Sexless-ness is an acceptable negative outcome from marriage
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
P.s. this after 32 yrs married & still hot for DW. |
Anonymous
|
My experience:
I was married for nearly 20 years, young child. My DW -- whom I loved -- decided she wasn't interested in sex anymore. We both worked; I did all the chores at home, did the DIY thing around the house, I did almost all the cooking, I was (and am!) deeply involved with my child's life. I did everything I was "supposed" to do -- treated her well, supported her endeavors, had long conversations with her about the things that were important to her, etc ... After years -- yes, years -- of no sex, I basically told her a) I needed emotional and physical intimacy and would look elsewhere if it came to that (not cheat -- divorce), and c) we needed to see a therapist. She agreed, and in the course of therapy, I began to realize this wasn't just about a sexless marriage, but it was also about her never putting any effort into the things that were important to me. I jumped through hoops for her time and time again -- boy, could I give you examples -- and was treated terribly for the trouble of doing so. She claimed that she was willing to work on some of these issues, but as time went on, it was clear that she was not able to do so. After 18 months of counseling we separated, and will get divorced in February. It's been wonderful. Instead of being a parent to a child and a woman-child, I'm now just ... a parent. Instead of doing all the work for 3, I'm doing all the work for 2. It's a welcome relief to do something with my child without the added stress of: first, being told not to do it; and then watching her do the very same thing (nope, I don't understand it either, but it would happen multiple times a week). The lower levels of stress also mean that I've been able to give my child more of the attention they need and create a more loving environment for them. It wasn't awful before, but it's better now. Why post? Partly because it's cathartic. Okay, maybe largely because it's cathartic. But I also get tired of reading posts that make it sound like the only failed relationships out there are due to "men's right activist" types who are married to the perfect DW. There are both men *and* women out there who are unwilling to work at the relationships they're in. You wouldn't know it from reading many of these threads ... but sometimes the man really isn't the problem. Also -- don't wait as long as I did to have a direct and honest discussion with your spouse if you're having issues. Given our problems, I don't think the outcome would have changed -- things would have ended the same way (happier) sooner. Could be that the right solution for you is to stay together, but regardless of the direction you go, you'll both be better off having gone the work. |
Anonymous
| I went through a period where I was no longer interested in sex - resentment toward DH, everyday stresses, and hormones. But I slowly came out of that. Unfortunately DH was having an affair. In the end we divorced and my sex life with boyfriend is great. |
Anonymous
You could be my wife. She had resentment towards me, some of it fair, some not. Cut me off, I had an affair was caught, we split. We both have partners we are better suited with, I am sure her sex life is great as is mine. Our kids lost in this if we were both honest about it |
Anonymous
I don’t want to say I cut him off. That is exactly how he would say it. I was going through a lot and then when I came out of it, he didnt seem interested anymore. I then found out about his affair and we split. He had ended the affair and wanted to reconcile but I couldn’t do it to myself. |
Anonymous
I get that it’s both parties who are at fault but why cheat? Keep your integrity and divorce. Cheating affects your kids as well. What new skills have you learned so that you don’t end up where you are against. |
Anonymous
Lessons learned? I won't marry again. I can't keep a monogamous commitment if my partner loses interest in sex so I won't take a vow again. If we grow sexless, it's a sign the relationship is over |
Anonymous
She cut him off sex so of COURSE he getting it elsewhere. This isn’t really cheating because their marriage wasn’t a sexual relationship so he no longer owed her fidelity. It wasn’t his cheating that affected their kids: it was her hypocritical decision to divorce ONLY upon discovering he is still a normal man having an active sex life. So blame her for their divorce. Maybe the lesson you think he should learn is to officially declare the marriage open? |
Anonymous
Or work on the underlying issues on their marriage??! Obviously his ex wife wanted to have sex but not with him at that time given whatever issues they had. Why not work on the marriage and see if you can fix things? That’s what I asked my ex husband after I found about his affair. He was extremely regretful but it was too much to take at that point. Our family and kids and our extended families suffered greatly bc of our divorce. Nothing will ever be the same again. I’ve moved on and am in a relationship now but I do feel sad for my kids and our families. It was a huge trauma that we still struggle with. I personally struggle a lot with his affair. It’s better of course that we are divorced but it changed me irreparably. |
Anonymous
Obviously his ex wife did NOT want to have sex, because A) she wasn't having sex B) she wasn't working on their "issues" Yes, divorce does affect the kids! That is exactly what makes sex outside the marriage so important to AVOID divorce. If you aren't having sex with spouse, an affair is the one thing saving your marriage from divorce. If affairs bother you, either resolve the marital issues/resume sex, or get divorced. |
Anonymous
Maybe one could give you the same response: why didn't you work on the underlying issues in the marriage instead of getting a divorce? Is "blaming the victim" only a one-way street here? |
Anonymous
Why would anyone address it before getting married? "Honey, you should know that within ten years sex will end and I just want to give you a heads up." Cancel the wedding! A lack of sex evolves over time for many reasons and leads to many divorces which means it is one of the most important benefits of marriage. Many marriages survive it but marriage should be better than just surviving. Obviously health and age issues can lead to sexless marriages. |
Anonymous
Well some evolves others start during the dating. If sex is not a priority during dating it will not be a priority when married. Pay attention when dating. If you are with a sex orchid(ie everything has to be prefect for sex) it will never get better. |
Anonymous
The only thing to address is does the sexless spouse want to know about the affairs, or would he/she prefer a DADT arrangement to save the marriage. Lack of sex is easily solved via outsourcing and need not cause divorce. But outrage over affairs seems to be a big deal for some hypocritical types. |
Anonymous
| I had a sex filled marriage (3-4 times per week) at 22 years and my spouse had an affair. I would have preferred a heads up that whatever inner sh@t he was going through was leading him to get external validation from a stranger. He needed therapy but instead of fixing inside he turned outside. Left a wake of destruction by doing this... |