Sexless-ness is an acceptable negative outcome from marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men just tend to believe the world revolves around them and cant understand how a woman has the audacity not to cater to them when THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX!!!!!! It's an entitlement, petulant child thing. But anyway...just ignore.

Yeah, imagine the nerve of these guys, agreeing to sexual exclusivity, then not getting any sex, then getting mad about it. 🙄🙄🙄

Right. Sexual exclusivity is not "sex whenever I want it". That's not what exclusive means.

Who is talking about “sex whenever I want it” because I must have missed that post.
Agree exclusivity is NOT “whenever” but it IS “frequent enough to meet normal needs”.
If you can’t commit to that you better be flexible on that exclusivity part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks for the responses. As a single woman, I meet divorced men from sexless marriages.

I meant to add that many are really emotionally damaged from being in sexless marriages.

I used to think that way before I was married. Poor guys! It’s not fair they were denied sex, sex is awesome!

Then I got married and I understand it now. It’s not that these women are secretly horny and denying their husbands as punishment, or that they consciously flip the off switch.

Sex is just as much of a biological drive for women as it is for men - but works the opposite as it does in men since the consequences (pregnancy) are much greater. For most of human history, women who got pregnant from men who were poor partners couldn’t care for the child alone, and the child would die. Several months or years of a woman’s fertile years would then be wasted, while a man could impregnate dozens of women in that time, and odds are one child would survive.

So the female brain looks for reasons NOT to have sex. It pays to be very picky about who you sleep with. Even though we now have birth control and resources for single moms, our biology is still the same.

Every single woman I know who lost interest in sex (including me) did so because their body recognized it wasn’t safe. Their husbands were poor fathers, emotionally unavailable (which makes the bonding aspect of sex painful), abusive, entitled, etc. Once they get out of that relationship and into a good one, sex drive comes roaring back.

When I dated divorced men after my own divorce, every time a man has mentioned his wife lost interest, I could immediately see why. Most left their kids to pursue their career or lifestyle (seriously....one guy abandoned his kids so he could live somewhere with snowboarding). Or they let most of the childcare fall on their wives and couldn’t even feed a toddler. Or they didn’t respect boundaries, or had a drinking problem, or couldn’t control their temper.

Unfortunately we’re socialized to believe that men are entitled to sex (every woman I know has put out on a date because she felt obliged, not because she wanted to). But we’re not taught that it’s a two way street, and that men need to meet women’s needs as well. If you talked to those men’s’ wives, you’d find that the men contributed very little to the health of their marriage.

FYI....I’d be very cautious dating a man who blames his ex wife for the end of their marriage, and especially any man who claims to be emotionally damaged. Healthy people recognize the role they played in ending their marriage and they address their emotional issues in therapy. It’s not your job to heal their wounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think men just tend to believe the world revolves around them and cant understand how a woman has the audacity not to cater to them when THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX!!!!!! It's an entitlement, petulant child thing. But anyway...just ignore.

who is the miserable man in your marriage that has to put up with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men just tend to believe the world revolves around them and cant understand how a woman has the audacity not to cater to them when THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX!!!!!! It's an entitlement, petulant child thing. But anyway...just ignore.

who is the miserable man in your marriage that has to put up with you?

A lucky man that gets sex a lot because 1) he's taken care of himself physically and kept himself trim and in shape 2) he's attentive to me and keeps the connection and spark going by being empathetic and kind to me and not being entitled

I feel bad for these women that deal with men that think grunting is foreplay and "I want it!!!" like a toddler is the way to a woman's heart. Actually, they don't care about a woman's heart, all they care about is what's between the legs. So... the chickens come home to roost. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately we’re socialized to believe that men are entitled to sex (every woman I know has put out on a date because she felt obliged, not because she wanted to).

Wut. How come I’ve never met any of these women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Unfortunately we’re socialized to believe that men are entitled to sex (every woman I know has put out on a date because she felt obliged, not because she wanted to).

Wut. How come I’ve never met any of these women?

You have you're just so unbelievably entitled that you expect even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks for the responses. As a single woman, I meet divorced men from sexless marriages.

I meant to add that many are really emotionally damaged from being in sexless marriages.

I used to think that way before I was married. Poor guys! It’s not fair they were denied sex, sex is awesome!

Then I got married and I understand it now. It’s not that these women are secretly horny and denying their husbands as punishment, or that they consciously flip the off switch.

Sex is just as much of a biological drive for women as it is for men - but works the opposite as it does in men since the consequences (pregnancy) are much greater. For most of human history, women who got pregnant from men who were poor partners couldn’t care for the child alone, and the child would die. Several months or years of a woman’s fertile years would then be wasted, while a man could impregnate dozens of women in that time, and odds are one child would survive.

So the female brain looks for reasons NOT to have sex. It pays to be very picky about who you sleep with. Even though we now have birth control and resources for single moms, our biology is still the same.

Every single woman I know who lost interest in sex (including me) did so because their body recognized it wasn’t safe. Their husbands were poor fathers, emotionally unavailable (which makes the bonding aspect of sex painful), abusive, entitled, etc. Once they get out of that relationship and into a good one, sex drive comes roaring back.

When I dated divorced men after my own divorce, every time a man has mentioned his wife lost interest, I could immediately see why. Most left their kids to pursue their career or lifestyle (seriously....one guy abandoned his kids so he could live somewhere with snowboarding). Or they let most of the childcare fall on their wives and couldn’t even feed a toddler. Or they didn’t respect boundaries, or had a drinking problem, or couldn’t control their temper.

Unfortunately we’re socialized to believe that men are entitled to sex (every woman I know has put out on a date because she felt obliged, not because she wanted to). But we’re not taught that it’s a two way street, and that men need to meet women’s needs as well. If you talked to those men’s’ wives, you’d find that the men contributed very little to the health of their marriage.

FYI....I’d be very cautious dating a man who blames his ex wife for the end of their marriage, and especially any man who claims to be emotionally damaged. Healthy people recognize the role they played in ending their marriage and they address their emotional issues in therapy. It’s not your job to heal their wounds.

There is a lot of wisdom in this comment.

Another thing I find odd is when people say "we had kids and then never had sex again." I think in many cases men get frustrated when sex doesn't return to its previous frequency quickly enough after children come along. Men seem to think things can be back to "normal" within a year or less. This reflects the very different levels of parenting responsibility men and women have, especially for young kids.

I dare men in this situation to spend a week doing as much caregiving as their wives do and then see what happens to their sex drives. For me, it didn't come back until kids were in school. That was how long it took before I started to feel like I could be an independent person again. Before that, I was so tired all the time from work and childcare, and my kids just seemed to need so much from me physically and emotionally. Sex was a really difficult thing to add to that mix. Once a month, if that. But once the kids were in school? Back to normal. Maybe even better than normal. It wasn't a blip but it wasn't the end of our sex life either.

Men who don't get that don't deserve sex, honestly. Women go through hell to create kids. Give us a damn break.

[Anonymous]

Another thing I find odd is when people say "we had kids and then never had sex again." I think in many cases men get frustrated when sex doesn't return to its previous frequency quickly enough after children come along. Men seem to think things can be back to "normal" within a year or less. This reflects the very different levels of parenting responsibility men and women have, especially for young kids.

I dare men in this situation to spend a week doing as much caregiving as their wives do and then see what happens to their sex drives. For me, it didn't come back until kids were in school. That was how long it took before I started to feel like I could be an independent person again. Before that, I was so tired all the time from work and childcare, and my kids just seemed to need so much from me physically and emotionally. Sex was a really difficult thing to add to that mix. Once a month, if that. But once the kids were in school? Back to normal. Maybe even better than normal. It wasn't a blip but it wasn't the end of our sex life either.

This is a bunch of bullshit. Ask any man who has multiple kids. Somehow, when she wants to get pregnant with kid #2/3/4, she doesn’t care about being “tired” and doing “more caregiving”. Nope, then it’s “get in here and f*ck me, buster!” In short, when she wants to have sex, she will find a way, and at other times she’s just making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Another thing I find odd is when people say "we had kids and then never had sex again." I think in many cases men get frustrated when sex doesn't return to its previous frequency quickly enough after children come along. Men seem to think things can be back to "normal" within a year or less. This reflects the very different levels of parenting responsibility men and women have, especially for young kids.

I dare men in this situation to spend a week doing as much caregiving as their wives do and then see what happens to their sex drives. For me, it didn't come back until kids were in school. That was how long it took before I started to feel like I could be an independent person again. Before that, I was so tired all the time from work and childcare, and my kids just seemed to need so much from me physically and emotionally. Sex was a really difficult thing to add to that mix. Once a month, if that. But once the kids were in school? Back to normal. Maybe even better than normal. It wasn't a blip but it wasn't the end of our sex life either.

This is a bunch of bullshit. Ask any man who has multiple kids. Somehow, when she wants to get pregnant with kid #2/3/4, she doesn’t care about being “tired” and doing “more caregiving”. Nope, then it’s “get in here and f*ck me, buster!” In short, when she wants to have sex, she will find a way, and at other times she’s just making excuses.

LOL I love the self righteousness of "she'll only have sex with me when she wants to! And not when she doesnt! This is an outrage!" newsflash, dude: you should only be having sex with people who want to have sex with you. Period. If you dont want to have sex, fine. But if she doesnt, that's also fine. Learn to accept it and stop throwing tantrums- it's so unattractive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks for the responses. As a single woman, I meet divorced men from sexless marriages.

I meant to add that many are really emotionally damaged from being in sexless marriages.

I used to think that way before I was married. Poor guys! It’s not fair they were denied sex, sex is awesome!

Then I got married and I understand it now. It’s not that these women are secretly horny and denying their husbands as punishment, or that they consciously flip the off switch.

Sex is just as much of a biological drive for women as it is for men - but works the opposite as it does in men since the consequences (pregnancy) are much greater. For most of human history, women who got pregnant from men who were poor partners couldn’t care for the child alone, and the child would die. Several months or years of a woman’s fertile years would then be wasted, while a man could impregnate dozens of women in that time, and odds are one child would survive.

So the female brain looks for reasons NOT to have sex. It pays to be very picky about who you sleep with. Even though we now have birth control and resources for single moms, our biology is still the same.

Every single woman I know who lost interest in sex (including me) did so because their body recognized it wasn’t safe. Their husbands were poor fathers, emotionally unavailable (which makes the bonding aspect of sex painful), abusive, entitled, etc. Once they get out of that relationship and into a good one, sex drive comes roaring back.

When I dated divorced men after my own divorce, every time a man has mentioned his wife lost interest, I could immediately see why. Most left their kids to pursue their career or lifestyle (seriously....one guy abandoned his kids so he could live somewhere with snowboarding). Or they let most of the childcare fall on their wives and couldn’t even feed a toddler. Or they didn’t respect boundaries, or had a drinking problem, or couldn’t control their temper.

Unfortunately we’re socialized to believe that men are entitled to sex (every woman I know has put out on a date because she felt obliged, not because she wanted to). But we’re not taught that it’s a two way street, and that men need to meet women’s needs as well. If you talked to those men’s’ wives, you’d find that the men contributed very little to the health of their marriage.

FYI....I’d be very cautious dating a man who blames his ex wife for the end of their marriage, and especially any man who claims to be emotionally damaged. Healthy people recognize the role they played in ending their marriage and they address their emotional issues in therapy. It’s not your job to heal their wounds.

I am not going to disagree with anything you've just said. In fact I will double down and say you are 100% correct on all points.
My sole criticism is that you stopped without saying what it means once the sex stops: it means get out because the marriage itself is over!

Wives who do not want sex: file for divorce immediately.
Men whose wives don't want sex ... yet there you are STILL MARRIED: your wife, knowing the marriage is over, has chosen not to divorce and wants to stay together as platonic room mates, which means you are free to date and pursue sex elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Another thing I find odd is when people say "we had kids and then never had sex again." I think in many cases men get frustrated when sex doesn't return to its previous frequency quickly enough after children come along. Men seem to think things can be back to "normal" within a year or less. This reflects the very different levels of parenting responsibility men and women have, especially for young kids.

I dare men in this situation to spend a week doing as much caregiving as their wives do and then see what happens to their sex drives. For me, it didn't come back until kids were in school. That was how long it took before I started to feel like I could be an independent person again. Before that, I was so tired all the time from work and childcare, and my kids just seemed to need so much from me physically and emotionally. Sex was a really difficult thing to add to that mix. Once a month, if that. But once the kids were in school? Back to normal. Maybe even better than normal. It wasn't a blip but it wasn't the end of our sex life either.

This is a bunch of bullshit. Ask any man who has multiple kids. Somehow, when she wants to get pregnant with kid #2/3/4, she doesn’t care about being “tired” and doing “more caregiving”. Nope, then it’s “get in here and f*ck me, buster!” In short, when she wants to have sex, she will find a way, and at other times she’s just making excuses.

LOL I love the self righteousness of "she'll only have sex with me when she wants to! And not when she doesnt! This is an outrage!" newsflash, dude: you should only be having sex with people who want to have sex with you. Period. If you dont want to have sex, fine. But if she doesnt, that's also fine. Learn to accept it and stop throwing tantrums- it's so unattractive

Agree that no woman should have unwanted sex. Totally fine. But..... a woman who rarely WANTS sex better be flexible on her definition of exclusive.

[Anonymous]

^stop with the alarmist scare tactics intended to pressure women into panic sex, creep.

The fact is most modern marriages, particularly among UMC and UC families, are not for love between two people anyway. They are essentially a structure intended to optimize the raising of children. So most people arent getting married because they are in some Romeo and Juliet mindset- they get married because they realize the person has desirable genes and a good disposition to be a good parent. So it would be ludicrous to get divorced when "the love is over". That's like quitting a job because you got bored or tired. Stupid and not considering of the long game

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Another thing I find odd is when people say "we had kids and then never had sex again." I think in many cases men get frustrated when sex doesn't return to its previous frequency quickly enough after children come along. Men seem to think things can be back to "normal" within a year or less. This reflects the very different levels of parenting responsibility men and women have, especially for young kids.

I dare men in this situation to spend a week doing as much caregiving as their wives do and then see what happens to their sex drives. For me, it didn't come back until kids were in school. That was how long it took before I started to feel like I could be an independent person again. Before that, I was so tired all the time from work and childcare, and my kids just seemed to need so much from me physically and emotionally. Sex was a really difficult thing to add to that mix. Once a month, if that. But once the kids were in school? Back to normal. Maybe even better than normal. It wasn't a blip but it wasn't the end of our sex life either.

This is a bunch of bullshit. Ask any man who has multiple kids. Somehow, when she wants to get pregnant with kid #2/3/4, she doesn’t care about being “tired” and doing “more caregiving”. Nope, then it’s “get in here and f*ck me, buster!” In short, when she wants to have sex, she will find a way, and at other times she’s just making excuses.

LOL I love the self righteousness of "she'll only have sex with me when she wants to! And not when she doesnt! This is an outrage!" newsflash, dude: you should only be having sex with people who want to have sex with you. Period. If you dont want to have sex, fine. But if she doesnt, that's also fine. Learn to accept it and stop throwing tantrums- it's so unattractive

Agree that no woman should have unwanted sex. Totally fine. But..... a woman who rarely WANTS sex better be flexible on her definition of exclusive.

She surely does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^stop with the alarmist scare tactics intended to pressure women into panic sex, creep.

The fact is most modern marriages, particularly among UMC and UC families, are not for love between two people anyway. They are essentially a structure intended to optimize the raising of children. So most people arent getting married because they are in some Romeo and Juliet mindset- they get married because they realize the person has desirable genes and a good disposition to be a good parent. So it would be ludicrous to get divorced when "the love is over". That's like quitting a job because you got bored or tired. Stupid and not considering of the long game

Where did I pressure women to have panic sex? Dead wrong! My only statement directed at wives who don't want sex is to get divorced. So you are now going to disagree with me on that? Really?

If you want to make the case that a sexless platonic marriage should continue, well guess what I agree! It make practical sense, especially with kids. Just agree with me that platonic room mates have no expectation of fidelity, and I think we are all square.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^stop with the alarmist scare tactics intended to pressure women into panic sex, creep.

The fact is most modern marriages, particularly among UMC and UC families, are not for love between two people anyway. They are essentially a structure intended to optimize the raising of children. So most people arent getting married because they are in some Romeo and Juliet mindset- they get married because they realize the person has desirable genes and a good disposition to be a good parent. So it would be ludicrous to get divorced when "the love is over". That's like quitting a job because you got bored or tired. Stupid and not considering of the long game

Where did I pressure women to have panic sex? Dead wrong! My only statement directed at wives who don't want sex is to get divorced. So you are now going to disagree with me on that? Really?

If you want to make the case that a sexless platonic marriage should continue, well guess what I agree! It make practical sense, especially with kids. Just agree with me that platonic room mates have no expectation of fidelity, and I think we are all square.

I dont agree. That wouldn't be a marriage. We're not animals, and we shouldn't be chained to our basest instincts. As an adult, you should have the self control to last through periods of "I'm not having sex when I want it!" there are plenty of dissatisfactions people have during a marriage, and you have to deal with it as an adult. Trying to pressure a person into sex acts they dont want is never okay, and is very regressive