memoir by Indian American who drives herself crazy trying to be an accomplished working mom like her doctor mother, then finds out that her mom actually sent her back to India (I think?) while she established her career.

[Anonymous]

My kids are older now but I stayed home with them for a long time. My mom would still introduce me as a lawyer even when was home for many years!

I was born in America so my feelings on this are not directly tied to Indian customs (just through family and family friends) and I am not plugged in to the local Indian community. I loved staying home with my kids and am so happy I was able to. They are teens now and my time with them is almost done and I will miss them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

I'm not one of the Desi posters, I'm the EE one. Sorry if I didn't make it clear in the post.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a White sahm and curious why it’s so rare in the Indian community. If your DH makes enough as a ‘physician/banker/attorney’ why not sahm for a few years at least? I don’t get the shame in it.

I also don’t think it’s shameful in the least, however Indian woman who are older had very little choice in their lives and often had to make great sacrifices. They want THEIR daughters to shoot for the stars. My MIL is Indian and is still bitter about all she had to give up.

+1 my mom was a SAHM and she'd never want me to be. She'd be really disappointed frankly. Too many opportunities they worked hard to provide me with and so much education they paid for...

But what about spending the early years enriching a child rather than sending them to a daycare with underpaid young poor women?

We don't send the kids to KinderCare - We had a nanny with a BA in childhood education. I can't speak for the desi culture but in mine, care by professionals or maternal grandparents is considered the best. There are things that are acceptable in the American culture - formula, pacifiers, CIO - that are deal breakers there. Giving your child formula makes you a bad mom, but leaving the baby with the nanny or grandparents to go take care of yourself is encouraged and admired. It's a totally different mindset.

Um, what? You are totally wrong about formula, pacifiers, CIO. My mom and her friends encouraged all of those things, LOL. My kids went to an in-home daycare, then they went to preschool. That's pretty typical among the Indian-American families I know.

Why no CIO? How does a dual income family make it with no sleep?

This is where the help or the grandparents step in. I'm the EE and in my culture CIO damages the brain. Also pacifiers and bottles result in buck teeth and formula will create gigantic heads, which are considered unattractive. Our former nanny is African, and in her culture CIO is also not a recommended practice. Both my mom (in EE), and her, in Eastern Africa, were weaned on goat milk and both gave my kids goat milk after 12 months. In both cultures the communication led potty training is huge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian-American here: My parents sacrificed a lot (A LOT) for me and my siblings to get the best education, including degrees from top-ranked schools. There's no way in hell I'm going to waste their investment in me to stay at home. It would be a slap in the face to my parents who came from nothing, came here with nothing, and built this life for us.

I DO know Indian-American SAHMs, but most of them are about 10-15 years younger than me and their parents come from wealthy families so they came here with money and didn't have to make the sacrifices my parents' generation did, so it's not a big deal to them.

OP here. I think this PP pretty much summed up how SAHMs are perceived in my family. Wasting their parents’ investment. My fil and father were engineers so pretty middle class, but they worked hard to send their children to good universities. Staying at home after that is not viewed favorably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-American here: My parents sacrificed a lot (A LOT) for me and my siblings to get the best education, including degrees from top-ranked schools. There's no way in hell I'm going to waste their investment in me to stay at home. It would be a slap in the face to my parents who came from nothing, came here with nothing, and built this life for us.

I DO know Indian-American SAHMs, but most of them are about 10-15 years younger than me and their parents come from wealthy families so they came here with money and didn't have to make the sacrifices my parents' generation did, so it's not a big deal to them.

OP here. I think this PP pretty much summed up how SAHMs are perceived in my family. Wasting their parents’ investment. My fil and father were engineers so pretty middle class, but they worked hard to send their children to good universities. Staying at home after that is not viewed favorably.

You only live once, and it’s your life to live. Do what’s best for you, your spouse and your kids, whatever that choice would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? I know of many in Loudoun.

THIS. My friend lived in Loudoun in a community that is FULL of Indian-American SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Friend lives in Ashburn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-American here: My parents sacrificed a lot (A LOT) for me and my siblings to get the best education, including degrees from top-ranked schools. There's no way in hell I'm going to waste their investment in me to stay at home. It would be a slap in the face to my parents who came from nothing, came here with nothing, and built this life for us.

I DO know Indian-American SAHMs, but most of them are about 10-15 years younger than me and their parents come from wealthy families so they came here with money and didn't have to make the sacrifices my parents' generation did, so it's not a big deal to them.

OP here. I think this PP pretty much summed up how SAHMs are perceived in my family. Wasting their parents’ investment. My fil and father were engineers so pretty middle class, but they worked hard to send their children to good universities. Staying at home after that is not viewed favorably.

You only live once, and it’s your life to live. Do what’s best for you, your spouse and your kids, whatever that choice would be.

This is a very individualist American prospective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-American here: My parents sacrificed a lot (A LOT) for me and my siblings to get the best education, including degrees from top-ranked schools. There's no way in hell I'm going to waste their investment in me to stay at home. It would be a slap in the face to my parents who came from nothing, came here with nothing, and built this life for us.

I DO know Indian-American SAHMs, but most of them are about 10-15 years younger than me and their parents come from wealthy families so they came here with money and didn't have to make the sacrifices my parents' generation did, so it's not a big deal to them.

OP here. I think this PP pretty much summed up how SAHMs are perceived in my family. Wasting their parents’ investment. My fil and father were engineers so pretty middle class, but they worked hard to send their children to good universities. Staying at home after that is not viewed favorably.

You only live once, and it’s your life to live. Do what’s best for you, your spouse and your kids, whatever that choice would be.

It’s actually for that reason that many *do* work. It’s viewed as short-term stress (when kids are little) for long-term gain (well-funded college and retirement accounts). Most 1st or 2nd gen Indian-Americans aren’t going to receive huge inheritances to help with those.

[Anonymous]

I stayed at home. My kids are HS age now. My husband became successful to the point that it didn’t make sense to us for me to work. But we are rare among our friends, whether they grew up here or not, all the women work. The husband could be pulling in $5 mil per year and the wife will be working a $30k job. I don’t get it, but it’s important to them to have something going so I totally respect it. And hope but honestly don’t care much of they respect my choice. Older Indian women are the harshest to me about not working, including my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed at home. My kids are HS age now. My husband became successful to the point that it didn’t make sense to us for me to work. But we are rare among our friends, whether they grew up here or not, all the women work. The husband could be pulling in $5 mil per year and the wife will be working a $30k job. I don’t get it, but it’s important to them to have something going so I totally respect it. And hope but honestly don’t care much of they respect my choice. Older Indian women are the harshest to me about not working, including my mother.

Ha! That was my mom, except on a much lower scale. They happened to fill out FAFSA for college and I saw it. I found out my dad was making around $200k and my mom was making $25k.