Sexless-ness is an acceptable negative outcome from marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through a period where I was no longer interested in sex - resentment toward DH, everyday stresses, and hormones. But I slowly came out of that. Unfortunately DH was having an affair. In the end we divorced and my sex life with boyfriend is great.

You could be my wife.

She had resentment towards me, some of it fair, some not. Cut me off, I had an affair was caught, we split. We both have partners we are better suited with, I am sure her sex life is great as is mine.

Our kids lost in this if we were both honest about it

I get that it’s both parties who are at fault but why cheat? Keep your integrity and divorce. Cheating affects your kids as well.

What new skills have you learned so that you don’t end up where you are against.

She cut him off sex so of COURSE he getting it elsewhere. This isn’t really cheating because their marriage wasn’t a sexual relationship so he no longer owed her fidelity. It wasn’t his cheating that affected their kids: it was her hypocritical decision to divorce ONLY upon discovering he is still a normal man having an active sex life. So blame her for their divorce.

Maybe the lesson you think he should learn is to officially declare the marriage open?

Or work on the underlying issues on their marriage??! Obviously his ex wife wanted to have sex but not with him at that time given whatever issues they had. Why not work on the marriage and see if you can fix things? That’s what I asked my ex husband after I found about his affair. He was extremely regretful but it was too much to take at that point. Our family and kids and our extended families suffered greatly bc of our divorce. Nothing will ever be the same again. I’ve moved on and am in a relationship now but I do feel sad for my kids and our families. It was a huge trauma that we still struggle with. I personally struggle a lot with his affair. It’s better of course that we are divorced but it changed me irreparably.

Obviously his ex wife did NOT want to have sex, because A) she wasn't having sex B) she wasn't working on their "issues"

Yes, divorce does affect the kids! That is exactly what makes sex outside the marriage so important to AVOID divorce.

If you aren't having sex with spouse, an affair is the one thing saving your marriage from divorce.
If affairs bother you, either resolve the marital issues/resume sex, or get divorced.

Based on his post it sounds like she found someone else after divorce. As I said she didn’t want to have sex with him at the time, not forever. I don’t know about his case but in my case I tried to work on our relationship issues but DH wasn’t interested. He wanted to be the same way he was and the resentment I had built up. I shut down for awhile but then started working hard on myself. We had a few years where things were getting really good but the. I found out about the affair.

If you think affairs save you from divorce, you’re wrong. We had found one another again but the affair burned it all down. Rather than work on himself and us, he lied to me. Our marriage would’ve survived and been great bc we worked out many many of our issues but ultimately I could not get over his affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through a period where I was no longer interested in sex - resentment toward DH, everyday stresses, and hormones. But I slowly came out of that. Unfortunately DH was having an affair. In the end we divorced and my sex life with boyfriend is great.

You could be my wife.

She had resentment towards me, some of it fair, some not. Cut me off, I had an affair was caught, we split. We both have partners we are better suited with, I am sure her sex life is great as is mine.

Our kids lost in this if we were both honest about it

I get that it’s both parties who are at fault but why cheat? Keep your integrity and divorce. Cheating affects your kids as well.

What new skills have you learned so that you don’t end up where you are against.

She cut him off sex so of COURSE he getting it elsewhere. This isn’t really cheating because their marriage wasn’t a sexual relationship so he no longer owed her fidelity. It wasn’t his cheating that affected their kids: it was her hypocritical decision to divorce ONLY upon discovering he is still a normal man having an active sex life. So blame her for their divorce.

Maybe the lesson you think he should learn is to officially declare the marriage open?

Or work on the underlying issues on their marriage??! Obviously his ex wife wanted to have sex but not with him at that time given whatever issues they had. Why not work on the marriage and see if you can fix things? That’s what I asked my ex husband after I found about his affair. He was extremely regretful but it was too much to take at that point. Our family and kids and our extended families suffered greatly bc of our divorce. Nothing will ever be the same again. I’ve moved on and am in a relationship now but I do feel sad for my kids and our families. It was a huge trauma that we still struggle with. I personally struggle a lot with his affair. It’s better of course that we are divorced but it changed me irreparably.

Obviously his ex wife did NOT want to have sex, because A) she wasn't having sex B) she wasn't working on their "issues"

Yes, divorce does affect the kids! That is exactly what makes sex outside the marriage so important to AVOID divorce.

If you aren't having sex with spouse, an affair is the one thing saving your marriage from divorce.
If affairs bother you, either resolve the marital issues/resume sex, or get divorced.

Based on his post it sounds like she found someone else after divorce. As I said she didn’t want to have sex with him at the time, not forever. I don’t know about his case but in my case I tried to work on our relationship issues but DH wasn’t interested. He wanted to be the same way he was and the resentment I had built up. I shut down for awhile but then started working hard on myself. We had a few years where things were getting really good but the. I found out about the affair.

If you think affairs save you from divorce, you’re wrong. We had found one another again but the affair burned it all down. Rather than work on himself and us, he lied to me. Our marriage would’ve survived and been great bc we worked out many many of our issues but ultimately I could not get over his affair.

+100

It's such an idiotic thing to say that affairs save marriages. Nobody who is having an affair is invested in their marriage, spouse or family. They are not no matter how much they protest otherwise. They are lying to themselves. You can't repeatedly lie, betray and spend time and resources elsewhere, invest in somebody else and have a good marriage. You can't. You may be physically there, but you checked out long ago and it shows in all kinds of little microscopic ways that chip and spill into your interactions with your spouse and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through a period where I was no longer interested in sex - resentment toward DH, everyday stresses, and hormones. But I slowly came out of that. Unfortunately DH was having an affair. In the end we divorced and my sex life with boyfriend is great.

You could be my wife.

She had resentment towards me, some of it fair, some not. Cut me off, I had an affair was caught, we split. We both have partners we are better suited with, I am sure her sex life is great as is mine.

Our kids lost in this if we were both honest about it

I get that it’s both parties who are at fault but why cheat? Keep your integrity and divorce. Cheating affects your kids as well.

What new skills have you learned so that you don’t end up where you are against.

She cut him off sex so of COURSE he getting it elsewhere. This isn’t really cheating because their marriage wasn’t a sexual relationship so he no longer owed her fidelity. It wasn’t his cheating that affected their kids: it was her hypocritical decision to divorce ONLY upon discovering he is still a normal man having an active sex life. So blame her for their divorce.

Maybe the lesson you think he should learn is to officially declare the marriage open?

Or work on the underlying issues on their marriage??! Obviously his ex wife wanted to have sex but not with him at that time given whatever issues they had. Why not work on the marriage and see if you can fix things? That’s what I asked my ex husband after I found about his affair. He was extremely regretful but it was too much to take at that point. Our family and kids and our extended families suffered greatly bc of our divorce. Nothing will ever be the same again. I’ve moved on and am in a relationship now but I do feel sad for my kids and our families. It was a huge trauma that we still struggle with. I personally struggle a lot with his affair. It’s better of course that we are divorced but it changed me irreparably.

Obviously his ex wife did NOT want to have sex, because A) she wasn't having sex B) she wasn't working on their "issues"

Yes, divorce does affect the kids! That is exactly what makes sex outside the marriage so important to AVOID divorce.

If you aren't having sex with spouse, an affair is the one thing saving your marriage from divorce.
If affairs bother you, either resolve the marital issues/resume sex, or get divorced.

Based on his post it sounds like she found someone else after divorce. As I said she didn’t want to have sex with him at the time, not forever. I don’t know about his case but in my case I tried to work on our relationship issues but DH wasn’t interested. He wanted to be the same way he was and the resentment I had built up. I shut down for awhile but then started working hard on myself. We had a few years where things were getting really good but the. I found out about the affair.

If you think affairs save you from divorce, you’re wrong. We had found one another again but the affair burned it all down. Rather than work on himself and us, he lied to me. Our marriage would’ve survived and been great bc we worked out many many of our issues but ultimately I could not get over his affair.

The key point that you (and others for whom “sex is optional”) skip right over is that your marriage would have ended pretty quickly without his affair. You would not have been together long enough to “find one another again” that was possible only because he was getting sex elsewhere. His affair did not cause your divorce. Your marriage ended back when you stopped having sex with your husband. From that point onward, the affair was essential to stability in the home, allowed him to be a pleasant room mate, and indeed saved your marriage.

The problem was your hypocrisy that sex is no big deal .... except you made it a big deal when he found elsewhere what you did not want.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. “Declare the marriage open” guy is so tiresome. We get it, you figured the easy way out and sleep around rather than working on your marriage. Congrats.

I always wonder what those guys will be thinking when they’re old and in a nursing home. “I’m all alone and my kids want nothing to do with me, but hey, at least I got off a lot”.

[Anonymous]

I have often thought marriage vows should include sex once a week except postpartum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. “Declare the marriage open” guy is so tiresome. We get it, you figured the easy way out and sleep around rather than working on your marriage. Congrats.

I always wonder what those guys will be thinking when they’re old and in a nursing home. “I’m all alone and my kids want nothing to do with me, but hey, at least I got off a lot”.

In the real world, there is a happy medium between open marriage guy and people like the PP who reduce sex and intimacy to 'getting off'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have often thought marriage vows should include sex once a week except postpartum

What do you think “to have and to hold” is getting at? The “for better or worse” crowd tends to skip over that vow.

[Anonymous]

None of the people I know that are divorced because of affairs had a sexless marriage. Their husbands/wives had a midlife crisis and sought admiration from a stranger. They were all having regular sex at home. This true sexless stuff accounts for a small portion of affairs. Affairs are due to something wrong inside the cheater that they never address so they turn outward to try and fix it....that never works. They end up bitter and alone.

[Anonymous]

^ it’s the cart before the horse. The cheater is often an @Sshole at home and alienates the spouse through his/her actions such that resentment builds before they even step outside to look for sex. If they were t such flaming, critical @ssholes they’d be getting laid and not have to lie to a stranger with their fake facade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have often thought marriage vows should include sex once a week except postpartum

What do you think “to have and to hold” is getting at? The “for better or worse” crowd tends to skip over that vow.

What's the for better or worse crowd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ it’s the cart before the horse. The cheater is often an @Sshole at home and alienates the spouse through his/her actions such that resentment builds before they even step outside to look for sex. If they were t such flaming, critical @ssholes they’d be getting laid and not have to lie to a stranger with their fake facade.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of the people I know that are divorced because of affairs had a sexless marriage. Their husbands/wives had a midlife crisis and sought admiration from a stranger. They were all having regular sex at home. This true sexless stuff accounts for a small portion of affairs. Affairs are due to something wrong inside the cheater that they never address so they turn outward to try and fix it....that never works. They end up bitter and alone.

Then your little anecdote really does not belong in a sexless marriage thread (like this one... see title) at all. Why post here?

While irrelevant, one thing I do find highly suspicious about your post is "all were having regular sex at home" because this assertion seems to be a pretty uncommon thing amongst even the general population of married people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ it’s the cart before the horse. The cheater is often an @Sshole at home and alienates the spouse through his/her actions such that resentment builds before they even step outside to look for sex. If they were t such flaming, critical @ssholes they’d be getting laid and not have to lie to a stranger with their fake facade.

Playing back the sequence you just gave:
a) Spouse #1 is an asshole
b) Spouse #2 stops wanting sex with the asshole
c) Spouse #1 now steps out for sex

If your theory is true, then Spouse #2 surely would just divorce the asshole long before Step c) right?

Maybe you will now claim Spouse #2 decides (for various reasons like ... money) to stay married to the asshole.
Why does Spouse #2 care that Spouse #1 is having an affair.. they are already an asshole, so what is the difference?
In fact, the affair makes Spouse #1 much less of an asshole than they would be without an affair, thereby benefiting Spouse #2.

Your logic makes no sense, at best it proves the theory that affairs save sexless marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ it’s the cart before the horse. The cheater is often an @Sshole at home and alienates the spouse through his/her actions such that resentment builds before they even step outside to look for sex. If they were t such flaming, critical @ssholes they’d be getting laid and not have to lie to a stranger with their fake facade.

Playing back the sequence you just gave:
a) Spouse #1 is an asshole
b) Spouse #2 stops wanting sex with the asshole
c) Spouse #1 now steps out for sex

If your theory is true, then Spouse #2 surely would just divorce the asshole long before Step c) right?

Maybe you will now claim Spouse #2 decides (for various reasons like ... money) to stay married to the asshole.
Why does Spouse #2 care that Spouse #1 is having an affair.. they are already an asshole, so what is the difference?
In fact, the affair makes Spouse #1 much less of an asshole than they would be without an affair, thereby benefiting Spouse #2.

Your logic makes no sense, at best it proves the theory that affairs save sexless marriages.

Failure to see fault in your domineering a@shole behavior. Key.

You try to address the issues before you make a unilateral decision to stick your d@ck in someone outside the marriage. Marriage means working on things and not lying and deceiving and endangering a spouse’s health. It would also be helpful to know the ebbs and flows in a life-ling marriage. They all have ups and downs and it’s how you deal with that. If you had horrible parental role models it’s clear why you wouldn’t understand.

[Anonymous]

It’s quite clear why so many pps spouses don’t find them attractive and don’t want to f@ck them.