Reply to Sexless-ness is an acceptable negative outcome from marriage

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[quote=Anonymous]My experience:

I was married for nearly 20 years, young child.  My DW -- whom I loved -- decided she wasn't interested in sex anymore.  We both worked; I did all the chores at home, did the DIY thing around the house, I did almost all the cooking, I was (and am!) deeply involved with my child's life.  I did everything I was "supposed" to do -- treated her well, supported her endeavors, had long conversations with her about the things that were important to her, etc ... After years -- yes, years -- of no sex, I basically told her a) I needed emotional and physical intimacy and would look elsewhere if it came to that (not cheat -- divorce), and c) we needed to see a therapist.   She agreed, and in the course of therapy, I began to realize this wasn't just about a sexless marriage, but it was also about her never putting any effort into the things that were important to me.  I jumped through hoops for her time and time again -- boy, could I give you examples -- and was treated terribly for the trouble of doing so.  She claimed that she was willing to work on some of these issues, but as time went on, it was clear that she was not able to do so.

After 18 months of counseling we separated, and will get divorced in February.  It's been wonderful.  Instead of being a parent to a child and a woman-child, I'm now just ... a parent.  Instead of doing all the work for 3, I'm doing all the work for 2.  It's a welcome relief to do something with my child without the added stress of: first, being told not to do it; and then watching her do the very same thing (nope, I don't understand it either, but it would happen multiple times a week).  The lower levels of stress also mean that I've been able to give my child more of the attention they need and create a more loving environment for them.  It wasn't awful before, but it's better now.

Why post?  Partly because it's cathartic.  Okay, maybe largely because it's cathartic.  But I also get tired of reading posts that make it sound like the only failed relationships out there are due to "men's right activist" types who are married to the perfect DW.  There are both men *and* women out there who are unwilling to work at the relationships they're in.   You wouldn't know it from reading many of these threads ... but sometimes the man really isn't the problem.

Also -- don't wait as long as I did to have a direct and honest discussion with your spouse if you're having issues.  Given our problems, I don't think the outcome would have changed -- things would have ended the same way (happier) sooner.  Could be that the right solution for you is to stay together, but regardless of the direction you go, you'll both be better off having gone the work.  [/quote]

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