Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. As a SAHM in all parameters my life improved. I am happy and grateful about how well my kids are doing and the quality of my marriage. There is no addiction, adultery and abuse in our family and we are financially well off. DH is a very good, equal, loving and appreciative partner and has no problem in taking on a lot of domestic responsibilities too. He treats me with respect and credits me with the successes in our family. I was able to help out providing support to members of our extended family too. We were just a lot more reselient as a family and could take on more.

I retained my cleaning lady from my WOHM days and then had her coming two times a week for doing other chores - food prep, help with yard, laundry, organization etc. I think that was the best thing I did to minimize any resentment on my part to do household chores, and at the same time have the house humming smoothly for the family. I credit having help as a huge impact in our happiness.
My kids ended up doing a lot of ECs, being very involved in all opportunities at school and really excelling. They are on a very good trajectory in life and we are very proud of them. I was able to provide them with a good social life, normalcy and a lot of emotional security
Our sexlife became super hot and we really have become the a more bonded and loving couple. Our net-worth and HHI increased because DH was able to go back to school and get more credentials. We have become more resilient as a family and every member is supported.

More than that, we have become very grateful for our lives. We saw marriages of two close friends destroyed (a SAHM and a WOHM, both cheated on their DHs), family became messy and kids are acting out and really doing poorly. At our age, early 50s, we want to preserve what we have instead of seeing our family, finances, standing in society, shattered. So we have found new ways to remain healthy and we prioritize one another over everyone else. We are at a very good place and I believe we have loved our journey and our accomplishments. Not saying that this is the only formula that works for everyone, but for us this has worked very well. We are ok financially and we have safeguards in place. My husband feels he is a success in all ways - career and family. I feel my success is all the human connections I have made and people I have helped - my own family, the volunteer organization I help out in and all the people around me that I have been able to help.

As a young woman, I was paranoid about being vulnerable and dependent on anyone for money. For me, earning a paycheck was very important because I felt my husband would not respect me otherwise and the power dynamics would shift. This was a valid concern and even now I will advice women to be financially dependent because you never know how your husband will behave or what life will bring you. Thankfully, in the case of DH and I, our equation did not change because I stayed home. I credit him to a great extent in my easy and comparatively effortless success as a mom, wife and a good human being.

The pandemic made us realize that our path was fantastic for us. I have one kid working from home, 1 kid applying to college, a husband who is in a job that is touching millions of life and we are thankful and life is still going on well, even with some challenges that we have faced. As for my own self-respect? I feel venerated in a pivotal role in our family and know that I was able to do well in my role as the glue that binds everyone together. I feel pretty good about myself.

It's great that you're happy but is it not possible to have answered the question without being an obnoxious braggart?

Well, I am sorry that your life is miserable. I truly am. I know misery loves company and you are triggered but I cannot lie. My life is actually pretty good. It has its challenges but blessings far outweigh the challenges.

I'm not at all miserable. Quite the contrary. I just think you sound like a bit of an asshole.

Name calling is not making a point. You are a bigger LOSER than I thought.

Awww, and here I thought you were truly sorry about my supposedly miserable life.

No, I actually knew you were lying about that.

Look, success and happiness are great. I enjoy mine. But writing several paragraphs about your immense wealth, your hot sex life, your amazing kids, and how venerated you are for your effortless success in all aspects of life in response to a question about how life changes as a SAHM is irrelevant, tone deaf, and frankly quite tacky. Most of my friends and family members live pretty charmed lives. I've never heard any of them be so obnoxious about their good fortune.

Because they’re actually happy with their choices and have a full enough life not to spend their time this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread went a little off the rails but I thought I’d chime in to say, no, my relationship with DH didn’t change when I started SAH. And he DID marry me because of my career ambition, at least in part.

BUT he really genuinely values the work I do at home - most notably taking care of our kids, but also other things like cooking healthy meals, signing kids up for activities, arranging play dates, etc. He knows it’s hard to take care of little kids and doesn’t take it for granted.

This was how it was for me too. I think for many people the attraction to ambition is more about “how cool that this person does what they set out to do, and they do it well” rather than “how cool that this person is succeeding in a prestigious job.”

+ 1
And having a college educated spouse who is kick ass in their career means that the same passion can be channeled when raising the children when they become a SAH. The brain does not atrophy. Most of the educated moms retain their intellectual curiosity and in fact have more time as SAH to nurture their creativity too. It is well documented that how well a kid does in school is linked to the education level of the mom. There is a big difference between a college educated SAHM and a high school dropout SAHM.

Also a lot of evidence that having a mother who works out of the home is associated with girls growing up to make more money as adults. And that certain professions that require a high degree of intellectual rigor are associated with lower levels of dementia in old age (the theory being that this is related to learning new things). Homemaker is not one of them.

You should feel empowered to make whatever choice works for your family without the reliance on stats that aren’t specifically related to SAH. The world is full of people who are successful and had two working parents and that aren’t and had a sahp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. As a SAHM in all parameters my life improved. I am happy and grateful about how well my kids are doing and the quality of my marriage. There is no addiction, adultery and abuse in our family and we are financially well off. DH is a very good, equal, loving and appreciative partner and has no problem in taking on a lot of domestic responsibilities too. He treats me with respect and credits me with the successes in our family. I was able to help out providing support to members of our extended family too. We were just a lot more reselient as a family and could take on more.

I retained my cleaning lady from my WOHM days and then had her coming two times a week for doing other chores - food prep, help with yard, laundry, organization etc. I think that was the best thing I did to minimize any resentment on my part to do household chores, and at the same time have the house humming smoothly for the family. I credit having help as a huge impact in our happiness.
My kids ended up doing a lot of ECs, being very involved in all opportunities at school and really excelling. They are on a very good trajectory in life and we are very proud of them. I was able to provide them with a good social life, normalcy and a lot of emotional security
Our sexlife became super hot and we really have become the a more bonded and loving couple. Our net-worth and HHI increased because DH was able to go back to school and get more credentials. We have become more resilient as a family and every member is supported.

More than that, we have become very grateful for our lives. We saw marriages of two close friends destroyed (a SAHM and a WOHM, both cheated on their DHs), family became messy and kids are acting out and really doing poorly. At our age, early 50s, we want to preserve what we have instead of seeing our family, finances, standing in society, shattered. So we have found new ways to remain healthy and we prioritize one another over everyone else. We are at a very good place and I believe we have loved our journey and our accomplishments. Not saying that this is the only formula that works for everyone, but for us this has worked very well. We are ok financially and we have safeguards in place. My husband feels he is a success in all ways - career and family. I feel my success is all the human connections I have made and people I have helped - my own family, the volunteer organization I help out in and all the people around me that I have been able to help.

As a young woman, I was paranoid about being vulnerable and dependent on anyone for money. For me, earning a paycheck was very important because I felt my husband would not respect me otherwise and the power dynamics would shift. This was a valid concern and even now I will advice women to be financially dependent because you never know how your husband will behave or what life will bring you. Thankfully, in the case of DH and I, our equation did not change because I stayed home. I credit him to a great extent in my easy and comparatively effortless success as a mom, wife and a good human being.

The pandemic made us realize that our path was fantastic for us. I have one kid working from home, 1 kid applying to college, a husband who is in a job that is touching millions of life and we are thankful and life is still going on well, even with some challenges that we have faced. As for my own self-respect? I feel venerated in a pivotal role in our family and know that I was able to do well in my role as the glue that binds everyone together. I feel pretty good about myself.

Standing in society 🙄

[Anonymous]

One of the weirder cons our society has ever been duped into is buying into the idea that your career is what should define your life or that a woman’s “contribution to society” via grinding for some corporation is to be valued more highly than raising and rearing her own children and focusing her energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual well being of her family. Baffling how backward it is to me that women fought for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirder cons our society has ever been duped into is buying into the idea that your career is what should define your life or that a woman’s “contribution to society” via grinding for some corporation is to be valued more highly than raising and rearing her own children and focusing her energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual well being of her family. Baffling how backward it is to me that women fought for this.

We tried for 7 years to have our child. I went back to work for a little bit after my maternity leave. When my kid was 2, I decided that sitting in a cube pumping out spreadsheets as a financial analyst while I desperately missed my child wasn't a worthwhile tradeoff. Maybe some people have more interesting careers. My child is a teen now and I've never looked back. Our marriage is great and my financially we are doing better than I ever expected. DH is not a high earner, but we have a cozy house that is paid for and college is funded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirder cons our society has ever been duped into is buying into the idea that your career is what should define your life or that a woman’s “contribution to society” via grinding for some corporation is to be valued more highly than raising and rearing her own children and focusing her energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual well being of her family. Baffling how backward it is to me that women fought for this.

What about men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirder cons our society has ever been duped into is buying into the idea that your career is what should define your life or that a woman’s “contribution to society” via grinding for some corporation is to be valued more highly than raising and rearing her own children and focusing her energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual well being of her family. Baffling how backward it is to me that women fought for this.

But men should definitely “grind for some corporation.” Mama needs a new pair of shoes amirite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

From a male perspective, one of my best friends from law school has exactly that happen to his perception of his wife when she stopped working. He said she was no longer interesting to talk to because she didn't have anything to say that didn't relate immediately to their family. And while you can talk about that a lot, it's also nice to be able to talk your spouse about other things. So yes, I think that could be a concern.

As a former SAHM I find that concept interesting. My H never had a whole lot to talk about even though he was working full time. He does not read books and limits himself to very few news sources. I, on the other hand, am very curious about what's going on in the world and our community, read a lot, and have plenty to talk about. I think that's more a reflection of the person than what they do all day. Also, many jobs are not exactly interesting to hear about at the end of the day either, so there's that.

I'm sure it's personality and job dependent. But his wife basically stopped taking an interest in anything outside of their house. It's possible that would have happened had she kept working. But she just kind of got tunnel vision it seems.

NP -- I had the opposite experience: I went from being consumed and tunnel vision about my career to finally getting to explore the world outside of my work. It has been very enriching for all of us. The lesson of the true value of time, once the early years are past, is something that has to be experienced to be understood. DH and I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

[Anonymous]

I think the SAHM’s who simply cannot imagine working and having a functioning home life must think all jobs are inflexible and miserable. I SAH until my youngest went to ES and both DH and I have incredibly flexible and family friendly jobs that pay really well. We share home and child duties and no one is stressed or dysfunctional. Most families we know are the same. It just doesn’t fit the narrative of “I must stay home or this would NEVER work” people. But hey if their spouses buy that I guess it works for them. I’m personally glad that my husband wants to share the home load equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirder cons our society has ever been duped into is buying into the idea that your career is what should define your life or that a woman’s “contribution to society” via grinding for some corporation is to be valued more highly than raising and rearing her own children and focusing her energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual well being of her family. Baffling how backward it is to me that women fought for this.

What about men?

DP: Their careers also should not define their lives. And a family with options has the right to decide which parent earns the income. And the reality for us has been that when we had children, we both needed to change the kind of work we did so that we could have a fuller life with our family. We recentered our focus. We exchanged more money for more time.

But I disagree with PP about what women were fighting for; it is a gross misunderstanding to say that women were fighting to force every woman into the workplace and out of their homes. That was never the goal. Women fought for the right of women to get to choose to work and not be forced to stay at home if that wasn't their choice, and for women in the workforce, whether by choice or need, to be treated equally to men who work. Remember that not all women become mothers; not all mothers have partners; and not all families can or want to choose to have a parent at home. Women who work deserve to be treated the same as men who work. That is what women were fighting for. It never meant that families could never again choose to have a parent at home. The unfortunate consequence, however, is that the economy has shifted in a way that effectively eliminates that option for most families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the SAHM’s who simply cannot imagine working and having a functioning home life must think all jobs are inflexible and miserable. I SAH until my youngest went to ES and both DH and I have incredibly flexible and family friendly jobs that pay really well. We share home and child duties and no one is stressed or dysfunctional. Most families we know are the same. It just doesn’t fit the narrative of “I must stay home or this would NEVER work” people. But hey if their spouses buy that I guess it works for them. I’m personally glad that my husband wants to share the home load equally.

It really isn't an either/or situation. Most people are saying it couldn't work for Me in My former job - not that there is no possible way in the world it could work for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the SAHM’s who simply cannot imagine working and having a functioning home life must think all jobs are inflexible and miserable. I SAH until my youngest went to ES and both DH and I have incredibly flexible and family friendly jobs that pay really well. We share home and child duties and no one is stressed or dysfunctional. Most families we know are the same. It just doesn’t fit the narrative of “I must stay home or this would NEVER work” people. But hey if their spouses buy that I guess it works for them. I’m personally glad that my husband wants to share the home load equally.

It really isn't an either/or situation. Most people are saying it couldn't work for Me in My former job - not that there is no possible way in the world it could work for anyone.

PP here. Some posters are reasonable like that. But some of the regular SAHM posters on this site argue that teens with working mothers are neglected and there is no possible way that a family could function in a healthy way with two working parents. To me that just tells me how checked out their spouse is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

From a male perspective, one of my best friends from law school has exactly that happen to his perception of his wife when she stopped working. He said she was no longer interesting to talk to because she didn't have anything to say that didn't relate immediately to their family. And while you can talk about that a lot, it's also nice to be able to talk your spouse about other things. So yes, I think that could be a concern.

I think this is kind of a BS response. So, if she’s working she’s talking about work projects and likely complaining about employees. What’s so great about that? If you are an interesting person, and competent in conversation it doesn’t just fall by the wayside. My DH and I had a rule to not talk about kids On a date; it can be done. I think a spouse likely projects this “boring” on a sahm spouse as a new narrative. Women who are both home and at work focus too much on kids or gossip, which is boring.

I have been working mom and sahm and talked about all kinds of things with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

From a male perspective, one of my best friends from law school has exactly that happen to his perception of his wife when she stopped working. He said she was no longer interesting to talk to because she didn't have anything to say that didn't relate immediately to their family. And while you can talk about that a lot, it's also nice to be able to talk your spouse about other things. So yes, I think that could be a concern.

I think this is kind of a BS response. So, if she’s working she’s talking about work projects and likely complaining about employees. What’s so great about that? If you are an interesting person, and competent in conversation it doesn’t just fall by the wayside. My DH and I had a rule to not talk about kids On a date; it can be done. I think a spouse likely projects this “boring” on a sahm spouse as a new narrative. Women who are both home and at work focus too much on kids or gossip, which is boring.

I have been working mom and sahm and talked about all kinds of things with DH.

DP here. I was a SAHM for 13 years. And yes it’s true that some long term SAHM’s become really boring and have nothing interesting to talk about. Or obsess about the tiniest inconsequential things (like PTA politics or HOA drama or whatever.) We all know these people. In fact it’s part of why I went back to work. The longer I stayed home, the fewer “normal” women were still at all home too. Everyone I liked spending time with eventually went back to work. Sorry, it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. As a SAHM in all parameters my life improved...

I retained my cleaning lady from my WOHM days and then had her coming two times a week for doing other chores - food prep, help with yard, laundry, organization etc. I think that was the best thing I did to minimize any resentment on my part to do household chores, and at the same time have the house humming smoothly for the family. I credit having help as a huge impact in our happiness.

The PP seems out of touch. She didn't have to escalate with the PP - first to call them triggered, then a loser?! Hoping it's a just troll and the thread can move on.