Weird situation with new neighbor from high school - WWYD

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of this is a matter of immaturity and perspective. Sometimes we think the "popular kids" are excluding us, but many don't see themselves as popular or desirable and wouldn't realize that they are part of some in group. People may assume they are ignoring them or being rude when they're just seeking their familiar friends.

--never the cool-kid, but currently a parent and a teacher

[Anonymous]

It’s obvious you were a mean girl OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should trash her on DCUM. Then, IRL, let it go.

LOL

Sounds like it’s her problem not yours but seriously, that was an unusually long and detailed post that kinda comes across like a public shaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write her a note.
"I am sorry that I had a negative impact on you in high school. If you would like to talk, I am hear to listen. Happy to try for a fresh start. Welcome to the neighborhood."
- Jenny

You not remembering doesn't mean it didn't happen..You seem more worried about your rep in the community than the fact that you could have really done damage to.someone during a vulnerable time.

I agree approaching your children is bad and not ok. If it was a one off thing to try and get your attention, bad but move on. If she keeps it up, you need to address it.

Ew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should trash her on DCUM. Then, IRL, let it go.

LOL

Sounds like it’s her problem not yours but seriously, that was an unusually long and detailed post that kinda comes across like a public shaming.

It is OPs problem - she bullied this woman in high school and needs to take responsibility. OP should be shamed, not the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would really like to know some specifics about what I did to her. I would listen sincerely. If she has concrete examples, apologize but don't make a big deal out of it. Be the bigger person going forward, but if she continues to be a jerk, just ignore her.

Right. Does she come with receipts to back up the accusations? The OP doesn't remember doing anything to this person. Why automatically believe the neighbor? Maybe she is confusing OP with someone else, or maybe someone in OP's social circle in HS was mean to her, and the new neighbor is simply blaming OP by association. Either way, it's inappropriate to say something to OP's kids and to everyone else in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would really like to know some specifics about what I did to her. I would listen sincerely. If she has concrete examples, apologize but don't make a big deal out of it. Be the bigger person going forward, but if she continues to be a jerk, just ignore her.

Right. Does she come with receipts to back up the accusations? The OP doesn't remember doing anything to this person. Why automatically believe the neighbor? Maybe she is confusing OP with someone else, or maybe someone in OP's social circle in HS was mean to her, and the new neighbor is simply blaming OP by association. Either way, it's inappropriate to say something to OP's kids and to everyone else in the neighborhood.

We all agree the neighbor was wrong to speak to the kids. However, OP would be well advised to approach the neighbor and try to clear the air. I think if she and the neighbor sat down for awhile and talked it through, they would end up in a much better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are dealing with a true CRAZY. Don’t apologize. Don’t write a note. Watch out because she is NUTS. HS was a long time ago and you don’t even remember this psycho.

You were obviously a mean girl in high school too, just like OP. Bullies don’t realize or care about the lasting harm they cause. Bullies are the true “psychos”

Yup. And anyone who dares to actually remember their crappy behavior is NUTS.

Well it was decades ago. Time to move on and live in the present. People stuck in the past reliving high school have issues. Seems neighbor still hasn’t learned behave in a socially acceptable manner. The other neighbors will figure it out soon enough.

Right...they have issues because horrible people like OP caused them to. And for those of you asking how we know OP was at fault: you can just read it in her original post. She's an arrogant mean girl, to this day, who lives in denial about the hurt and pain she has caused other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of this is a matter of immaturity and perspective. Sometimes we think the "popular kids" are excluding us, but many don't see themselves as popular or desirable and wouldn't realize that they are part of some in group. People may assume they are ignoring them or being rude when they're just seeking their familiar friends.

--never the cool-kid, but currently a parent and a teacher

While that might be true in some situations, it is not true in others. I have a hard time believing that someone would hold onto this for so long if it was merely a perception of being excluded from the "cool kids" group. While, yes, that happens, most people get over it when they find their own people.

But from what OP has told us, it sounds like these girls actually did something beyond just failing to include this woman in their clique. Having trouble fitting in or feeling excluded is an extremely normal part of growing up that the vast majority of people experience at some point. Being bullied is not.

I would also note that I have learned a lot about relational aggression in the last few years and it's really opened my eyes to how bullying actually occurs (instead of the after school special idea I had of it before). Relational aggression absolutely is bullying (not just "seeking familiar friends") but it can fly under the adult radar because it's not overt at all. It's a group of girls spreading a rumor about the target but being very pleasant to her face or even commiserating with her about it. It's promising an invite to a birthday party and then at the last minute saying "We decided to just do my best friends instead" and excluding. Often adults look at it and think "Well, it's not really bullying it's just kids sorting themselves into groups," but it's not true -- it can be devastating for kids and is the kind of thing I absolutely can imagine would impact someone well into adulthood.

It's entirely possible this woman has other mental health issue and of course OP should be careful especially given that she approached her kids. But assuming that OP didn't do anything wrong simply because she doesn't remember it, or because you've seen kids feel excluded by accident, seems unlikely in this specific situation. People don't carry stuff decades into adulthood when it was really nothing at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would really like to know some specifics about what I did to her. I would listen sincerely. If she has concrete examples, apologize but don't make a big deal out of it. Be the bigger person going forward, but if she continues to be a jerk, just ignore her.

Right. Does she come with receipts to back up the accusations? The OP doesn't remember doing anything to this person. Why automatically believe the neighbor? Maybe she is confusing OP with someone else, or maybe someone in OP's social circle in HS was mean to her, and the new neighbor is simply blaming OP by association. Either way, it's inappropriate to say something to OP's kids and to everyone else in the neighborhood.

We all agree the neighbor was wrong to speak to the kids. However, OP would be well advised to approach the neighbor and try to clear the air. I think if she and the neighbor sat down for awhile and talked it through, they would end up in a much better place.

I really do hope this is what happens. I was fortunately never bullied in high school but was bullied by a friend and colleague as an adult at one point. I think having this happen as an adult is a lot easier because I had a lot more perspective and resources than I would have in high school. But it is still this awful black spot on my past and I remember at the time asking if this woman would just have coffee with me so that we could talk through what happened. Basically all I wanted was the opportunity to explain why her behavior had been so hurtful and maybe have that hurt acknowledged in some way. But she absolutely refused (I think she was embarrassed about her behavior on some level and didn't want to have to think about it). It's a shame because I think it would have been healthier for both of us to clear the air. I know it still bothers her because of how she behaves when our paths cross, and a big part of me thinks that I gave her a chance to address it and she spit on it, so tough sh*t.

[Anonymous]

I would apologize for anything you may have done in high school (sounds like you had a social circle and she was unpopular and awkward, so you may not remember) and say you hope you can get to known one another better as neighbors. It's probably something you don't remember but may have affected her for years.

It's still awkward of her to bring up how you treated her in high school, but she hasn't learned not to do that yet.

[Anonymous]

And, I still have people I really dislike from high school. If I accidently moved into their neighborhood, I would avoid them and only speak to them or about them when necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would really like to know some specifics about what I did to her. I would listen sincerely. If she has concrete examples, apologize but don't make a big deal out of it. Be the bigger person going forward, but if she continues to be a jerk, just ignore her.

Right. Does she come with receipts to back up the accusations? The OP doesn't remember doing anything to this person. Why automatically believe the neighbor? Maybe she is confusing OP with someone else, or maybe someone in OP's social circle in HS was mean to her, and the new neighbor is simply blaming OP by association. Either way, it's inappropriate to say something to OP's kids and to everyone else in the neighborhood.

We all agree the neighbor was wrong to speak to the kids. However, OP would be well advised to approach the neighbor and try to clear the air. I think if she and the neighbor sat down for awhile and talked it through, they would end up in a much better place.

With someone who has been holding a grudge for years? Tracked down the kids to lecture them? Yeah. Time to move.

[Anonymous]

This is why we need to teach our children to be kind. Mean kids in high school scar their victims for life. While you may not remember your cruelty to this person, she does. You should apologize to her, genuinely. I am guessing you were mean to other people, too, not just her. Reflect on your viciousness and think about what you have learned since then that changed your behavior. You still sound mean, quite honestly.

[Anonymous]

She’s doing an excellent job of putting people off by how she’s acting and what she’s saying. I wouldn’t worry about it. If people ask you about it I’d very casually respond with how strange you think it is and that you really have no memory of her at all.