Advice to younger women to marry wisely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a sexist thread...

Well Yes. Of course. Given the subject, the responses MUST be sexist. Because women want different things in a marriage than men do.
Most obvious one is ... ironically ... sex itself. After 9 pages there have been maybe 1 or 2 posts that even remotely give any advice about "sex".
Clearly this means, to women, sex is just not very important in a marriage, hardly worth mentioning any advice about sex.

Which is EXACTLY what makes "sex" the #1 advice a man would give a younger man on marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No substance abuse
Wants to be employed
Good sense of humor
Good follow through - calls when promised, helps others when committed to doing so

At first sight this seems small, but it is an excellent filter.

I agree this is a good filter.

[Anonymous]

Don't overlook the diamonds in the rough.

There are many, many decent men out there.

I know of two extremely beautiful sisters in there late 30's
who are lonely and never been married. They would not date a guy who was balding. They would not date a guy who wore a baseball cap etc. They always complained about single men.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT even consider marrying someone who has kids, no matter what their age. Ever.

Once a person has children, those children will be a priority for life. As a second spouse you will be expected to take the back-burner in every way possible related to those children.

Your anniversary or birthday but it's the kids visitation time? Sorry, you will be expected to compromise.

Yet you WILL be expected to financially subsidize in any way possible. I know so many people who subsidize stepkids on their insurance, help pay for medical expenses, private schools, vacations, cars/insurance, college educations, clothing and other material goods.

Because (usually) father is still paying child support the second spouse is often paying the bulk of mortgage payments on the primary home.

Do not ever marry someone who had children. It never works out well. Even those who have younger children, there are always conflicts. Sometimes those conflicts don't show up until the kids are older but they always show up.

When faced with a choice, most people will put their children ahead of a second spouse. Almost always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - when people share horror stories of what type of men NOT to marry, when did you start seeing these issues? I am 37 and all but one of our friends has gotten divorced. Most of my friends seem to be in happy marriages. Is it coming later?

^correction. I meant to say all but one of our friends has stayed married. 2, now that I think of it.

Yes, the unhappiness starts in the middle school years, usually as the kids get more independent and the years of resentment from early childhood build up. Basically, if you were able to maintain a solid romantic and sexual relationship when the kids were young, you will probably be fine, if you neglected each other, it will come roaring back in affairs, resentment, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at his parent's marriage. That is what you can expect.

This is great advice. Remember that you’re not just marrying a man, you’re marrying his family and all the baggage that goes with it. Every family has it’s problems, but make sure they are ones you can deal with.

Also, close families are good but make sure that your potential spouse is truly an adult in the sense that they are willing to put a spouse’s needs ahead of those of his parents. I’ve seen it happen so often when the husband prioritizes Mom and Dad’s wishes over his wife’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - when people share horror stories of what type of men NOT to marry, when did you start seeing these issues? I am 37 and all but one of our friends has gotten divorced. Most of my friends seem to be in happy marriages. Is it coming later?

^correction. I meant to say all but one of our friends has stayed married. 2, now that I think of it.

Yes, the unhappiness starts in the middle school years, usually as the kids get more independent and the years of resentment from early childhood build up. Basically, if you were able to maintain a solid romantic and sexual relationship when the kids were young, you will probably be fine, if you neglected each other, it will come roaring back in affairs, resentment, etc

If there is a personality disorder or sexual addiction, even maintaining sex and romance— a marriage falling apart still is very possible. Read about “compartmentalization”. Read about how married dating sites, social media and the rise of sexual variety becoming acceptable is leading to more marriages ending.

There is also LIFE. People will get sick. Parents will get terminal illnesses. Spouses might get cancer. Children die (ended 2 marriages of those we know), people may lose work, etc. Life if anything is highly unpredictable and so is the way some people will act completely out of character when faced with challenges, hardships and adversity.

Middle school/HS years are when a lot of this all collides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice to my son, don't get married. Signed woman who is mostly happily married to his dad who is a great one.

Why would this be your advice?

Partly projection since I never wanted to get married. Mostly because teen DS is a unicorn - befriends every color of the rainbow, kind, generous, empathetic and truly sees the best in everyone, but all of this to a fault. He is smart and has an amazing ability to disseminate both sides of politics, social issues and life in general. Let's things roll off his back. He has been and will continue to be taken advantage of.

I have high standards for him, but know that he may not set the bar so high for himself in relationships.

This is funny.

YOU are your son’s red flag. I feel for the poor girl who ignores it and has to deal with you for the duration of her marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go slow. Don’t marry right away. You need time to pass in order to reveal any personality disorders. They can hide them for short periods of time.

Unfortunately some can hide them for long periods of time. And others crack up and develop them later in life, like in their forties when they first encounter adversity. But yes, don't marry right away. Take your time.

When I got married, we didn't even have the term "personality disorders." So now this generation is wiser. Just observe. Is this someone whose character you admire?

Character is key.

Normal communications skills and can resolve conflicts large and small- it avoid them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - when people share horror stories of what type of men NOT to marry, when did you start seeing these issues? I am 37 and all but one of our friends has gotten divorced. Most of my friends seem to be in happy marriages. Is it coming later?

^correction. I meant to say all but one of our friends has stayed married. 2, now that I think of it.

Yes, the unhappiness starts in the middle school years, usually as the kids get more independent and the years of resentment from early childhood build up. Basically, if you were able to maintain a solid romantic and sexual relationship when the kids were young, you will probably be fine, if you neglected each other, it will come roaring back in affairs, resentment, etc

If there is a personality disorder or sexual addiction, even maintaining sex and romance— a marriage falling apart still is very possible. Read about “compartmentalization”. Read about how married dating sites, social media and the rise of sexual variety becoming acceptable is leading to more marriages ending.

There is also LIFE. People will get sick. Parents will get terminal illnesses. Spouses might get cancer. Children die (ended 2 marriages of those we know), people may lose work, etc. Life if anything is highly unpredictable and so is the way some people will act completely out of character when faced with challenges, hardships and adversity.

Middle school/HS years are when a lot of this all collides.

And there age in general. Hormones are a b@tch. Menopause and all the side effects. Nature’s waning libido. If a man can’t support through that when it takes years to get hormones leveled.

Sickness and health is a real vow. Men like Newt and John Edwards hand divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go slow. Don’t marry right away. You need time to pass in order to reveal any personality disorders. They can hide them for short periods of time.

Unfortunately some can hide them for long periods of time. And others crack up and develop them later in life, like in their forties when they first encounter adversity. But yes, don't marry right away. Take your time.

When I got married, we didn't even have the term "personality disorders." So now this generation is wiser. Just observe. Is this someone whose character you admire?

Character is key.

Normal communications skills and can resolve conflicts large and small- it avoid them.

You obviously have no experience with an emerging personality disorder. They can talk up a storm. Act better than Tom Hanks. No substance behind it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a sexist thread...

Well Yes. Of course. Given the subject, the responses MUST be sexist. Because women want different things in a marriage than men do.
Most obvious one is ... ironically ... sex itself. After 9 pages there have been maybe 1 or 2 posts that even remotely give any advice about "sex".
Clearly this means, to women, sex is just not very important in a marriage, hardly worth mentioning any advice about sex.

Which is EXACTLY what makes "sex" the #1 advice a man would give a younger man on marriage.

Sex and money are the two biggest reasons couples divorce. One sex is far more focused on one of those, the other on the other. The difference between men and women become more obvious over time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much this entire thread can be condensed into one thing - money. Either be on the same page or you will be unhappy and eventually divorced.

Wrong. We agreed on money. Money is not everything. We are divorced.

[Anonymous]

If you're smart, make sure you pick a spouse who is at least as smart as you are. It's hard when you don't marry your intellectual equal. People have talked about all sorts things personality disorders, but nobody has mentioned depression. It is very tough to be married to someone who suffers from depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice to my son, don't get married. Signed woman who is mostly happily married to his dad who is a great one.

Why would this be your advice?

Partly projection since I never wanted to get married. Mostly because teen DS is a unicorn - befriends every color of the rainbow, kind, generous, empathetic and truly sees the best in everyone, but all of this to a fault. He is smart and has an amazing ability to disseminate both sides of politics, social issues and life in general. Let's things roll off his back. He has been and will continue to be taken advantage of.

I have high standards for him, but know that he may not set the bar so high for himself in relationships.

This is funny.

YOU are your son’s red flag. I feel for the poor girl who ignores it and has to deal with you for the duration of her marriage...

Why? I raised the unicorn. Do you think he just magically has these qualities. I can anonymously say what I feel and I admittedly said that I hope he doesn't set the bar too low. It's his bar. It's ok for pages and pages of red flags for younger women to avoid, but I'm sure if there was an advice thread about red flags for younger men, it would offend Dcum women. This is why men don't populate here.