Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your follow up, you might have a shot at saving this marriage — but you need to be prepared to offer up and follow though on big changes.

For example, if you have been so financially successful, can you start working part time while she goes back to school or her career of choice?

Can you change jobs so you have more flexibility to handle decisions about camp, etc?

Would hiring more help actually make her happier?

And LOL that you did all this career stuff just for your family. I’m a wife that has worked and been very successful in my career. If my husband were to say “you would have worked just as hard if you stayed single and been just as important in your career” — he would be absolutely correct. In fact, I would likely have worked harder and been more successful if single.

If your wife wanted to quit working, but now regrets it — I can see why you feel like that isn’t your fault and your career enabled what you thought was a free will decision. But at some point, it wasn’t what she wanted and she felt trapped because you didn’t seem to be willing to pick up the slack. Right or wrong, this is likely how she sees it.

Building and maintaining a high level career is demanding and it makes it hard to always face the truth: That doing that is still very different from being an emotionally present and loving partner and parent. It's not 1955. Most wives and husbands want both, high earners and great, available partners. Whether most of us get that or can Be that is another thing. But the standards are high let's face it. This is why many mothers, even highly educated ones, work part time or less than full time. Because we know intuitively it is very hard to do it all. You may have let the scales tip excessively toward your work. Happens to many of us. Try to realign

That’s why there is a big difference between men who work 24/7 and are mentally and emotionally PRESENT when at home, with their wife and kids and family issues and those who are not. Those who may be only physically present.

That’s the difference. I’ve worked with hard charging hedge fund founder of a 200 person, $20b+ manager and he always knows what his kids are doing or flits out for stuff. Plus he and his wife have a ton of joint rich people hobbies.

Then there’s the guys who come home and barely speak, have their face in their work iPhones, don’t even know their kids teachers name, and take their working or SAH wives for granted all the time. Basically their wives live parallel lives or divorce. It’s too insulting to live with a do-nothing spouse and father. Too much mess and deadweight.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your wife is burnt out. But your kids are 11 and 14, so they still need someone to parent them and nobody's life is going to be easier if she walks out (except maybe hers if her plan is to not have custody of the kids).

So how can you get some alone time for her? Can you kids go to sleepaway camp for some weeks during the summer or visit relatives out of town for a couple weeks? My kids are away right now and not having to worry about them is a huge relief.

Can you take more responsibility for dinners or decide as a family that dinners will be simple sandwiches or something 5/7 days per week?

Can you free her up for some weekends away with friends or to visit family?

Basically, I would try to give her a couple week chunk of time where she can just be alone and then figure out how to support her in rebalancing her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, as an immigrant living in US, I witnessed some wives like yours. Frankly, I cannot relate to her. She sounds immature and resentful of you. No one made her to be a stay at home wife. There are plenty of daycares and nannies available. If a woman wants to have a professional career, nothing is stopping her. She is tired of taking care of her children? Life is WORK. Whether it is a professional job or being at home. You have to find means to feed yourself, clean after yourself, keep the roof over head. It is WORK. She only has two kids and is tired of scheduling camps or buying clothes? Lol Sounds like she is lazy and spoiled.
We women get EXHASTED and tired, but instead she wants to be passive aggressive and blame you for her unhappiness. Why do you even need to be in this kind of a marriage?

Well yes, if you don’t understand white SAHM culture in the US your experience is going to have no bearing on what OP should do. It is its own crazy world. Your comment is not helpful. It’s interesting, but not helpful.

I disagree. I think her perspective is very helpful. You might not find it helpful because you identify with the wife and will look for all evidence to support your side.

But OP’s wife is just being spoiled and that might be your SAHM culture but it is not the SAHM culture of most of people in the world , and quite frankly most of the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three male cousins who are good looking, very high earners. A dentist, an accountant and a lawyer. They were all workaholics and they are all divorced, one of them twice. At a certain point, their absence became intolerable and honestly, I don't think it's a rare scenario. It took several years but eventually their wives were very resentful. It happens. They also all happened to have three children.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three male cousins who are good looking, very high earners. A dentist, an accountant and a lawyer. They were all workaholics and they are all divorced, one of them twice. At a certain point, their absence became intolerable and honestly, I don't think it's a rare scenario. It took several years but eventually their wives were very resentful. It happens. They also all happened to have three children.

I totally get this. They get so caught up in their God Complex and think that providing funds is the be all and end all of parenting. They forgot how much LIFE they miss, both for the kids and the spouse. Of course resentment grows! You can only raise this point so many times and then you stop caring anymore. You start to build a life where they are less and less a part of it. I'm not sure if this is what happened with the OP or not, but I agree with the above poster.

Agree. This happens over time. And the needs and direction of kids age 4-18 are significant so if one “parent” is checked out or only focused on their day job, it’s a terrible dynamic. And look what you’re modeling for your sons or daughters. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

This is what SAHP don’t understand.., they say they sacrificed… career, time, etc.

But working parent sacrifice too… time with kids, sleep, stress, being healthy, etc

People that play the suffering olympics will always lose.

Millions of dual income working parents disprove this every day.

You either work and know wtf is going on with your kids, spouse and house or you check out and just work at the office. Your actions speak louder than your belated words.

No. People can know wtf is going on with the kids and think all is fine snd dandy… but then the martyr mom who thinks she has to do it all and never asks for help blows a gasket and then can’t look inward to see how she could have gone it differently… so she blames the man.

OPs actions were exactly what she asked for, they might not been exactly what she wanted because she never asked. Sure maybe she asked gor a little g at op here or there .. but GMAFB we are talking about a woman who is abandoning an 11 and 14 yo on a whim of “I’m not fulfilled”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy is just doubling down on his selfishness and total lack of understanding life. I hope he gets served tomorrow. He is not marriage material. Too dense. Too self centered. What a joke.

You’re standing in support of a woman who is the abandoning two children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she also plans to leave the 11 and 14 "year olds behind?!

I've been a WOHM and I've been a SAHM. It sounds like she lost her identity to being a mom. It happens. COVID probably heightened that awareness and now she has a lot of regrets. I definitely suggest marriage counseling. Can you take some time off at work?

My answer would be different if your kids were older, but a mom willing to leave her kid behinds hints at a much bigger issue than burnt out and regret. She needs things to change and a counselor will. Hopefully help you guys figure out how to do that

Leaving kids and not thinking about kids during an affair is the height of selfishness, “my needs” only. Lots of people like this. They use the “kids are better why I am happy” BS.

She never said she’s moving out. That was HIS only response to her confiding how unhappy she is with the current roles.

She said she wanted to be alone did not say she wanted to be alone with the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women in straight marriages feel this way.

+1. This thread has been so validating. I have felt like OP's wife for a couple years now, but thought I was crazy/alone. I love my kids and love living with them. But when the nest is empty, I just want to live alone again.

My spouse is such a workaholic the only thing he can speak about is his work deals, his phone technology or the last mass media article he skimmed while hiding on the toilet in the morning or evening.
I honestly don’t know what he is in the house. He does nothing. He doesn’t even speak with the kids. Or me. I cannot think of any reason he lives in the house with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, as an immigrant living in US, I witnessed some wives like yours. Frankly, I cannot relate to her. She sounds immature and resentful of you. No one made her to be a stay at home wife. There are plenty of daycares and nannies available. If a woman wants to have a professional career, nothing is stopping her. She is tired of taking care of her children? Life is WORK. Whether it is a professional job or being at home. You have to find means to feed yourself, clean after yourself, keep the roof over head. It is WORK. She only has two kids and is tired of scheduling camps or buying clothes? Lol Sounds like she is lazy and spoiled.
We women get EXHASTED and tired, but instead she wants to be passive aggressive and blame you for her unhappiness. Why do you even need to be in this kind of a marriage?

Agree 100%.

OPs wife is lazy, spoiled, immature, and resentful of OP - who works FT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHW, OP. I feel this way at least 5 out of 7 days but I work to tamp down those feelings because I know DH and kids are depending on me. Everyone desires financial and family stability but no educated person wants to focus on serving others -- even beloved children or partners -- in a menial capacity for decades. If your DW could enjoy nearly the same standard of living without having to live the lackey life, why would she not try to seize the chance to change? She does not care about the cleanliness of your underwear or your latest squabble with a colleague, and is tired of pretending.

Triple this if you are rarely saying thank you, or showing gratitude or appreciation or even listening to her daily.

The PP Sounds super pathetic. If you want something else go for it don’t just blame everybody around you because you don’t have it. The kids don’t need you 24 seven. Your husband can do his own freaking laundry. The kids can toO actually.

You feel worthless because everything you do has little to no value anymore you’re doing stuff for people they can do it for themselves and probably stunting their growth since you do it for them. Figure out what you wanna do with your life and do it but stop blaming others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, as an immigrant living in US, I witnessed some wives like yours. Frankly, I cannot relate to her. She sounds immature and resentful of you. No one made her to be a stay at home wife. There are plenty of daycares and nannies available. If a woman wants to have a professional career, nothing is stopping her. She is tired of taking care of her children? Life is WORK. Whether it is a professional job or being at home. You have to find means to feed yourself, clean after yourself, keep the roof over head. It is WORK. She only has two kids and is tired of scheduling camps or buying clothes? Lol Sounds like she is lazy and spoiled.
We women get EXHASTED and tired, but instead she wants to be passive aggressive and blame you for her unhappiness. Why do you even need to be in this kind of a marriage?

I can’t figure out what he brings to the table either. His paycheck is just a form of child support and he does nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, as an immigrant living in US, I witnessed some wives like yours. Frankly, I cannot relate to her. She sounds immature and resentful of you. No one made her to be a stay at home wife. There are plenty of daycares and nannies available. If a woman wants to have a professional career, nothing is stopping her. She is tired of taking care of her children? Life is WORK. Whether it is a professional job or being at home. You have to find means to feed yourself, clean after yourself, keep the roof over head. It is WORK. She only has two kids and is tired of scheduling camps or buying clothes? Lol Sounds like she is lazy and spoiled.
We women get EXHASTED and tired, but instead she wants to be passive aggressive and blame you for her unhappiness. Why do you even need to be in this kind of a marriage?

Well yes, if you don’t understand white SAHM culture in the US your experience is going to have no bearing on what OP should do. It is its own crazy world. Your comment is not helpful. It’s interesting, but not helpful.

I disagree. I think her perspective is very helpful. You might not find it helpful because you identify with the wife and will look for all evidence to support your side.

But OP’s wife is just being spoiled and that might be your SAHM culture but it is not the SAHM culture of most of people in the world , and quite frankly most of the US.

Well luckily for you and emerging markets immigrant the U.S. family court system only cares fir the bare minimum for a dad as well: food, clothes, shelter.
Abuse is OK, no sports or ECs Ok, tons of screen time OK, heck hire an illiterates nanny during your custody time OK, feed them junk food and pizza each meal OK, get obese and diabetic OK.

Your kids can and will quickly sink to the lowest denominator lazy parent. No problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHW, OP. I feel this way at least 5 out of 7 days but I work to tamp down those feelings because I know DH and kids are depending on me. Everyone desires financial and family stability but no educated person wants to focus on serving others -- even beloved children or partners -- in a menial capacity for decades. If your DW could enjoy nearly the same standard of living without having to live the lackey life, why would she not try to seize the chance to change? She does not care about the cleanliness of your underwear or your latest squabble with a colleague, and is tired of pretending.

Triple this if you are rarely saying thank you, or showing gratitude or appreciation or even listening to her daily.

The PP Sounds super pathetic. If you want something else go for it don’t just blame everybody around you because you don’t have it. The kids don’t need you 24 seven. Your husband can do his own freaking laundry. The kids can toO actually.

You feel worthless because everything you do has little to no value anymore you’re doing stuff for people they can do it for themselves and probably stunting their growth since you do it for them. Figure out what you wanna do with your life and do it but stop blaming others

Wake up.

That’s exactly what she is doing. She’s done with the current BS arrangement.

She’s prob at peace with the “worst case” scenario: 50/50 custody

If Op is truly a delinquent father they should mediate and do 80/20 or give her full custody and work out his visiting rights.

[Anonymous]

For those saying the working parent sacrifices and suffers too...yes, that is true. But I don't think I am alone in saying, as a mother who has been home and a mother who has worked....home is harder. Significantly actually, in ways that can be hard to articulate. And really, it would be hard to grasp that fully if you have not done it. But it's in the neighborhood of a loss of status, stimulation, self esteem, sense of self,, etc. I very gradually got more depressed...nothing severe, I just started to feel empty. Work may be demanding, but if you have even a semblance of control and respect at work, you have more than what many mothers will feel in the day to day. Not all...but some. Try to cultivate empathy. She deserves it.