Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Here's the problem OP you seem to insist that your way is the only way of doing things.

No, I would not be into sharing milk if my family was using far less milk.

You want to ram on about being an adult, well adults take care of their own shit which includes feeding their kids and pouring their own wine. It seems cousin is telling you that she's fine with taking care of her own baby. So leave her to it.

It seems cousin is also fine with other people changing her baby’s shitty diapers. She’s a leech and a taker. Cut her out of your life.

OP is really mad that some people don't agree with her.

Found the cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how family feuds start and how life-long rifts happen.

OP, be careful how you address your cousin as it may have impacts across your entire family including your parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents, other cousins, etc.

It will also impact YOU and your relationship with your cousin as there is no guarantee how your words will be received, no matter how kindly you try and deliver them.

This is a "family" home albeit your parents'. Your cousin is part of your extended family. You cannot ignore this important fact. She is your parents' niece.

You will really be stepping in it if you go to war with your cousin telling her she isn't welcome anymore, and yet your friend and her family will continue to enjoy vacations at the beach with you.

That will spread like wildfire throughout the family, "Oh, did you hear? OP wants her friend and family to visit but told Cousin Susy she was a slob and didn't help out so she wasn't welcome anymore."

I would not address this right now especially since you are still so pissed about it. You have plenty of time until next year to figure out if there may be something going on with your cousin (PPD? Marital issues? Financial issues?) and can then figure out how to address it a few months before next year's anticipated vacation.

BTW, there is also the possibility that your parents (who own the home) may say to hell with it, and to avoid a feud, will say YOU can't use the house anymore, either.

So? Parents will die, OP will inherit the house, Cousin Susy won’t be welcome anymore. Too bad, so sad.

[Anonymous]

As a parent who has a child with anxiety and depression, but who also HATES it when others don't pull their own weight, I wonder if something is going on with cousin.

I like the approach of calmly talking with cousin about contributing, etc...what works for her. I also like the idea of setting the expectation that the house is not going to be quiet for work calls.

You don't know what you don't know - if we all asked someone else what is up instead of assuming laziness, etc....our eyes might be opened....

[Anonymous]

Your cousin sounds like my SIL. It's all great when people are doing things for her. Cooking, feeding her kids, looking after them, cleaning up their mess after meals while she does whatever she pleases.

She made plans for her and BIL to go fishing one evening just the two of them. They sat and made their plans in front of us. When my nephew asked "who is taking care of us?" nobody said a word. I watched SIL's face, she was not pleased. They did not go fishing. She did the same thing when she wanted to go drinking with her friends. Nobody jumped in and offered to watch the kids.

We stopped going to the family get together.

[Anonymous]

I think you owe it to try to make a two+ decade relationship and tradition work.
You guys are in the height of exhaustion and craziness now. In 5 years, it will be *so* much easier. It would be a shame to give up a whole 'nother generation of fun get togethers because you're exhausted with toddlers.

And that's what I think is going on. Cousin has a baby. Do you remember how exhausting and miserable that first year can be? She probably didn't want to take care of your kids. I sure as heck didn't want to take care of anyone else's kids when I was still in the baby phase. My guess is, given the option of being required to help with 4 preschoolers vs. just changing her own babies diapers, she would much rather each parent just take care of their own kids.

So I think you do a general "let's talk about how things went and how it can be even more awesome next year" discussion, that includes being explicit about how meals are handled and that the husband has to work from his house. Beyond that... hang in there. It gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No excuse comes to mind for refusing to make dinner on her night and then eating what was made as the last minute replacement.

She didn’t sign up for dinner—it was assigned to her.

If she was happy enough to eat the dinners cooked by the others on the other nights, then she was buying into the idea that they were taking turns. Hiding in your room and waiting it out until someone else finally makes dinner, on a night when it was your turn, is very crappy behavior. She sounds like an exploiter and an insensitive jerk.

OP said she also sent around the spreadsheet to sign up for dinner duty.

[Anonymous]

If you want to keep inviting her, then you need to first tell her that, especially now that you all have kids, everyone needs to pitch in and do their share to make the vacation work. Don't wait for her to help -- specifically ask her to do X or Y. If she doesn't, then:

(1) Stop doing any of her chores. If she puts her laundry in with the kids', take it out and leave it in the hamper. Don't take care of her baby. Don't pack snacks for her. Don't pack a chair or a towel for her. When she notices, just say, "Barb, we talked about everyone needing to pitch in. Everyone else helped pack up for the beach. We asked you to put the chairs in the trunk and set out the snacks and drinks you wanted in the cooler. You didn't."

(2) If it's her night to make dinner and she doesn't, you and your friend go out to dinner. Without her. If she says anything, you say, "Barb, we all signed up to make dinner on a rotating basis. Tonight was your night. We reminded you this morning and this afternoon, and you didn't even bother to order pizza."

(3) Stop accommodating her husband. Don't shush the kids because he's on a work call -- he can go to another room to take the call.

(4) Expect that she's going to eat some of your food and drinks. Account for that, and if she does, feel free to do the same for anything she brings.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you talk to her about the 2 main issues only and give her a chance to respond/do better. I also agree with PPs that the first couple years as a parent are tough and she sounds like she checked out for the vacation, but while understandable, it’s not fair to the other adults. Sounds like on her night to cook she knew it, because she appeared fir food and disappeared again right away. Maybe she does everything at home and wanted her DH to step up (and he didn’t). If she didn’t feel like cooking, fine, but then you at least order pizzas or something so you are providing a meal on your night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe it to try to make a two+ decade relationship and tradition work.
You guys are in the height of exhaustion and craziness now. In 5 years, it will be *so* much easier. It would be a shame to give up a whole 'nother generation of fun get togethers because you're exhausted with toddlers.

And that's what I think is going on. Cousin has a baby. Do you remember how exhausting and miserable that first year can be? She probably didn't want to take care of your kids. I sure as heck didn't want to take care of anyone else's kids when I was still in the baby phase. My guess is, given the option of being required to help with 4 preschoolers vs. just changing her own babies diapers, she would much rather each parent just take care of their own kids.

So I think you do a general "let's talk about how things went and how it can be even more awesome next year" discussion, that includes being explicit about how meals are handled and that the husband has to work from his house. Beyond that... hang in there. It gets better.

OP said cousin was always like this. I would agree OP should try to make this work if her cousin wasn't local to Cape Cod. But since she is, no need for OP to be miserable during her vacation in her parent's house. Just tell the cousin she's invited for x number of lunches/dinners. OP can host her. Cousin doesn't need to lift a finger. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s splitting costs thank god.

Her DH is here as well but doesn’t take vacation from work so a lot of times we have to shush the kids bc he’s on a call and shoots us looks.

Her baby is 1. Then we have a 2, 3, 4, and 5 year old.

Yeah, no. Shut this down. There’s no way I’d be quieting my kids for someone who chose not to go into the office. Call the cousin this weekend. Tell her it’s not going to work next year.

Hell no. Tell her it’s not working. She stays at her house from now on. Also, does she ever invite you guys to visit her house? Like does she host a dinner or something?

Her husband working in the house when he could be home would piss me off so much. That’s beyond unacceptable. Never again. Vacation is for kids to play and run around. They sound extremely tone deaf.

I bet OP will love paying for it all herself.

What? The house is owned by OP's parents and she uses it for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your cousin sounds like my SIL. It's all great when people are doing things for her. Cooking, feeding her kids, looking after them, cleaning up their mess after meals while she does whatever she pleases.

She made plans for her and BIL to go fishing one evening just the two of them. They sat and made their plans in front of us. When my nephew asked "who is taking care of us?" nobody said a word. I watched SIL's face, she was not pleased. They did not go fishing. She did the same thing when she wanted to go drinking with her friends. Nobody jumped in and offered to watch the kids.

We stopped going to the family get together.

Hilarious. Serves her right. Glad no one said they’d watch the nephew. What a moocher.

[Anonymous]

Since she is local OP, I would be careful.

Would continue to invite, but what's the issue with just taking her clothes out of the hamper and throwing them in a pile, instead of washing them? Or letting her kid sit in dirty diapers, if she is not willing to change them?

It sounds like she is poor, and this is her only chance at some sort of "vacation" from her life.

[Anonymous]

Does she live close to her parents or her DH’s parents? Do grandparents watch her child for her regularly? She sounds like someone who is accustomed to being spoiled and indulged by family and has a “mode” of checking out.

[Anonymous]

Wow. There are 2 very distinct answers on this thread.

1. Every man for himself. You're on your own. Good luck. Let's not talk to each other and all do the same work, but separately.

2. It takes a village. We're all parents, we're all friends, let's do this together and share the responsibilities. We'll all get a tiny break and it will feel like a vacation.


Personally, I think team 1 sucks. For me, part of the fun of traveling with friends is sharing the responsibilities. It may be more work on the front end with planning, but on vacation it's actually less work for everyone and more like a vacation.

Team Village!

PS-- Team 1 sounds very republican to me, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

I don't question that she was sitting around and could possibly have been more helpful. But packing snacks and asking questions about peeing are things that parents of older kids do (and know to do). f your BF is parenting kids of a similar age, she might be more on your wavelength and acting as your proxy. But it is not normal to expect that a parent of a one-year-old would know what needs to be done to get older kids out of the house. Your cousin is not their nanny, and asking about their urine levels would therefore be intrusive and weird.