Coming to terms with your teen being unmotivated and unimpressive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he sounds like a great kid, and you sound like you need some therapy around your own depression and expectations. I say that with all the love in the world. You’re thinking such critical, mean thoughts about him, and probably about yourself. You both deserve support!

Great? How does such a teen ever earn a living? My cousin was like this in his teens — he’s now an affable 37 year old... college dropout who has never had a real job and lives off his parents.

I know a ton of kids like this... so what do they do now 30 years later...

Builds houses retired at 50
paints cars make $100k/year
computer programmer, $100K/year
drives a taxi, $70K/year
Project Manager, IT, $140K/year
fixes cars, $80K/year
Works for a window replacement company, $80K/year
make/hangs signs (like signs by tomorrow), $80K/year
teacher, $90K/year
landscaping/removes trees, has 3 crews, $150K/year
builds furniture, $100K/year
replaces floors and cabinets in apartments $500K/year

I could go on forever, you need to get out of your bubble.

DP. Out of curiosity, how do you know the salaries?

Those salaries are not realistic. Taxi drivers don't make 70k, they have been undercut by uber.
Window replacement and sign hangers don't make 80k, they make 40-50k.
There are plenty of men hanging out in their parents' basements not making anything and playing video games. The guys I know who make 100K in blue collar jobs weren't that good of students in high school but most of them were really good athletes and were used to working hard. Several excelled in auto shop or woodshop and some had relatives who were in the trades and got them Union apprenticeships.

That's the thing, you have to work REALLY freaking hard and bust your hump to make that kind of money in a trade. It's a lot of physical labor and often ruins your body. That's why people haven't wanted to do it for so long.

It's not work for lazy, unmotivated types.

+ 1

I always laugh when people suggest trades for kids like this. It's really hard, often backbreaking work! That's why people tend not to want to do it.

There are non-backbreaking trades. My nephew went to a 2 year trade college for IT and coding and he does well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by all the people saying community college or a trade.

That's just not good enough for me and I'm not afraid to be honest about that.

For you? Be honest about it all you want. Prod and pressure him all you want. He’ll be over 18 at at that point. But you probably won’t be able to make him want what you want, and if you want him to ever be able to support himself someday independently you’re going to have to change your expectations. I’m guessing you view your kid as a trophy to be shown to your coworkers and neighbors. Try to think about what’s best for the individual kid rather than status.

I'll never support a child laying on the couch playing video games all day. Future deadbead right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he sounds like a great kid, and you sound like you need some therapy around your own depression and expectations. I say that with all the love in the world. You’re thinking such critical, mean thoughts about him, and probably about yourself. You both deserve support!

Great? How does such a teen ever earn a living? My cousin was like this in his teens — he’s now an affable 37 year old... college dropout who has never had a real job and lives off his parents.

I know a ton of kids like this... so what do they do now 30 years later...

Builds houses retired at 50
paints cars make $100k/year
computer programmer, $100K/year
drives a taxi, $70K/year
Project Manager, IT, $140K/year
fixes cars, $80K/year
Works for a window replacement company, $80K/year
make/hangs signs (like signs by tomorrow), $80K/year
teacher, $90K/year
landscaping/removes trees, has 3 crews, $150K/year
builds furniture, $100K/year
replaces floors and cabinets in apartments $500K/year

I could go on forever, you need to get out of your bubble.

DP. Out of curiosity, how do you know the salaries?

Those salaries are not realistic. Taxi drivers don't make 70k, they have been undercut by uber.
Window replacement and sign hangers don't make 80k, they make 40-50k.
There are plenty of men hanging out in their parents' basements not making anything and playing video games. The guys I know who make 100K in blue collar jobs weren't that good of students in high school but most of them were really good athletes and were used to working hard. Several excelled in auto shop or woodshop and some had relatives who were in the trades and got them Union apprenticeships.

That's the thing, you have to work REALLY freaking hard and bust your hump to make that kind of money in a trade. It's a lot of physical labor and often ruins your body. That's why people haven't wanted to do it for so long.

It's not work for lazy, unmotivated types.

+ 1

I always laugh when people suggest trades for kids like this. It's really hard, often backbreaking work! That's why people tend not to want to do it.

You can tell these people have never left their bubbles. They don't even know what they're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he’s just average? That’s OK, you know. Is he happy? Does he have friends?

+1. My teen DS plays more videogames than I'd like but I've learned that it's how he and his friends like to socialize. He's not at all competitive, doesn't like to join school teams/ clubs, but does well in class and, most importantly, he's kind and has good friends. He won't go to a college that DCUM finds impressive but I'm confident he'll find his way in life and be happy.

On DCUM a child is “average” because they “only” got a 1300 on the SAT or got a couple more Bs than As or only made district titles rather than state!

Grades are no longer a measure of success. ACT/SAT scores and college readiness rates are sliding, yet 50% of all 12th graders in the US have an A average GPA. Teens are several grade levels behind while maintaining As and Bs.

Do not look at your painfully unmotivated lazy child and pretend everything is ok because they have decent grades — EVERYONE has decent grades now. Nearly half the kids who begin college fail or drop out because they’re so many grade levels behind and have no discipline and no study skills.

NO EVERYONE does not have decent grades. I hate that DCUM perpetuates this lie. Plenty of kids in MCPS still struggle, and are "unimpressive". It's a very tough area to be average.

In 2019 my niece graduated from a half-decent public school district with a 3.33 GPA. Her parents bragged she was an As and Bs student who never had to study. She then decided to take classes at the local two-year community college, which required placement tests. She tested into remedial courses that were on par with 7th grade level material.

Grades are meaningless – especially non-honors and non-AP courses. And really, AP grades mean nothing if the kid can't earn at least a 3 on the AP Exam. Many kids take AP courses, get inflated grades, then totally skip or bomb the exams.

Oh shit.

That must have been a shock to them! I can't even imagine how humiliating that would be to find out. Damn.

Send thee to a nunnery!


In all seriousness, OP’s niece sounds like a below avg student who didn’t take advantage of her education, and she has a judgemental bitch of an aunt to boot.

[Anonymous]

Not to mention trades require training. It sounds like the kid doesn't want to leave the couch and folks think he's going to call a local union or community college and figure out how to start? Unlikely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s kid is the same as 99% of teenage boys now and in 2000 and in 1980. He’s probably not going to be a deadbeat. Damn y’all are pessimists!

Rationalization is a classic defense mechanism. "All boys are like this!" No, all boys are not like this. And no, it doesn't all magically work out in the end. There are over 10 million working prime age American men — 1 in 6 — who are unemployed and living in their childhood home.

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/06/the-missing-men/488858/

All of you need to learn about unconditional love. That seems to be missing on here! I told my kids I’d love them even if they never took an AP class. I told them I’d pay for any college within the budget. All 3 are happy, self-supporting, balanced adults.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

+1000 Even "dull, unmotivated" kids deserve to be adored by their moms. Good god, what is wrong with you people? Did you have children to satisfy YOUR needs to look good? Shame on you for using your children's lives to satisfy your own insecurities and make YOU feel like you have some value in the world. Work on yourself and love your kids for who they are.

Believe me, OP, it will take years of therapy for your DS to come to terms with what a crappy parent you were to him.

Well you're not doing any favors to a kid like that, who is content to waste their life playing video games, by pretending everything he does is fine. You're hurting him in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by all the people saying community college or a trade.

That's just not good enough for me and I'm not afraid to be honest about that.

For you? Be honest about it all you want. Prod and pressure him all you want. He’ll be over 18 at at that point. But you probably won’t be able to make him want what you want, and if you want him to ever be able to support himself someday independently you’re going to have to change your expectations. I’m guessing you view your kid as a trophy to be shown to your coworkers and neighbors. Try to think about what’s best for the individual kid rather than status.

I'll never support a child laying on the couch playing video games all day. Future deadbead right there.

PP. Okay, kick me out on the street then. Nobody’s forcing you to raise your teenager. How is a trade or cc graduate a deadbeat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to mention trades require training. It sounds like the kid doesn't want to leave the couch and folks think he's going to call a local union or community college and figure out how to start? Unlikely.

He’ll have to if OP decides that she’s not going to support him for the rest of his life (unless he’s paying the mortgage). Humans typically wisen up when they’re forced to.

[Anonymous]

I'm LOLing at all the posters who are saying "it's not Mark Zuckerberg or homeless."

Please, he's got no chance of being Mark Zuckerberg at this point. It's more like can he scrape by with a 50k job and can mom be happy with that OR homeless. And, by the way, it doesn't sound like she can by happy with the average life and that is the real issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s kid is the same as 99% of teenage boys now and in 2000 and in 1980. He’s probably not going to be a deadbeat. Damn y’all are pessimists!

Rationalization is a classic defense mechanism. "All boys are like this!" No, all boys are not like this. And no, it doesn't all magically work out in the end. There are over 10 million working prime age American men — 1 in 6 — who are unemployed and living in their childhood home.

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/06/the-missing-men/488858/

All of you need to learn about unconditional love. That seems to be missing on here! I told my kids I’d love them even if they never took an AP class. I told them I’d pay for any college within the budget. All 3 are happy, self-supporting, balanced adults.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

+1000 Even "dull, unmotivated" kids deserve to be adored by their moms. Good god, what is wrong with you people? Did you have children to satisfy YOUR needs to look good? Shame on you for using your children's lives to satisfy your own insecurities and make YOU feel like you have some value in the world. Work on yourself and love your kids for who they are.

Believe me, OP, it will take years of therapy for your DS to come to terms with what a crappy parent you were to him.

Well you're not doing any favors to a kid like that, who is content to waste their life playing video games, by pretending everything he does is fine. You're hurting him in the long run.

So many trolls. OP should take the games away if she doesn’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s kid is the same as 99% of teenage boys now and in 2000 and in 1980. He’s probably not going to be a deadbeat. Damn y’all are pessimists!

Rationalization is a classic defense mechanism. "All boys are like this!" No, all boys are not like this. And no, it doesn't all magically work out in the end. There are over 10 million working prime age American men — 1 in 6 — who are unemployed and living in their childhood home.

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/06/the-missing-men/488858/

All of you need to learn about unconditional love. That seems to be missing on here! I told my kids I’d love them even if they never took an AP class. I told them I’d pay for any college within the budget. All 3 are happy, self-supporting, balanced adults.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

+1000 Even "dull, unmotivated" kids deserve to be adored by their moms. Good god, what is wrong with you people? Did you have children to satisfy YOUR needs to look good? Shame on you for using your children's lives to satisfy your own insecurities and make YOU feel like you have some value in the world. Work on yourself and love your kids for who they are.

Believe me, OP, it will take years of therapy for your DS to come to terms with what a crappy parent you were to him.

Well you're not doing any favors to a kid like that, who is content to waste their life playing video games, by pretending everything he does is fine. You're hurting him in the long run.

THIS

I agree 10000%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm LOLing at all the posters who are saying "it's not Mark Zuckerberg or homeless."

Please, he's got no chance of being Mark Zuckerberg at this point. It's more like can he scrape by with a 50k job and can mom be happy with that OR homeless. And, by the way, it doesn't sound like she can by happy with the average life and that is the real issue.

There are many parts of the U.S where a $90-100k total hhi buys you a really nice life.

[Anonymous]

I want to know all the “impressive things” your angels are supposedly doing. What awards have you won? I’m all ears. Crickets...

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 yo. I think one of the problems with video games is it's how teenage boys without cars socialize.

They're all on Fortnite or whatever. It's hard to complain about that when they don't get to see their friends otherwise if they don't live in your neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm LOLing at all the posters who are saying "it's not Mark Zuckerberg or homeless."

Please, he's got no chance of being Mark Zuckerberg at this point. It's more like can he scrape by with a 50k job and can mom be happy with that OR homeless. And, by the way, it doesn't sound like she can by happy with the average life and that is the real issue.

Who gives a crap whether his mom is “happy” with that when HE IS AN ADULT. I’ve never even told my parents my income.