Weird situation with new neighbor from high school - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a tremendous amount of empathy for this woman, who is probably neurodivergent, as I am.

But this woman's handling of it all is still massively inappropriate. I bet OP didn't do anything directly (it's her "whole group of friends") and regardless, this is not the way to bring it up.

Based on experience, if the OP makes some conciliatory gesture, the woman will forgive her and then glom onto her (social awkwardness) and talk sh--- about other people instead.

Which may just be how it goes. I do believe in being a good person, regardless of negative/awkward consequences.

But I think those of you imagining a mean girl crew and some sort of Carrie incident are way off. I'm not one to say, "Oh, it was high school, who cares?" But I have also experienced running into a number of my HS classmates who at least said something cutting to me, or whom I thought didn't like me/excluded me*, and they were genuinely nice to me, clearly didn't remember those incidents, and/or told me things like, "Oh, I always admired you so much! You were so cool because [actual thing that I did]." The classmate is very likely holding onto things that-- while hurtful at the time!-- could be worked through. And again, I don't say that lightly, and it doesn't necessarily apply to serious bullying. But as a neurodivergent "socially awkward" person, I can say it's very probably that's not what was going on.


*When you have ADHD/ASD, this kind of stuff creates the perfect storm. First, you often have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria-- so you can either perceive malice/rejection when it's not there, or exaggerate it when it is. And you may have a long-term memory like a steel trap for these things, and perseverate on them, when others have long forgotten them. Even without perseveration, the memory thing applies to all kinds of innocuous stuff-- people think you are obsessed with things you just... remember, without having to try. And of course, you likely are socially awkward, so there is some truth to all of this... and that may lead you to saying inappropriate, invasive things. It's tough. I am all for ND folks' quirks being more accepted and not having to mask so much for NT people, but the way this woman is handling herself is just unacceptable. It can be met with some kindness and understanding of where it's coming from-- I don't think she means to be scary nor an a-hole-- but it's also something she needs to work on.

I agree with this whole post except think the bolded is not really something you can conclude. As you say, often people who are ND just remember events, especially moments of rejection or hurt, for a long time. It's entirely possible OP did and said unkind things to this woman in high school, and while this woman remembers them with excruciating recall, for OP they are just part of the blur of adolescents and all the heightened behavior and emotions that are common during that time.

It's clear this woman has issues that deserve both empathy and caution. However, you forget one aspect of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria that is very common -- you can simply be very sensitive to real (not imagined) rejection. Doesn't mean you are perceiving something that isn't there or exaggerating what is there. You might just have a very strong response to hurtful behavior because your brain chemistry does not allow you to engage in the kind of helpful fictions that others do ("oh that was a long time ago" "she probably didn't mean it") and you also sometimes do not have the sense of self-worth that would enable you to say "whatever, their loss."

I think it's entirely possible that what OP and her friends did in high school was pretty bad (because stuff like that happens all the time) and while I don't think OP deserves to be stalked by this woman, and am particularly troubled by the interaction with her kids, I also think OP should consider the ways her own behavior might have caused this woman's obvious distress.

[Anonymous]

OP you are dealing with a true CRAZY. Don’t apologize. Don’t write a note. Watch out because she is NUTS. HS was a long time ago and you don’t even remember this psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tremendous amount of empathy for this woman, who is probably neurodivergent, as I am.

But this woman's handling of it all is still massively inappropriate. I bet OP didn't do anything directly (it's her "whole group of friends") and regardless, this is not the way to bring it up.

Based on experience, if the OP makes some conciliatory gesture, the woman will forgive her and then glom onto her (social awkwardness) and talk sh--- about other people instead.

Which may just be how it goes. I do believe in being a good person, regardless of negative/awkward consequences.

But I think those of you imagining a mean girl crew and some sort of Carrie incident are way off. I'm not one to say, "Oh, it was high school, who cares?" But I have also experienced running into a number of my HS classmates who at least said something cutting to me, or whom I thought didn't like me/excluded me*, and they were genuinely nice to me, clearly didn't remember those incidents, and/or told me things like, "Oh, I always admired you so much! You were so cool because [actual thing that I did]." The classmate is very likely holding onto things that-- while hurtful at the time!-- could be worked through. And again, I don't say that lightly, and it doesn't necessarily apply to serious bullying. But as a neurodivergent "socially awkward" person, I can say it's very probably that's not what was going on.


*When you have ADHD/ASD, this kind of stuff creates the perfect storm. First, you often have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria-- so you can either perceive malice/rejection when it's not there, or exaggerate it when it is. And you may have a long-term memory like a steel trap for these things, and perseverate on them, when others have long forgotten them. Even without perseveration, the memory thing applies to all kinds of innocuous stuff-- people think you are obsessed with things you just... remember, without having to try. And of course, you likely are socially awkward, so there is some truth to all of this... and that may lead you to saying inappropriate, invasive things. It's tough. I am all for ND folks' quirks being more accepted and not having to mask so much for NT people, but the way this woman is handling herself is just unacceptable. It can be met with some kindness and understanding of where it's coming from-- I don't think she means to be scary nor an a-hole-- but it's also something she needs to work on.

I agree with this whole post except think the bolded is not really something you can conclude. As you say, often people who are ND just remember events, especially moments of rejection or hurt, for a long time. It's entirely possible OP did and said unkind things to this woman in high school, and while this woman remembers them with excruciating recall, for OP they are just part of the blur of adolescents and all the heightened behavior and emotions that are common during that time.

It's clear this woman has issues that deserve both empathy and caution. However, you forget one aspect of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria that is very common -- you can simply be very sensitive to real (not imagined) rejection. Doesn't mean you are perceiving something that isn't there or exaggerating what is there. You might just have a very strong response to hurtful behavior because your brain chemistry does not allow you to engage in the kind of helpful fictions that others do ("oh that was a long time ago" "she probably didn't mean it") and you also sometimes do not have the sense of self-worth that would enable you to say "whatever, their loss."

I think it's entirely possible that what OP and her friends did in high school was pretty bad (because stuff like that happens all the time) and while I don't think OP deserves to be stalked by this woman, and am particularly troubled by the interaction with her kids, I also think OP should consider the ways her own behavior might have caused this woman's obvious distress.

I think these PP seem reasonable.
What about doing the following
1) OP can teach her kids how to handle this, and other situations where someone is complaining about someone close to them (whatever the age appropriate behaviour would be)
2) invite the person for a coffee? Extend olive leaf? Not to discuss the past but this person is obviously injured. Would have to set clear boundaries ie no intending to best friends but would creating new positive memories be helpful here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are dealing with a true CRAZY. Don’t apologize. Don’t write a note. Watch out because she is NUTS. HS was a long time ago and you don’t even remember this psycho.

You were obviously a mean girl in high school too, just like OP. Bullies don’t realize or care about the lasting harm they cause. Bullies are the true “psychos”

[Anonymous]

OP bullied her neighbor in high school and now it’s hitting home so many years later. Sounds like a good horror movie. OP apologize for your high school cruelty. You caused this situation, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write her a note.
"I am sorry that I had a negative impact on you in high school. If you would like to talk, I am hear to listen. Happy to try for a fresh start. Welcome to the neighborhood."
- Jenny

You not remembering doesn't mean it didn't happen..You seem more worried about your rep in the community than the fact that you could have really done damage to.someone during a vulnerable time.

I agree approaching your children is bad and not ok. If it was a one off thing to try and get your attention, bad but move on. If she keeps it up, you need to address it.

I really like this idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I normally say something shocking in return like, “You’re right, I am such a b*#ch. You should ask my husband and kids.” Normally people are stunned and are not sure how to respond. I then normally laugh and walk away breezily.

If she approaches your children again just have them say something like “you’re right, she is the worst!”

Always say it in a friendly way with a smile - makes them more nervous.

Lol I am cracking up picturing kids on bikes replying with this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It never ceases to amaze me how so many full-grown adults are still not over high school. Making frequent references to high school (and college) is embarrassing. Who you were back then should not remotely reflect who you are now. If it does, there's a stunted growth problem.

You obviously weren't bullied or ostracized. My twin sister and I were. While I was able to have a healthy, successful life, for whatever reason, my sister--who did suffer worse treatment than me in school--was never able to shake it. She suffered fron depression the rest of her life and died at the age of 45. Obviously, there were other circumstances that contributed, but her treatment by mean girls in high school was devastating. I ran into one of the bullies at a kids' tournament a couple years later and she acted so sweet (never acknowledging my sister's death), and then said this: I was so said to hear about "Bobby Smith" (a man who had been in our class--a really nice guy actually who was also one of the "cool" kids--who died about a year after my sister). For me, that was the saddest loss we've had from our class so far." I was at a loss for words. Literally said nothing except something like, "okay. well, good luck." I really do still hate her to this day and it's clear she hasn't changed on bit. OP: your behavior clearly harmed this woman. Take some responsibility.

I’m sorry about your sister’s passing. But how in the world do you know what the original poster did in high school, do you know the original poster, did you go to high school with her, did you see her miss treat the neighbor or anyone else for this matter like how do you know for a fact that this woman is a bully how bully how???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are dealing with a true CRAZY. Don’t apologize. Don’t write a note. Watch out because she is NUTS. HS was a long time ago and you don’t even remember this psycho.

Oh come on. It's been patiently explained over and over again that the bully rarely remembers the people they were mean to. Doesn't mean the neighbor is NUTS or a true CRAZY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are dealing with a true CRAZY. Don’t apologize. Don’t write a note. Watch out because she is NUTS. HS was a long time ago and you don’t even remember this psycho.

You were obviously a mean girl in high school too, just like OP. Bullies don’t realize or care about the lasting harm they cause. Bullies are the true “psychos”

Yup. And anyone who dares to actually remember their crappy behavior is NUTS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I normally say something shocking in return like, “You’re right, I am such a b*#ch. You should ask my husband and kids.” Normally people are stunned and are not sure how to respond. I then normally laugh and walk away breezily.

If she approaches your children again just have them say something like “you’re right, she is the worst!”

Always say it in a friendly way with a smile - makes them more nervous.

LOL- This post made my day

[Anonymous]

I'd probably ignore and try to move on. I wouldn't care if the woman hated me but if she approached my kids again, I would have some harsh words for her. That's not cool, no matter what you did to her. I wouldn't ever disparage someone in front of their kids, even if their kids were adults. It's not the kids' fault and it's cowardly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are dealing with a true CRAZY. Don’t apologize. Don’t write a note. Watch out because she is NUTS. HS was a long time ago and you don’t even remember this psycho.

You were obviously a mean girl in high school too, just like OP. Bullies don’t realize or care about the lasting harm they cause. Bullies are the true “psychos”

Yup. And anyone who dares to actually remember their crappy behavior is NUTS.

Well it was decades ago. Time to move on and live in the present. People stuck in the past reliving high school have issues. Seems neighbor still hasn’t learned behave in a socially acceptable manner. The other neighbors will figure it out soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP and neighbor are both just awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I normally say something shocking in return like, “You’re right, I am such a b*#ch. You should ask my husband and kids.” Normally people are stunned and are not sure how to respond. I then normally laugh and walk away breezily.

If she approaches your children again just have them say something like “you’re right, she is the worst!”

Always say it in a friendly way with a smile - makes them more nervous.

You have a standard response when something like this happens? It happens frequently enough to require that?

Yikes.