Sexless-ness is an acceptable negative outcome from marriage

[Anonymous]

The potential for a sexless relationship is a topic that is not well addressed when couples decide to get married. It is an acceptable outcome that should be weighed against the vast benefits of marriage. Why do so many people not understand that you will not get everything with marriage?

[Anonymous]

No one thinks they’re going to get everything.

Religious take: marriage literally is a bond between two people, cemented by sex. The same God who ordains marriage and considers fornication a sin, also urges couples to have sexual relations often to stay emotionally and physically in desire of one another.

Non-religions and basic humanity: committing to share every financial resource, loyalty and risk as a couple includes vows that should not be violated.

Denying sexual connection is just as much of a cheat (short on what is owed by not following the rules) as seeking sex outside of the vow you gave not to.

You should not expect getting more, but you shouldn’t advocate for accepting less than the conditions that established the initial trust and bond between you as a family.

[Anonymous]

And many people actually DO marry because the expect more. They would want more for themselves as an I dividual, we want more from our children as parents. Why would we lower standards and compromise on a general state of affairs?

Do you think because child abuse is common, that people should expect parents to beat their kids?

[Anonymous]

Studies show that on average married people have more sex than single not less.

[Anonymous]

If before we got married my husband said sexless-ness was likely in X years I would not have married him. If we were married for X years and he said it I’d have very big concerns but I would have to weigh the pros and cons. Thankfully he still loves sex after 31 years.

[Anonymous]

Based on the incessant whining in DCUM, the premise that marriage has “vast benefits” seems questionable.

[Anonymous]

Well, some pre-marriage classes do go over the many possibilities that lead to loss of sex in marriages, including totally normal biology, and encourage couples to discuss the what ifs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on the incessant whining in DCUM, the premise that marriage has “vast benefits” seems questionable.

The people who consider it a fair tradeoff aren't on here whining. You are getting selection bias.

[Anonymous]

Not sure how it factors into the discussion, but I was pretty resentful of our low-sex marriage (~10-15x per year) for about six or seven years. But after awhile, it stopped feeling all that important. Probably decreasing libido on my part as I approach 50 years old.

I guess the point is that you have to be careful when you're weighing the pros & cons. Ten years ago, I would have weighed low-sex pretty heavily in the negative column. Now, it's still negative, but not as heavily. Meanwhile, there are a lot of things I'd put on the positive side of the ledger.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to imagine when you are getting married.

Childlessness is a possible outcome of marriage as well. Even if you both enter with the intention to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Studies show that on average married people have more sex than single not less.

I definitely have more sex being married given I have a man in my bed every night. We don’t have sex every night but we could.

[Anonymous]

Couples in their 20s and 30s getting married, who are usually having sex all the time, do not contemplate there coming a point where they stop having sex. How would that conversation even go? "Honey, there may become a point where I unilaterally decide sex in our marriage is over, and we will be celibate. Cool?"

Sex is a barometer of marriage. If you aren't having it, your marriage is probably on the way out.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Thanks for the responses. As a single woman, I meet divorced men from sexless marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks for the responses. As a single woman, I meet divorced men from sexless marriages.

I meant to add that many are really emotionally damaged from being in sexless marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks for the responses. As a single woman, I meet divorced men from sexless marriages.

Being denied sex and intimacy is a form of abuse, just as bad as being cheated on if not worse. Not surprised that men (or women) who emerge from these have trouble trusting again.